my son wrote a letter to tell me he is gay

[whatisforteamum]

Just that really.He is v withdrawn and almost 17.I have raised concerns about him with dh who doesnt seem to interact with him in any way.Dh and DD go shopping together and he takes her to catch buses to see her bf.
I asked ds what is wrong and if he wanted to tell me anything.I have been busy with work which im leaving this w end after 11 yrs.
Ive also been busy with df serious ill health as he is dying of advanced cancer.I was collecting shopping for him when a delivery lorry hit my car tues and has prob written it off.
Apparently my ds has known for 4 yrs and hoped it would "go away".Dh is more shocked than me.I only wish ds had told me before.
It seems week for week something happens if it isnt dh s anger issues it is someone else.I am trying to get life sorted by way of a new job.Ihope my ds hasnt suffered by not telling us. :(

[sooperdooper]

Have you spoken to your ds about the letter? I'm sure he'll feel relieved if you tell him you just wish he'd told you sooner and you hope it hasn't been a burden on him to try and keep this hidden. Let him know you support him and love him regardless of his sexuality, you're proud of him and hope he feels better now he's told you

[nameschanger]

Maybe don't treat this like another problem, it is what it is. How are you going to respond? I think lots of people find it difficult to tell their parents they're gay, this won't have made him suffer...as you put it.

Is the issue here that he is gay or that you want your dh to spend more time with him?

[nameschanger]

And exactly what scooper says

[Louise43210]

I would try to think of it as good news - so this week something good has happened. Yes it is a surprise and probably takes up head space but He is telling you so by telling you he is saying that he trusts you.

[FadedRed]

^^ what Sooperdooper said.
You've got a lot to cope with at the moment OP . Sounds like you and your Ds both need a hug - why not do that for each other?

[Hassled]

It's great that it's out in the open now - all he really needs to hear is that nothing's changed and that your love for him is just the same. He needs that acknowledgement. One of my DSs came out when he was 14 - but I think I'd always known, so there was no real shock. But to him, it was a much bigger deal - he needed to hear that nothing had changed.

[BrendaFlange]

Well, give him a massive hug, TELL him what you said to us about wishing he had told you sooner , hoping he hadn't suffered, and you are delighted that during your week from hell he hadn't told you anything that adds to your problems! That it is good news and a relief to you because you had been worrying that there was something troubling him!

Good luck, and sorry about your Dad.

[AdoraBell]

Do you think he had hoped it will "go away" because he sees you have more than enough to deal with, or because he feels you/DH/wider family will disapprove?

Reassure him that he is loved and that will not change. If DH needs bringing on side then sit him (DH) down and tell him that you will continue to support and love DS and he needs to do the same.

[UrbaneFox]

I hope it will all feel like no big deal soon. I have one son and one daughter too, and I'd be shocked, I know I would but the husband with anger issues sounds stressful. Are you all walking on eggshells around your h?

[whatisforteamum]

thank you all.I agree i almost begged him to tell me what was wrong and why he never socialised.I thought he had panic attacks as ive had them in the past.
TBH i did give him a big hug and thanked him for telling us so eloquently in a thoughtful mature letter.I am quite open minded so i am surprised he didnt tell me before especially as i had asked him if this were the case.With dd starting work this week after a yr out (which has been problematic) and his gdad gravely ill i hope he hasnt bottled it all up.
My dsis didnt tell anyone she was pregnant until she was 5 months gone at 17 yrs ago...i thought times had changed.
We can all move forward now and hopefully him seeing that i will treat him exactly the same he can open up about things more without fear of arguments as he has heard dh lose his temper over trivial things.i still cant believe dh is shocked as dd isnt .

[UrbaneFox]

good.

don't let your h manage his feelings by venting at the rest of you. Whatever he feels he can either talk about it, ask questions, be silent, think about it, go for a run, whatever but he can't (reasonably) be angry with the rest of you. Being angry at those around you is an excellent coping strategy, a great valve, and it worked very well for my x. I felt drained and anxious though. Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree.

[Morganly]

What a brilliant reaction from you. You have so much on your plate right now but you sound like a really great mum.

Is your son in school or college because if so, they usually have pastoral care, if he needs to talk things through or get support with his social difficulties.

[FeelTheNoise]

Maybe write a letter back too? Spelling out his qualities, and adding his courage and honesty to the list

[Zillie77]

Don't feel guilty. Your son may have needed time himself to really sort things out on his end as well. My brother wrote our parents a similar letter when he was 19. Our parents were famously open-minded, but he still let them know only when he was ready, and not until he was on a semester abroad on another continent, for that matter.

Just let him know how much you appreciate him sharing and tell him you look forward to meeting his future boyfriends.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

When my cousin came out to his parents one of them was uncomfortable but the other one gave him a hug and said nothing had changed and they loved him as he was. He really valued the acceptance.

[whatisforteamum]

oh thanks the letter back sounds great then he can read it when he needs reassurrance.He is mature enough to say it is nothing we have done, :)My dh was a kind laid back man until he worked too many hrs a few yrs back.Since his heart attack almost 2 yrs ago he blows up at everything,He has seen the gp about it.I feel guilty that our dcs have witnessed him losing his temper at me.we been together 28 ys and ive considered moving out and have to sort my job out first.(which is unsettling as my df looks decidely like he may die soon) :(
As a Mum i am aware that not talking things through wont make them go away.I took my dd for her contraceptive coil at 17.She has a long term bf and really didnt trust herself to take the pill so that is what we did.My parents were "no sex before marriage" with me and my sis.Of course i did sleep with my now dh and was called a whore at 21 !!
I am quiet relieved i know the truth now and i know working 13 hr days sometimes ive not been here or been distracted by dfs chemo or hospital visits.I am also glad our dd has taken it so well as she interprets how things are in sixth form now ( i dont think there is a stigma to being gay).My ds will be fine and we will handle any intolerance towards him as a family together, :)

[whatisforteamum]

yes we are walking on eggshells and worrying about both my parents who battle cancer and are getting their home straight.I am changing jobs as my hrs are longer now and heavy deliveries to put away.Also one of my bosses had bad temper so i was walking on eggshells alot.It will be a wrench after 11 yrs.Sorting out whether i can live with dh is next on the list.The dcs are much older and i cant put all my needs last forever.I wish i could afford a small place to call my own.My new job starts next week so i hope my car situation is getting sorted as you dont think a lorry will smack into you on a tue afternoon do you ha ha.No one was hurt i just wasnt going to buy a new car this week.shook dd up a bit though.

[BrendaFlange]

You have a lot on your plate, OP, and you handled it brilliantly with your son .

One problem at a time. The issues with your DH are important but not urgent: you have no control over the sad situation with your Dad so focus on that and getting established in your new job, and then when you have head space and strength turn your attention to your own needs and how best to handle that .

You are being a fab mother and daughter and you deserve similar from your DH.

[Fromparistoberlin73]

agree, compared to a father dying of cancer (so sorry) his sexuality is NOT a problem

His happiness however is- and there where you might want to focus

sounds like your "D"H is favouring other child too- which wont help

you DO need to look after yourself, and maybe do some nice quiet relaxed things- cinemas, drive (!) and involve your DS/DC

I am pleased you clearly see that you are stressed, you have a lot on plate and there are small things you can do to make life easier

[whatisforteamum]

we ve got him a card with a rainbow on it saying thinking of you x

[Twinklestein]

Iirc your husband has an overly close relationship with dd, whom he spends all his time with, and he mainly ignores your son. I suspect your son may have other things he needs to talk to you about other than his sexuality.

Are you still sleeping on the floor?

[whatisforteamum]

yes i am.I am changing one think at a time first my job then my car as lorry wrote the other one off this week im sure,Then dd has just got a job.Next is somewhere to live if nothing has improved and df hasnt passed away by then.

[Topseyt]

I don't want to give too much detail here, can't afford to give too much away really.

I have a child in your DS's position, though several years younger. I too have told her that it doesn't bother me in the slightest. It changes nothing with regard to how I love her and how proud I am of her. I think they need to hear that, so I think you reacted in exactly the right way. It is good that your DS now knows that he can count on you.

I am not certain how my DH would react, and nor is my child. He doesn't have the anger management issues that you suggest yours has, but he can be tactless in the extreme - mouth into gear and then think/ask questions later. I have discussed it with my child as she is nervous of how it would go, plus the fact that she has had related mental health issues in the past. She is in agreement that for now we just leave him to work it out himself over time because his potential reaction is not something she yet feels able to face. It is the right approach for us.

I know my DH loves all of our children unconditionally, but I also have vast experience of dealing with his tactless tendencies.

I am sorry to hear about your father too. It is clearly a very difficult time for you. My MIL died from advanced lung cancer in May 2014 and it was painful for the whole family. You have my every sympathy.

On perhaps a more positive note, I wish you well for your new job and hope it goes smoothly. You need a bit of luck right now.

[whatisforteamum]

thank you topseyt in some ways i feel ive got everything wrong..staying together at times to keep the dcs together in a sometimes difficult marriage.I do blame myself for working w ends and eves so not available to the dcs (dh was always here and vice versa).Knowing that sexuality is biological makes it easier as i would feel dreadful if dhs outbursts had determined his feelings.Our son is who he is and like i said i kind of guessed yrs ago which is odd as he doesnt specifically do anything that would make anyone else think anything.I feel sad dh is shocked as ive had lots of conversations with him about ds not ever going out until recently and dh always had a go at me.
This eve i felt stressed by everything.Dh thinking this is just a phase.The one good thing to come of both my parents having been on the cancer journey is it has made me realise so long as we have our health we have everything.Good luck with your dd and ive told my dh never to use ds s sexuality against him in any arguements .