Just getting my feelings out ... (sorry long post!)

[tessie31082]

Hi all! Nothing hugely wrong except I don't think I love my partner anymore! I think he knows but neither of us can say it if that makes sense? I've always been useless with telling it as it is. I have been with DP for 15 years and dumped my then boyfriend of 4 years (me and my ex first started going out when I was 14 and he 15) to be with him although I'd never met him! Long story short I used to babysit for my DP's sister who kind of set us up, me being young and naïve thought the grass was greener on the other side! I took a lot of stick from a lot of people (who I knew and went to school with me and my ex) I knew in the little village I lived in but moved away and in with DP and parents after 6 months. I basically gave up college and worked several different jobs in the next few years before settling in a job for 6 years and blissfully happy (we had also moved 3 times in that time too). I eventually found the perfect job which I love, became pregnant and had my DS (2 1/2 years). Since having my DS, our relationship has deteriorated in many ways. I just don't see him in the way I used to you, can't bear the thought of him touching me, he's a pretty good dad but in other ways isn't (short tempered, saying things you shouldn't to a toddler, expecting too much from him etc). He also doesn't help much around the house - this has already resulted in a heated discussion (once DS in bed) with it laid out that unless things changed he'd be moving out!
The complication is I can't stop thinking about my ex all these years later!
I almost want DP to go and leave me (I know that I won't be getting back with my ex - he's moved on) but then feel sad at the thought our DS won't have his Mum and Dad together! I almost feel I should stick with it until he's left school and then I can move on and it won't affect him like it would at his age now.
I feel really bad, sad and disgusted with myself for feeling like this but I don't know what to do or think anymore. I know its hard for my DP as he doesn't know what's going on with me! Am I being irrational, am I depressed (I don't feel I am), is the lack of sex me thinking about ex, new contraception I've started or just the fact I don't love DP anymore?
I don't have anyone to talk to as all my friends are also friends or wives/girlfriends of DP friends! My Mum wouldn't understand (I don't think).
I just needed an outlet and know none of you can really help as it's my decision(s) but wondered what your thoughts were?
Thanks for reading x

[redexpat]

Right. Will try to separate the issues here.

1. Unresolved feelings about the way you got together - possible shame about being the subject of gossip in your home village, regret at leaving your first relationship.
   

1. Resentment/disatisfaction about dropping out of college.
   

1. DPs unrealistic expectations of toddler.
   

1. DPs lack of contribution around the house.
   

1. Unwillingness to split, due to uncertainty about what a slpit would do for your DS' wellbeing.
   

1. Lack of physical attraction, revulsion at the thought of intimacy.
   

1. New contraception (I guess hormone based) hightening feelings.
   

1. I know its hard for my DP as he doesn't know what's going on with me! In the nicest possible way, it doesnt sound as if you know what's going on with you.
   

There is a lot there, and I think it could go either way. I think some of these things would be best talked through individually with a counsellor.

The rest I think depends on whether or not you want to give the relationship another shot, or if you are resigned to splitting up. What does DP feel about it all? Would he be willing to go to couples counselling, or maybe do something like the marriage course?

[tessie31082]

Thank you for your responses! Your right, I don't know what I want so how the hell is DP supposed to know! I have a go appt. in 2 weeks so will ask about counselling! I didn't think about that / didn't realise that may help!
Tessie

[tessie31082]

Thanks 0dfod! I did go for the first 2 years to a toddler group (so helpful and understanding etc) but then I started working on the day its held. I love my time at work (part time) because of the adult conversation etc. All other groups in the area are on days I work! I do see a friend with a DD the same age but she is my DP's friends partner so can't talk to her about this! My Mum may understand but I'm sure would push me to leave (my divorced parents have never really like DP but get along/tolerate him for my sake and now their grandsons sake)! He cheated on me early on into our relationship which they found out about before me (long story, I forgave, we kind of moved on) and he comes from a family that are hard to like/understand (his mum and 1 sister lie all the time about things) for various reasons. I just can't stop thinking about the what if's of my relationship with my ex although I know it's ridiculous! Sometimes I just wish he would leave / give me a reason to kick him out etc - aarrggghhh! We have a good relationship other than all of this i.e we take DS out for days / holidays and have a good time but I'm just not sure I love him anymore! I think it would really hurt him if we split but do I live like this being miserable for another 16 years or get it over and done with before DS is old enough to know/remember??!! I need to sort my feelings out I think and maybe get the courage to talk to him about all this :) Sorry for another long post but it helps to get it written down and out of my head!