why have I suddenly gone to pieces now? Am I depressed or am I being a selfish drama queen?

[newnamesamegame]

I feel like a complete twat and a fraud and wonder if I need a kick up the arse -- kicked my H out three months ago. Number of reasons, most significant of which were abusive behaviour (verbal, not physical) but including threats and sexual insults, heavy drinking and refusal to participate in family life (choosing the pub/the TV over doing anything with me and my DD). And failure to contribute anything financially.

3 months on I am by and large doing quite well, have had some lows but I don't regret it for a moment. DD (4) is generally handling things really well, I feel I have moved on with my life and have been feeling free, independent and, notwithstanding constant arguments with ex about money and logistics and him putting me down all the time, happy. I'm skint but lucky enough to have income and my own flat so I'm doing a lot better than many women in my position. Am surrounded by friends and generally feel supported.

But this week I've had a massive crash and just literally have felt I couldn't cope. I work in a full time job, long hours, fairly stressful though I generally like it. Up until now work was a relief for me but this week I actually couldn't do it. Just was sitting at my desk all of Monday and Tuesday unable to work, just zoning out looking at the screen and doing non-work related stuff. No real reason, just felt tired beyond belief and unable to focus on anything. Couldn't finish a sentence. Wednesday had a row with ex which culminated in him sexually harrassing me (in an unthreatening and unfrightening way but it pissed me off nonetheless). Then this morning I went into a total meltdown because a colleague was a b to me about something trivial. I mean complete meltdown. Was crying in the loo for nearly an hour, couldn't do a stroke of work for the whole of the morning. I'm sure my colleagues thought I was being a complete diva but I couldn't help it.

Is it normal to have a delayed reaction to separation like this? Is this a stress-related episode? Or do I just need to grow the f* up?

[ditherydora]

It sounds to me like a complete normal response to a very stressful situation. I've certainly acted like this in the past anyway. You have a lot on your plate, not least adjusting to being a single parent.

Can you phone in sick to work for a couple of days and take some time to rebalance? Have some long walks/go swimming/ take a trip. your mental health is still a health issue and it really will help you refocus.

[Sazzle41]

I think its normal, you have dealt with it all fantastically but anything like this takes a toll and you need a time out to nurture and cherish yourself. A couple of days off spoiling yourself would be a very good thing. Catch up on sleep, do some of your favourite things - and it may sound silly but list your achievements re this, mentally or on paper, because you have had a lot to deal with and coped amazingly. Give yourself credit and be kind to yourself and then think onward and upward, I have learnt from this, all of us have blips, it makes me more rounded and experienced.

[newnamesamegame]

Sazzle I've been trying to give myself credit and be kind to myself. I feel like maybe now is the time to crack on with it and stop indulging myself. And just at that point I feel like I'm really losing the plat. Am now lying here unable to sleep, obsessively mulling over everything.What I want to know is why does this suddenly matter to me now? It hasn't done for three months. And why is trivial stuff like someone at work who I don't even like upsetting me?

[goddessofsmallthings]

Delayed reaction to any traumatic event such as the end of a marriage, bereavement, etc, is not uncommon.

You've been running on the adrenaline of kicking your h's arse out of your home and have handled the myriad practical issues arising from this action with aplomb.

However, the demands of being a single parent coupled with long stressful hours at work have been emotionally draining and have made you an easy target for his spiteful war of attrition.

It's all caught up with you, hence the crash and retreat into a zombie-like state where you're overwhelmed by inertia and your colleague was able to trigger a reaction to her bitchy remarks which, in the normal course of events, you'd ignore.

Use this weekend to cosset yourself and post your feelings here so that others can help you work through them.

As part of a general regrouping exercise, resolve to have no further conversations with your ex other than those which are necessitated by his contact with your dd and, if possible, arrange for a family member/friend to be present or do the handovers for you.

If you haven't instructed a solicitor to petition for divorce, now would be a good time to do so as it will enable you to keep your h at more than arm's length which will further serve to your recovery from this temporary glitch.

Go easy on yourself, honey. It's early days but you'll soon find yourself going from strength to strength again.

[Pickedmypoison]

I too think it's completely normal. It's very early days for you.

Since my divorce three years ago I have been over-sensitive to the slightest criticism, really over the top reactions to a passing comment or joke.

Also I can't stomach a disagreement of any kind. The thought of an argument literally makes me feel sick.

I thought I was fine in the early days after separation and I was functioning well on the surface but tbh the damage runs deep and has to come out somehow in time. Mind you I had a particularly messy split.

It is good to keep busy but sometimes when you stop it can hit you. So have lots of downtime and give yourself chance to come to terms with it all. The mixed up feelings are perfectly natural.

[newnamesamegame]

goddess thanks.

I can't afford to petition for divorce at the moment unfortunately, that will have to wait until I have more money, but hear what you say about creating further distance.

I can't cosset myself this weekend unfortunately as going overseas for a long weekend with DD. Under normal circumstances I would really be looking forward to it, as it is I feel I could do without the stress. Sounds very spoiled, but there it is.

I just feel ashamed and humiliated for blowing my cool at work. Above everything else, I need not to show vulnerability to people at work at the moment and I have just done that. I will find it very hard to continue as normal with people from work as they've seen me with my guard down, never a good thing in a professional environment and particularly not with this particular woman. Work is the one thing I had that was keeping my head above water and I've now screwed that up.

[pallasathena]

Can you take the woman you work with to one side and tell her you're under a lot of personal stress at the moment? And you're sorry if you've upset her in any way as it wasn't your intention.

Sometimes, showing others that we're vulnerable and just human, can make a difference. Only you can know if she would react kindly or not to such a disclosure.

[Twinklestein]

You haven't screwed it up OP, I used to work in a tough,,male-dominated environment and I think everyone had their crackers day, and they weren't even getting divorced.

If they know you're getting divorced then I don't think they'll pay much attention to it.