exh threatening me sending nasty texts am panicking please help

[yummytummy]

So, currently going through a messy divorce. Exh was abusive and had child with ow while still married. Then a whole court case to force my v young kids to meet the woman.

Anyway he is always unpleasant when making contact arrangements and i usually ignore his insults and stick to the facts of times to pick up kids etc.

However yesterday he was being awful mainly as i had asked for money towards kids uniform and shoes. I got you are lazy i can't stand you ur useless cant wait to be rid of you at least I have a caring family etc etc. Then 2 hours later oh i am seeing kids later right. I said yes but for their benefit not yours and if you speak to me like that again you won't be

Then i got you ignorant woman you are selfish irresponsible not putting kids first emotionally abusing them causing neglect look at state of house i am going to phone social services and cafcass immediately and tell them about you kids are suffering blah blah

It really upset me which i guess was the point but i don't know if he is just ranting or will do it. I forwarded to solicitor but I don't think he is going to do anything at this stage

I think ex is trying to unsettle me so he doesn't have to pay the full settlement

I feel so distraught but it makes no sense for him to phone ss as he has previous dv incidents with them and they know thats why marriage ended along with the adultery

Please what can i do if anything and can he successfully take kids off me?

He mentioned the messy house but to me its just normal kids mess and toys crumbs etc not dirty. He always had issues with housework as i was more relaxed and if he saw crumb would push my face into them and hit me. So obv since he left i make sure there are many crumbs around

Ok will stop rambling now hope for some advice

[summerwinterton]

I would call Women's Aid, maybe the police and I would arrange maintenance via CMO. The contact he has with the dc is court ordered?

[ImperialBlether]

Look, if he has a history of domestic violence there's no way he's going to get custody! Be realistic, who would give custody to someone like that?

Social workers are used to messy houses and don't take children off parents for that alone. There would have to be neglect for them to be concerned.

[yummytummy]

Yes its court ordered. Is it ok to phone women's aid if not in immediate danger

[ImperialBlether]

He's so stupid sending you those messages by text. You have evidence of what he's saying. I wouldn't reply to any of them unless you are confirming pick up times.

What is he like with the children? It might be worth looking into him having contact in a contact centre.

[pocketsaviour]

i am going to phone social services and cafcass immediately and tell them about you

The correct response to this should be "Knock yourself out dickhead ."

I've lost count of the number of threads I've read on here where that was threatened. Nothing ever comes of it.

Be careful about threatening to withhold contact, though. Although he is a vicious shit to you, you don't have the right to stop the DC from seeing him. Unless you feel they are likely to come to emotional or physical harm, in which case you can ask for supervised contact only, at a contact centre. If there is DV on record then you may have a chance of getting this.

[yummytummy]

Unfortunately or fortunately i guess he is good with the children and they adore him. It was decided at the time that he was "safe" enough for normal contact. I always stick to what times are agreed and usually its him who cancels seeing them when he gets a better offer

[ImperialBlether]

Make sure you keep a record of all contacts, the mood of the children afterwards, anything vicious that he said about you and whether or not he cancelled it.

Keep it on a Word document that you've password protected (File/Info/Protect Document.) Call the document something like Christmas Presents, so that even if he got to see the filename it wouldn't attract his attention.

[yummytummy]

Good idea imperial thanks. I have noted the ones he has missed. Ds is always always upset after a contact i miss daddy etc and takes a while to settle. Its heartbreaking that he suffers due to ex actions

[FredaMayor]

IMO, based on your story so far, your ex is planning to give you a hard time over the settlement/periodic payments negotiations so he can divert the money to the new family. Make sure your solicitor is on top of this and do nothing that ex can use against you no matter how had he tries to break you down. With a history of ex's DV you will get custody.

[WellWhoKnew]

Hello. I don't know you. I can't tell you that you're a good parent, a great parent nor a dismal parent. What I can say is this:

If he were to ring SS and if they were to actually investigate, then if you aren't doing anything unusual (after all children = messy houses at times!), then welcome the threat.

As for CAFCASS, well that's a court ordered process. No one can 'instruct' them to do a damned thing except for a judge.

I'd rather be in receipt of a report that says I'm a fit parent then have to face endless accusations that I'm not.

I can threaten you with all sorts. Nay, I can say what I like about you. But I don't need to, nor indeed do I want to cause you any distress whatsoever.

However, I'll admit this openly: I can't tell SS what to write about you, nor get CAFCASS to come to your home. Nor can he. Nor can you.

Personally, I'd opt for evidence to counter a threat. It kind of kills off the manipulation. No scrap that. It fucking murders it.

And, er, do phone WA. I will say that.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Unless there's rotting food around, animal faeces on the floor, bare wires, that kind of seriously filthy - Social Services won't be interested. And families in that stage of trouble get warnings and time to fix things and often support too. Clean and messy is normal, grubby and messy is normal. Let him ring all he wants, I doubt you'll ever hear anything, and worst case scenario is likely to be you make a SW a cup of tea while the children show off their bedrooms and s/he closes the case. Malicious reporting also won't do him much favours with a family court.

A lot of women here describe their exs pulling this card knowing how much it upsets the children's mother (you know, the one who actually stayed with the children, puts them first and is raising them?) Would he even want them 24/7 cramping his style if he's not interested enough to be consistent with the contact he has?

Have a and and take a few deep breaths, don't let him scare you. That's all he is trying to do.

[yummytummy]

Thanks rumble thats really reassuring. Do you have experience in this field?

[Jphilips19]

If he was that worried about his children he would have already contacted SS. Only respond to communication about access but don't threaten him that you will stop it. If he continues to threaten you call the police as he is acting against the law.

[honeyroar]

I think you need to set up a fixed contact schedule and proper maintenance payments (that should cover uniform etc) and then you don't have to deal with each other as much. For the kids sake you both have to get over your history and dislike of each other.

[yummytummy]

There is a fixed contact schedule. And really dislike? I was very severely abused and he is continuing to bully me let alone the adultery etc but ok then

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

What you need is a non-mol or harassment injunction. As previous posters have said, this is an attempt to alarm and distress. Copy the texts using SMS Back Up and Restore, which preserves timestamps and originating numbers. Then take them to your solicitor. A harassment injunction with damages or power of arrest will soon take the wind out of his arse.

[yummytummy]

Thanks disgrace. What should I do about the next contact though? Its due for weds. Do i just carry on with that as normal?

[OurBlanche]

Yes. Keep the moral high ground. Keep to the letter of the contact agreement and let him huff and puff all he wants.

The more he rants the more grist he adds to your mill. SO every time you get one of those messages don't worry. Instead smile and mentally thank him for being such a self absorbed, self incriminating twat.

That way the nastier he is the happier you can be.

Good luck xx

[Reubs15]

Well he sounds delightful! Keep a proper record of everything he says to you. Only reply with information about pick up times or necessary information. Don't threaten to withhold contact.
There's no way ss will take the children away just because there are crumbs in the house.
Good luck op

[yummytummy]

Thanks. Sounds so easy to stay calm in practice! Will have to try and make myself. Its just that am used to being scared of him and him having the power

[OurBlanche]

I know. It sounds so very hard. But believe me, any little change you can make to how you respond to him will make a huge difference to how you feel and therefore how you cope with his bullying crap.