Loving someone with depression

[elephantsaregreen]

Hi folks
It's been years since I have been on Mumsnet, nice to be back!
My DH has depression and anxiety. His anxiety is often about social situations. He is also quite introverted and insecure, partially because he is dyslexic. Despite these challenges he is a great dad and when things are good with us, he still makes me laugh and I love him. I still think he is a sexy dude after ten years and two kids together.
My challenge is that I feel like I pour a huge amount of energy in to trying to deal with his depression. He needs his space, he is sensitive and as a result it doesn't take much for him to get frustrated with 'everything'.
He hates taking meds. He says the side effects are too bad. We moved from an English speaking country to Switzerland which has been a huge challenge. He is very isolated, but we have met a lot of English speaking people but he makes no effort to connect with them.
I guess I am looking for some advice on how I can support him but also gain some perspective for myself. It is hard not to get overwhelmed by his melancholy and negative perspective on this. I work hard on keeping all of us buoyant (as I am sure he does too). But it is exhausting.
Thanks for reading :-)

[Joysmum]

I think you need to be honest with him re the meds. He needs to go to his doctor and find medication that suits in the right doseage. Ther are a number of different types and he must appreciate that slough he can't see the side affects NIT taking meds is having, they are worse.

[Joysmum]

NOT

[BankWadger]

My husband has depression and a severe anxiety condition which he DOES take medication for and that is hard enough to live with. I can't imagine how hard it is living with someone who refuses to consider medication! Would he consider a course of CBT? It won't cure him as such but will teach him coping strategies and ease the symptoms as a result.

As for how you cope, it is vitally important you look after yourself and your children. If he's being particularly bad, leave him to it and take yourself and the kids off for the day. I'm terribly guilty of letting DH's mood drag us all down so the kids miss out and I become very resentful. I'm now working on myself to stop this. If DH is up to it we do something as a family, if not the kids and I leave him behind. I'm also working on my own social life so that I don't become any more isolated.

[elephantsaregreen]

Thanks folks. It is nice to know it is ok for me to find it hard. Unfortunately he cant work yet due to the language barrier, but he is starting a German course later this month.
I have asked him many many times how he wants his life to be, I am a trained social worker and a decent coach. But it is impossible for me to get anywhere with him. He does confide in a mutual friend of ours though. While I am glad he does, it does hurt a little that he doesnt confide in me.

[BankWadger]

There was a great thread in AIBU a week or so back, but it's fallen off TIO and I can't find it now, but you're definitely not alone in this situation.