Embarrassed of my family

[pastaratatouille]

I really hope I don't come across narrow minded, but I am really embarrassed, often ashamed of my family. Up until now, I've managed to keep DH's family at a distance from my own to avoid embarrassment, however this isn't an option anymore as next week is my Son's christening and both sides of the family will be there.

DH's family are well mannered people, educated and very self sufficient where as many of my relatives are scruffy, don't work, smoke, have a crude sense of humour and are not well educated, although some of them can be well meaning.
My Father is a waste of space alcoholic who systematically lets us down whenever he offers to help with anything and my mother is a selfish woman who will very much refuse to make conversation with people nor help with anything.

DH's parents are helpful to the point of over-bearing and often question why my parents are absent during important times in our lives. I've gotten over the huge upset and disappointment that my parents' lack of interest has caused over the years, but I know it has become very apparent to DH's family of late and it makes me nervous.

There is a family meal after the christening which I am a bit nervous about as we will all be sitting in close proximity to each other. My own parents will undoubtedly label DH's family as boring because they dont drink, smoke or crack crude jokes;, my Dad will become loud and opinionated after a couple of drinks and my Mum will rudely ignore everyone. This aside, they both adore my Son and I would like them to be a part of the day.
How can I enjoy it without being on pins?
How do I get over the shame and embarrassment of my family when in the presence of DH's?
And do you think my family's behaviour will reflect badly on me in the eyes of DH's family?

[pocketsaviour]

Has your DH met your parents before? If so, can he pre-warn his parents that your parents are abusive twats not their sort of people?

[WhyIRayLiotta]

Do you get on ok with your in laws? Maybe mention to them that you're not hugely close with your parents. I'm sure if they've noticed them absent before they won't be very surprised. Try not to worry too much. People can surprise you and your mum and dad might want to put on a good show. The important thing is that you enjoy the day.

[pastaratatouille]

Yes. DH knows exactly what my family are like and is quite supportive and very forgiving of them. My DH's parents have met my own a number of times, but always in passing, never for a sit down meal or anything like. Although they haven't met many other relatives, which unfortunately, might be a bit disappointing for them when they do!

[Hypotenuse]

Remember, they are related to you but they do not define you. If when they act like prats, they are showing themselves up, and that is it. You are not responsible for them. Try to repeat that to yourself, add in 'not my circus, not my monkeys'.

It took me a long time to realise this, and shake off my guilt/embarrassment for my upbringing. It does not define me, and if people choose to behave badly around me I am not responsible for that.

[pastaratatouille]

That's really good advice Hypotenuse, thankyou. I've had a lot of therapy to get over my parents' behaviour over the years and can deal with the disappointment now. I guess I still have work to do on my own self esteem, although it is SO much better than it used to be. My DH always says he loves me more because of where I've come from as it shows strength of character for me to be so different. Doesn't mean others see it that way though.

[Hypotenuse]

My DH says the same.

[BoeBarlow]

Did they not meet when you got married?

I would think that if your PILs are decent people then they won't think any less of you based on your parents behaviour. Try not to let it spoil your day.

[pastaratatouille]

We are very happily unmarried.

[BoeBarlow]

Oh sorry op Just that you said DH...

[pastaratatouille]

I find it easier to say DH, as I've noticed that some posters unfortunately get a bit preoccupied with the 'unmarried ' bit...