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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I found out my DH has been texting another woman.

26 replies

Lisab82 · 27/07/2015 13:09

I recently found out my DH had been texting another woman. He was guarding his phone a lot for a while now and it was making me very suspicious. I confronted him about it and he told me he was texting someone else. No one I know she apparently lives in another country but still I can't trust him.
We were very close to separating only at the last minute he apologised told me he loved me more than anything and changed his mobile number.
I love him and don't want to lose him but I don't want him thinking he got away with it. We have an dd and have been married for 9 years so I agreed to give it another go. I keep telling myself that he hasn't actually cheated because he never meet the woman. But deep down I know if he had the chance he probably would.
What bothers me though was as it was just texting he doesn't think he was doin anything wrong!
Sorry for the long post just need to get it off my chest. This is my 1st ever post.

OP posts:

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Jan45 · 27/07/2015 13:16

Well I am not even married and if my partner was texting another woman, I'd go ballistic.

Sorry but his intention is to cheat and yes I think he would've.

The only way to gain control is to make him move out for a while whilst you consider a future with him, by brushing it under the carpet like so many other women do on here, much to my dismay, all it does is delay it happening again, they need to feel what they could lose.

gotstogonow · 27/07/2015 13:33

Agree with Jan45. It's all about the INTENTION.

Lisab82 · 27/07/2015 13:43

it's just weird it's like he had this fantasy life with her knowing it would be nothing more than just texting and phoning. But realising what he would lose has made him stop or so I hope. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt but I know what to look out for in the future and believe me if he has the guts to do it again he will live to regret it!

OP posts:

Jan45 · 27/07/2015 13:55

So you are just letting him off that easily, ok, but I guarantee he will be doing it again and will cover his tracks better. He's had no consequence to his actions.

How do you know the texting and phoning would not have escalated to meeting up, how do you even know they haven't, I doubt you are hearing the full story tbh.

You've already said, the trust is broken.

Having a period of separation helps you decide if you want to carry on and let's him know that there's no second chances. Talk is very cheap.

goddessofsmallthings · 27/07/2015 14:01

It sounds as if he's up for assignations with ow and I suspect he's joined an online site (or several) to find them.

He needs to be completely honest with you as to how he hooked up with this woman and give you access to his phone and email account(s), but after he's done this you'll still be filled with doubt and waiting for him to announce he's met someone else and he's leaving.

Can you live like that?

MaryBerrysEyelashes · 27/07/2015 14:02

what was he texting her?

i text men a lot

Dilema76 · 27/07/2015 14:06

He doesn't sound very good at hiding things!

"Have you been texting someone else?"

Is usually followed by denial after denial and as much minimising as possible even if the truth does come out.

Sounds like you have decided to let it go but I would be kicking him out a least for a few days.

Lisab82 · 27/07/2015 14:07

I don't know what he text I never seen any of the messages I just new he was up to something.

OP posts:

MaryBerrysEyelashes · 27/07/2015 14:08

so he could have been saying' haha that was funny at work today'?, the kind of bollocks I text to my male married pals?

Jan45 · 27/07/2015 14:14

If they were innocent why would he delete them all?

Jeezo, he must be laughing his head off now. Sorry OP but wise up.

How convenient that she lives in another country lol.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 27/07/2015 14:21

Wow. So you haven't seen evidence she lives abroad. You haven't seen the messages so don't know what they contain. You aren't taking any action.
Bet you the equity in my house this isn't over. And there's more to it.....

lismc6 · 27/07/2015 14:21

He did deny it but I never give up hassling him so he eventually told me. I don't know exactly what was said but from what I gather it's stuff a married man should not have been doing.

Jan45 · 27/07/2015 14:23

And I bet he never showed you his phone and will be guarding it close in the next few weeks, I think you are being extremely naïve.

RealityCheque · 27/07/2015 14:25

lismc6 · 27/07/2015 14:28

really I just put this on to see what other people's thoughts were on texting/phoning is it cheating? (ok I don't know what they where talking about but deleting texts and hiding phone obviously something the wife shouldn't see)
I think it is cheating, I have a lot to sort out now. I just was making sure I wasn't overreacting.

lismc6 · 27/07/2015 14:30

since this he has changed his number. he hasn't hid his phone I can do what I want with it as I please. the minute this changes I will know something is up. I will b keeping my eyes very wide open.

gotstogonow · 27/07/2015 14:32

Once you have seen the intention to cheat is there, it shows the character of the man. He disloyal and he'll be off with another woman soon. Take heed.
Like goddess said don't you just sit there in doubt now anyway? That's no way to live.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 27/07/2015 14:46

Can you guarantee he doesn't have a second phone that you don't see?

Jan45 · 27/07/2015 14:50

Well yes of course, his phone is now clean.

pocketsaviour · 27/07/2015 15:04

since this he has changed his number.

Did you see him destroy the sim card? Because if not he can just put it back in his phone when you're not around and keep texting/messaging.

Is he on PAYG or a contract? If contract, check the bills. You can usually do this online.

Horsemad · 27/07/2015 18:28

OP, you might want to check your name change!

LucySnow12 · 28/07/2015 12:31

This is definitely cheating. And I'm glad you took a strong stand. While your H has been secretly texting this woman, he has been giving her all the emotion, devotion and attention that, as his wife, should BELONG only to you. All the time he spends messaging her, creates a greater distance between the two of you. It allows him to emotional detach from you and transfer his loyalty to her. This secret messaging creates an intimate world where only the two of them exist and you, his wife, are not a part of it. This is unacceptable. I think you need to take it further. Like others have questioned, I don't believe this woman is living abroad. I think you need to demand proof of this. I think he should give you the number of the woman he has been texting - confirmed from his phone bills. I'm sorry to write this but I believe it is much more likely to be a co-worker. For you to recover your trust in him, he must be completely transparent. A marriage can't survive on half truths. I really hope your husband will show that he values you more than this other woman.

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MummyPiggy87 · 28/07/2015 12:49

If my husband done this, I would want to know who this person was and confirm she does live abroad, for all you know, she might live around the corner and he no longer needs to text her. He would not be getting off so lightly, he would be out the door to really learn his lesson, I would be fuming. I don't think I could bare to sleep next to him. I can't believe you didn't demand to see the messages.
So your going to be looking over his shoulder from now onwards, how can you live like that? It'll break you in the end.
If I were you, I'd make sure they weren't communicating through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, email, what'sapp, work? Etc etc etc.....

TroubleinDaFamily · 28/07/2015 13:00

Well you needed to see the texts, but now you can't.

But I will say not every man who texts or messages a woman is playing away, or planning on playing away..

I am in touch with an old boyfriend (teen thing) via FB over the last month or so, DH is fully aware and for the first two weeks it was a high energy thing and we were messaging every other minute, now we are down to three or four times a week. We talk about people we grew up with, places we used to go. FGS last week we were discussing shredders and chimineas. He told his partner that we were chatting, she wanted not unreasonably to see the messages he said the whole thread is there, help yourself. She got fed up halfway through and just said, it is not exactly rock and roll is it.

DH was happy for him to come here and stay with his partner until he realised the guy has no interest in rugby and had had to Google Nigel Owens, so that was that. Invitation rescinded.

But all joking aside, not every male/ female text interaction ends in infidelity.

thenumberseven · 28/07/2015 14:19

OP do you relise you are posting under two different names? I suppose you name changed for this thread and then posted under your usual name.

Hope you are able to get to the bottom of this

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