Newly seperated H giving mixed messages

[hurtwife]

Hi
I posted on here a couple of weeks ago as my husband had just walked out on our 17 marriage and 4 children after i discovered he had been having an affair for a year.
We have been for one councilling session which was fantastic. He said he wanted us to make a go of it. Which i think deep down i really want to happen.
We had a fantastic day together - like his old self again but the next day when he went to work he was very very low again (he had seen OW). He says he just needs space and time to get over it. I am worried because i think he does have depression - but he says it is all self inflicted so doesnt need any help.
He has been a fantastic dad and i know he really loves the kids and is missing them.
I have not stopped him seeing them but at the moment they think it is all good fun - which hurts me.
This weekend because i am fed up with the arranging everything i said he should come here and join in with our family again.
If he wants to make a go of it it has to start somewhere!
He was very down yesterday and left again last night (he had spent friday night here).
He has just phoned to ask us all out to lunch.
I just feel i dont know what is best. I do think i want him back I know there is a lot of work to do and it wont be easy.
Do you think there is any hope or should i just accept that i will have a single life and become strong. I was begining to get stronger - which i think he liked. But this is just sending me back down again.
I worry that the longer he stays away the harder it will be to get back on track - or do you think i should give him some space to come to his senses? and how long will that take?

[ludalightsandlanterns]

aww hurtwife...you really do sound like the one who is suffering here...and you shouldn't be...you haven't done anything wrong!
Why is he toying with your emotions like this?
He's had an affair has he not.

I'm sorry if you have already explained this in your other thread (I didn't see it)
Is he still seeing the other woman regularly?
I just feel he has a strong case of "wants his cake and eat it"
I can understand your feelings completely...you have been married for so long...have children to consider...I have no doubt you still love him....
I think you need to find out exactly what he wants...he can't have you both!
He needs to be completely sure of what he wants...and he needs to think fast so he doesn't keep you hanging on!

I soo understand the situation(well kind of)...I have had an exp who couldn't make his mind up...so I eventually made it up for him as I couldn't bear the hurt any longer.

I think you need to get srong for your own sake...regardless of what he is doing..and he needs to know how this uming and ahing isn't helping!
I hope it gets sorted out xx

[hurtwife]

Hi thanks
He says its finished with her - but then saying and doing are 2 different things! He still sees her at work and they have been friends for a long time so i know he is hurting, he feels bad because he has wrecked her life too she has left her husband (but i think she would have anyway).
Of course he wants his cake (wouldnt we all?!!!). Am i just being very silly to think this was all just a big mistake and we can still make things work?
He is usually a very desisive person and so this not making his mind up is hard. He usually get what he wants (that not to be bad - he has provided very well for us all), so i believe if he really wants me he will do anything to come back. He is just not showing much crawling yet - is his low mood because he cant bring himself to crawl on his belly and ask for my forgiveness (which he has in a roundabout way!)
Anyway time will tell he is keen to go to councilling again so that is a positive sign.

[ludalightsandlanterns]

You are soooo forgiving! You really don't have a bad word to say!!!! I think you must love him so much...
I hope for your sake this works out...but please do try to think of yourself a bit more!
Perhaps you could just try and get on with your own life for a while....was it Sting that sung..."If you love someone..let them go"?
Try it for a while...if he comes back then it was meant to be...if he doesn't..then ditto.
(you also said he liked it when you became more independant...what did you mean? ...did he come back to you...like he was scared to lose you... or did he feel happier because you weren't so sad and he felt he could leave you and not feel so guilty?)

[maturer]

Hi hurtwife, was wondering the other day how you were getting on.
Yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of the day my dh "blew my life apart" and told me there was someone else in our marriage. As you may remember from previous posts, we are still together but it took lots of time and talking to keep it that way.
From what you describe I see aspects of how my dh was (perhaps not as depressed as yours)he was cetrainly tormented, confused and not thinking rationally. That's hard to cope with when he's brought it upon himself by the choices he's made and you have to deal with the day to day consiquences of it as well as the emotional trauma of your best friend "losing the plot"....I feel describes it perfectly. You are the person who is having to deal with the fall out and try to cope with your own anger and hurt as well as keeping life as normal as possible for the children.
Until your dh sorts his head out he will not start thinking rationally again. If he truely wants to try with your marriage then he has to accept he has a problem he must do some counselling ( I think you said you'd done some together)we did a little together in the ealry stages but I could see it wasn't working as he was not being totally honest and still didn't know what was going on in his head. I feel from my experience we only started to make progress together when we both seperately had counselling. For me it was my safety valve, it helped me see through my confusion, deal with the rollercoaster of emotions and make choices for my and the children's best interests. For him, eventually he "came to his senses" he made some sense of what he'd done and got down to the reason behind it.....which in the end was not a lot to do with our relationship.
That I think is hard for people to understand who've not been in that situation......until you are living it it's easy to have a black and white view of why people have affairs (or even naive like that other thread at the moment about it's the womans fault!!!!!!.......I hope she never really has to face the reality of that situation)
The issue for you is whether and how long you are prepared/able to hang in there for him waiting for him to see sense. I'd urrge him to get treatment for depression from his gp (he sounds worse than my dh was and even he at one point said he thought he was having some kind of emotional break down)as well as counselling to get to the bottom of why he's done what he'd done and how to live with that.
It is possible to move on from htis awful time but it is evry slow and you can only take each day at a time. By the sounds of what's going on at the moment it appears space between you will help BUT he must start taking responsibility for his actions.
I got to a point where I made that decision.....if you want to go I won't try and stop you but truley I want you to be with me.....he did come back in every sense of the word but it took about a year for him to be totally "with" me again. I don't rgret it now but it was a long hard journey.
thinking of you honey...take care

[MistressMiggins]

"He says its finished with her .... He still sees her at work and they have been friends for a long time so i know he is hurting, he feels bad because he has wrecked her life"

Sounds like mine - he worked(still does) with his mistress....shed left her husband....she must have been thinking shed given it all up for nothing when I found out & said he could stay....she worked on him (yes I know it takes 2) but she kept telling him I would never get over the affair....and I kept crying so proved her right - 8 weeks later he left and moved in with her

"i believe if he really wants me he will do anything to come back. He is just not showing much crawling yet - is his low mood because he cant bring himself to crawl on his belly and ask for my forgiveness "

yes he should
lots of people on here told me he should have been making an effort yet I was told I had 2 weeks to stop crying & move on

My advice to you is be honest with him and yourself - if he wants you, he needs to stop seeing other woman & certainly stop feeling sorry for her and concentrate on you. if he cant do this, then he needs to stop messsing with your feelings

meanwhile perhaps you should start looking to new future & then when he makes his mind up, you will know you CAN do it alone & then YOU CHOOSE whether to take him back

my heart goes out to you //[hugs]

[hurtwife]

Thanks again everyone
This has been a new experience posting on here and i will try to keep it up and post to others. Have had a really nice day today we all went out for lunch. He said he was really sorry about her and felt that she had put all her chips on red and it had come up black - she took the gamble and lost. I didnt even know i was in the bloody casino and i too could lose everything that i hold dear to me.
I will be strong i know i can cope without him and when the house is sorted so i can be more involved with the childrens school life will be better.
Any ideas for Xmas - he has suggested us all going away somewhere hot. It sounds great and maybe worth a go as it could be the last family holiday. Surely this shows his commitment to making a go of it or is it all guilt money?!! I worry that he is getting this house in order only to go back to what he had. I am being silly to think that the OW would still want the same part time relationship or would she now want more commitment?

[MistressMiggins]

I dont know - only u know whether its worth trying or whether HE is trying

My last family holiday was last Oct - 4 weeks after I found out....its the only holiday my DS remembers cos he was 3 1/2 at the time and he goes on & on about it all the time....except for me, I dont know how to remember it as 2 weeks after we got back, he moved out

I say you have to do whats best for YOU - if you want to go on holiday, go....if you want to make a go of your marriage, do....but remember HE has to want it tooo.... I can look back & KNOW that I tried....he cant say the same

so sad for you but you're doing really well
I have 2 books about "after an affair" - they are really good - I read them, unfortunately my soon-to-be-ex H did not - if you want them, you can have them - CAT me