Being someone I don't like but can't stop myself.

[Queenofwands]

Just lately I have felt like a wound up coil. I keep getting into nasty rows with my DP and at the time I think I am right but then afterwards I feel I blew up about nothing. I don't understand why as I feel closer to her than ever. I called her a vile name tonight and she is shocked and upset. Any advice ?

[JulyKit]

What do you think are the causes of your feeling so on edge?
You need to know that, really, in order to address rather than just suppress your behaviour - although in the short term, suppression is good....

[oabiti]

Hi, op,

Apologise & explain to her what you have said on here. Name calling is uncalled for, so, no doubt she is upset.

Do you think you, perhaps, need anger management?

[velourvoyageur]

Are there any new sources of stress in your life? Are you feeling ill or bothered by the hot weather or is work putting pressure on you?
The priority should be to protect your DP from you being unreasonable (sorry) so maybe just tell her that when you feel yourself getting wound up you're just going to remove yourself from the situation/room until you can talk calmly.
Do you feel resentment towards her in another area or something? You might not even feel it consciously or be able to pinpoint a particular event, might have to dig a bit. Feelings about that could affect your whole mood which would explain why the things you're fighting about seem not worth it afterwards but during the adrenaline rush they seem important.
Good on you for seeking advice and talking about it though, you sound very self aware :)

[Queenofwands]

Thank you so much for your responses. I think I might need anger management. I am worried about work, new house, lots of things but I always try to be the strong one and I don't like to worry her by talking about it, especially because a lot of it is in my own control.

Ido think this site has made me more self aware. In the back of my head I think what would I say if she wrote about me on a thread after that. LTB I think. Velour you are right the priority is to protect her from my unreasonable behaviour and I will focus on that. She really is lovely and very trusting.

I will look into the anger management because I remember I had these outbursts years ago and it precipitated a bout of depression. I have been fine for years but I think I need to take steps to sort it out.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

[DeckSwabber]

I am worried about work, new house, lots of things but I always try to be the strong one and I don't like to worry her by talking about it, especially because a lot of it is in my own control.

Talk to her about it. She's an adult and your partner, so treat her like one. You are not 'protecting' her from difficult stuff but denying yourselves the chance to grow your relationship in terms of mutual decision-making, and mutual support.

[shovetheholly]

^What Deckswabber said.

There is no strength in bottling things up, only to explode in a hurtful way. That's not strength - it's weakness.

Sometimes sharing your concerns can be amazing at getting them into perspective, or figuring out what kind of help you do need.

Behind a lot of anger is hidden fear, which might be why rage and depression are connected for you. Learning how to manage those anxieties (actually to deal with them and work them through, rather than ignoring them) can be transformative.

[Queenofwands]

Thanks again for the responses. I do feel very angry. A family member is being bullied ( think ea ...financial control, threatening to take kids etc). I got involved but there is nothing I can do and I feel an awful impotent rage. I hate the fact that he is getting away with it. I am the type of person who always solves problems and I can't do anything because the bastard has got her all ways. I did speak about it with partner but she is not very good at giving emotional support. She is the type of person who shows love with actions more than words. Since my Dad died and my mum got older I have been more head of my family and it kills me to see one of our little chicks in trouble.

[greenhill]

It sounds like there's a lot going on and you need to release that rage with a physical activity, as you can't resolve the situation.

What exercise do you like? Running, cycling, can you punch a pillow to release some nervous energy? alternatively try some relaxing exercises like yoga to calm yourself.