Last chance saloon

[MrsGrahamCoxon]

I have been devastated the last few weeks.

I ended a year long relationship due to feeling completely unappreciated and taken for granted over the last few months.

This came to a head on my birthday when he didn't do anything or plan anything nice for me....just got a card and a vague suggestion about going somewhere the next day. I got really upset on the evening of my b day and basically spent it feeling sorry for myself after getting angry with him and telling him to f off and give me some space, although we continued to meet up and talk a few times a week. He stayed one night and we cuddled but didn't go any further.

A few weeks ago he told me that his reasons for treating me badly were due to depression and anxiety (mostly related to things that happened before we met), and he has been to the docs and is undergoing counselling and has anti d's which he has been taking for a few weeks now. I'm pretty sure from some of the things he said that he had seen an exGF as some of the pseudo therapy stuff he came out with sounded more like her than him...

Now I was alright with all this and quite happy to remain friends and talk, and try 'pressing the reset button' as he put it. We arranged to meet up on my next day off

A few days later and after a really stressful week, I waited all day for him to arrange a time to meet me (he doesn't work) and didn't hear anything solid til late in the eve (9pm) when he asked to come to mine. I was hurt that I had again made the effort to get in touch, ask what he was up to and waited around all day, while he was vague about his plans. I decided that he was obviously after a shag and nothing else, and I sent him an angry text telling him it was over.

I heard nothing after I sent this text over 2 weeks ago. Since then, I have lost a grip of my emotions and behaved like a nutter. I have texted and called him over and over. Suspected he had seen an ex GF so I sent her a horrible message accusing her of stirring it (I'm not totally sure she isn't). Told him to f off and never speak to me again, then told him I miss him and love him...wine may have been involved..

This has resulted in him blocking me on FB, and on his mobile.....still without a single word in response to anything since I sent the angry 'you're dumped' text to him.

Then today, I got an email telling me he is going to 'drop by' to pick up some stuff at a neutral place he knows I will be all day tomorrow. I am feeling sick at the thought of seeing him. I want to but I am worried about the effect it will have if he is as cold as he has been.

I haven't emailed back yet but I don't think I can spend 7 hours tomorrow knowing he might just walk in at any minute (the door is open and it's a public place so I cant stop him). I am often on my own there so I don't think he's doing it in case I go bonkers..

I feel as though he has been punishing me steadily more and more over the last few months....from my birthday to this. I don't know if this is because I have been an emotional wreck and totally unreasonable. He is quite passive aggressive and doesn't like confrontation. I have been under an immense amount of pressure at work which has made me less than lovely to be around the last few months. He on the other hand has struggled with work and money and had to rely on me a lot to help him....this for me is where the fundamental problem lay

I feel like what was a relatively minor problem has gone nuclear and we are both trying to hurt each other. But I am so messed up I cant think straight. Tomorrow might be my last chance to back down, say sorry and tell him how I feel. I find it really hard to admit weakness and ask for help, but I really feel I should attempt some sort of reconciliation even if only in a 'no hard feelings' kind of way.

I don't know how to handle this...I literally need to be told what to say and do at the moment...

[AnyFucker]

I am sorry, op, you sound in a really bad place

have you seen this thread ?

[butterfly133]

Do you want a reconciliation or not?

[MrsGrahamCoxon]

'I can still feel now how it felt in the pit of my stomach when I thought about him and how panicked I got thinking I might not see him again.'

Thanks I just read that thread. This is how I feel right now. Except I'm going to see him tomorrow possibly for the last time. I am so ashamed at my mental behaviour over the last few weeks.

Right now I want to reconcile. But right now I'm not thinking straight and I haven't been thinking straight on the occasions I contacted him over the last few weeks. The only response I have had from him is him blocking me. Until the email today telling me he is going to drop by tomorrow. I dont know what I'm going to do when I see him

[pocketsaviour]

What is this stuff he is picking up? Is it possible to send it round to his in a taxi instead, so you're in control and not, yet again, waiting around for him to deign to show up?

Alternately can you make arrangements either for someone to be with you when he comes, or not be there yourself?

I honestly think the best way forward for you is to just cut him off completely and not see or speak to him again. Your relationship is clearly over, you are going to have to accept that. You've made a bit of a dick of yourself after the split, not ideal but it happens. You do not need to apologise to move on from this, you need acceptance.

[MrsGrahamCoxon]

It is possible to do that with his things. However, I've been waiting for him to contact me and I guess it feels like there is a tiny chance he wants to talk. To be honest I was expecting that he would contact someone and get them to pick it up for him after the last few weeks.

There are mutual friends he could ask to get his stuff, and other ways of doing it other than dropping by. I suppose it makes me feel like he wants to see me despite my crazy behaviour.

There isn't anyone I know who could hang out with me for the whole 7 + hours I am there. It just seems strange that he feels up to just strolling in and being alone with me after going to the lengths of blocking my ability to contact him.

[SelfLoathing]

To be honest, it sounds like he was doing that man thing of just behaving badly until you were forced to dump him because he didn't want to do the dumping.

Sorry you are feeling so bad. No contact is usually the best thing - so be ruthless about it once the meeting up is over and done with. One the day, just remember "in 24 hours it will be over". A day is a short time. Then you are done.

[MrsGrahamCoxon]

I agree with that. I felt totally pushed into dumping him due to his bullshit. I also agree that no contact is now the only way to deal with this. A part of me was relieved that he blocked me from FB, and on his phone.

Actually thinking about it. He was rude to me on my birthday.

He was unreliable and made no effort to making the relationship work while we were having some space.

He has totally ignored me since I ended it. Not one word in response.

Then I went fruit loop.

Then blocked me....

So wtf is he doing telling me hes going to turn up tomorrow? The stuff isn't anything important that couldn't wait....its been there for months.

Should I be worried about this?

[griselda101]

it sounds like he is playing control games with you, and employing classic passive aggressive behaviour (late, does not respond, withdrawing, everything on his terms).

the best thing you can do is get out, I wouldn't see him again, if he wants his stuff send it via a mate or something.

the sooner you can move on the better by the sounds of things.

[MrsGrahamCoxon]

This is true. Just emailed and told him I will get someone to drop it round to him. I know that's the right decision.

If I had to to deal with him walking into a situation where I have to be calm professional and cheerful in front of him due to work, it would probably drive me a bit nuts again afterwards. Just spent the weekend with friends getting it all out the last thing I want is to set myself back.

On balance, the sadness I feel at the thought of not seeing him is nothing compared to my mental health. Still love the git though

[JulyKit]

So basically, you want to be away from from him (good idea), but he is sort of hovering around and surfacing. You need to put a stop to that ASAP, and you need to know that within a specified time you won't have to see him anymore.

Make sure that he's got all his things. Don't allow him the opportunity to keep popping back for them. Tell him to provide you with a list so that you can do one final purge of his possessions. After that, don't see him at all. Make that a firm boundary.

You don't want to do more things like contacting his ex, and you don't want him in your life. Remove all excuses for him to hang around, and be done.

[griselda101]

MrsG - the love thing will pass and turn into pity / indifference / something else! just know that. It will happen the quicker you can refocus on what you want out of life rather than this pathetic man.

Well done on telling him a friend will sort the stuff out!

it's almost like by playing hard to get through PA techniques they are pressing our buttons which somehow makes us more attached as it makes us question ourselves (I went through a PA relationship). You will get over it! but only by not seeing him, make a clean break. You must be the one in control from this point, not him, don't allow him the satisfaction of coming round and screwing with your head again, don't engage in any further contact.

You're free of this man!! sorted! :-)

[MrsGrahamCoxon]

Thanks...I have just emailed saying exactly that.

A part of me does feel that I've just thrown away the last chance we might have had to sort things out.

We had an great relationship in a lot of ways, until it suddenly wasn't. Part of that was due to the stress on my part and his sense of failure (I guess) due to having to rely on me. I've had serious relationships in the past where this sort of problem might have come up and we got through it.

I feel as if I didn't give him the time for his counseling and antidepressants to have an effect, and that I was supposed to be his best friend. Am thinking maybe he is just so down he couldn't face seeing me at the time. I am doing very well in all other areas of my life, whereas he is struggling.

[griselda101]

mrs g, my ex has various depression and MH issues, all of which he blamed for his poor behaviour, lack of support, withdrawal, passive aggression, lying, poor attitude to our relationship, feeble attempts at behaving like a human, outrageous mistreatment of me, but what it came down to was his personality. don't confuse MH issues with being an arse. unfortunately we have a DS together (DS is great, but he frequently isn't!) so i still have to put up with his uselessness every day even though we separated a while ago now.

I felt the same as you, I tried to make it work, tried everything to help, even paid money for him to attend various therapies, lent him a lot, made allowances for his chronic lateness, lying, etc. In the end there was only one solution, dump him.

MH issues are one thing, but they don't equate to this behaviour. Try to understand that and don't put any blame on yourself. It's because he is an arse, not because of his MH issues.

[JulyKit]

The thing is, all relationships had some good parts to them, or they wouldn't have ever been at all.
Keep your boundaries and be strong. You gave him a lot, but you owe(d) him nothing, and you owe yourself a lot more.

Don't waste energy thinking about what might have been. That just distorts your impressions of what really was/is. Keep on moving forwards instead.

[MrsGrahamCoxon]

Thank you. This is really helping.

Last thing I did was lend him money because he couldn't afford his prescription. Then I was flat out at work all week while he spent the week feeling poorly, tired or weird because of the medication. Thing is, I know, I have taken antid's myself. I had a f/t job and 2 small kids and managed to get through it.

He managed to visit his exGF that week, and also managed to spend a fair bit of time on his hobby (which involves some socialising), but he couldn't be arsed to arrange a time to meet me somewhere. The last thing I wanted to do was for him to come and sit round my house talking til 2am and for it to get to that awkward time of asking him to leave...

I think once he realised that I wasn't up for a bit of free therapy, cups of tea and a cuddle, followed by a comfy shag he couldn't be bothered to make the effort with me

[griselda101]

omg, sounds like my ex too! he has no ££, relied on me for handouts, because he couldn't get his arse in gear to sign on, get a job, fill in dole forms, see the GP etc. Took me 18 months to get him to sort the money out, that was after lies for weeks, misleading, etc. I had a baby and a job and a house to contend with and he just sat on his arse blaming his mental health issues but refusing to do anything about it, or indeed anything.

He always claims he will do something later, but never does it. Always says he will get in touch, but never does. Ends up me doing everythign and chasing him for contact. Unfortunately as we have a DS and I rely on his (minimal) help this is the way it might be for a while longer. It has made my life very difficult.

I am finally truly realising what he's like. A free lunch man!

And he has never seemed genuinely grateful for what I have provided (the earth) over the last few years. No truly grateful words have come from his mouth. Like I always have to prompt him to say thanks.

Aside from this there are a few benefits, he can be quite supportive at times on an emotional level, and DS gets on with him well. But I think you have to view things on balance really. Weighing it up should tell you what is really going on. Actions speak louder than words.

Escape escape while you still can!

[MrsGrahamCoxon]

Sounds very familiar.

I have seen him behave in this selfish, self serving way with others....friends, family and obviously with me.

The last time we spoke he said to me that he was going to the doctors as he had realised since we had been apart that unless he sorts himself out, he is going to have no chance of a relationship ever working.

He did go to the docs that week, and I guess he thought I would be there to support him. Thing is I would have, if he hadn't started with this weird little game.

Your story is familiar.....ironically since me and the BF have broken up my exH is being all supportive and mooning around me again. He is a whole other heap of PA :)

[Janette123]

MrsGC,
I can see that you are very hurt and angry after being taken for granted for months - and you have every right to be angry.

I spent years with a passive-aggressive husband, but didn't realise it at the time. It really ground me down.

This guy isn't going to change, I'm afraid.

Your decision is to work out if it's worth risking your mental health to have a relationship with this person. Him being depressed isn't an excuse for treating you badly.

Maybe some counselling would help you get your thoughts in order? - it worked for me.

[MrsGrahamCoxon]

Thankyou

I am annoyed at myself for the anger I've expressed over the last few weeks....the messages and sending the message to his exGF. They both blocked me on FB at the same time. I feel a bit like I've pushed them together.

He was always making up excuses to go and see her, and last time we had a bust up he got in touch with her. He considers like some sort of relationship guru.

I emailed last night but I've had no reply. Not surprising as obviously he has to be in control of what happens. Just heard someone knock at my door and ignored it.

I realise that I am quite scared of seeing him....probably just irrational fear due to being unsure how he'll behave towards me. He does things when he feels like it. He was supposed to come round a week yesterday to get his things and didn't turn up. And I didn't hear from him until this email.

I don't know what to do if he turns up at work. I find it incredibly rude that he might do this after I asked him not to and offered to drop his stuff round if he gives me a list.

I can't wait another week to hear from him, knowing he could turn up any minute. I don't know his parents address or his exGF's address. Not sure what my next move is but I need to get rid before I have another stupid meltdown

[molyholy]

You said you have mutual friends. Can you not just get one of them to take his stuff round. Surely you don't need a list. Have a look round. Anything that is not yours, must be his. Do it tonight, get said friend to give it to him. Job done. You can get on with your life

[JulyKit]

Can you set an ultimatum for him to pick up his things?

Or gather them into a black plastic bag and dump them at his (or hers)?

What you need is closure.

The situation sounds as if it's all getting quite messy with boundaries being crossed so that things feel quite nasty.

You already know that you are better off once your boundaries are set and you have some kind of closure. You are entitled to that, but his pissing around stops that from happening.

Once you're rid of his possessions, there's no reason for him to cross your boundaries, so that's what you need to do - even if it means chucking the lot in a skip. Let him know that you'll do that if his crap isn't off your hands by [date/time].

[MrsGrahamCoxon]

It sounds ridiculous, but I have no idea where he is since I asked him to leave.

I don't know his parents, or exGFs address. I do know what stuff is his, but there are a few things related to DIY that I have no idea about which he mentioned yesterday....there's a big box of stuff that all got chucked together and I have no idea what is his.

I emailed and asked for a list. No reply. And he didn't turn up today, but I was shitting myself that he would.

None of our mutual friends know where to drop his stuff either, because until he met me, they weren't really mutual friends IYSWIM.....it's just that he's still FB friends with them while he has blocked me.

Sorry if I'm sounding a bit vague, but there is stuff related to the neutral place I work that he was involved with (through me) and also people he met (through me) that makes it not as easy as a domestic situation.

I already tried to fix a time on a certain day for this to be sorted but he didnt show up. I should also add that me freaking out after that is due to me finding out that he has possibly lied to me about something very important to me and that is fundamental to the start of our relationship.

I get the feeling he wants to discuss this by his (lack of) action in collecting his things as it is definitely unfinished business. However, by my crazy behaviour and reaction to finding this out and his then blocking me, it seems like his 'stuff' is the only thing keeping any option of discussing the issue open.

Sorry to be so vague. May elaborate in future comments

[griselda101]

do you have a tel no for him? or email? if so get a friend to text him (if you've been blocked) or email to tell him it's being left in the garden / shed / wherever on XX date and if it's not gone by XX date it's going straight in the bin and he shall have no further claim on any unclaimed items.

You have every right to do this. Just need to get it gone to move on and get some closure.

[MrsGrahamCoxon]

I've tried, seems like he just wants the upper hand by not responding and threatening to turn up at work.

The work stuff is related to other people and not just me using his stuff, but although I'm in charge and they all decided to use his stuff/ borrow his stuff without me, with his agreement

Now we have split I am the only contact point for the stuff. I've tried passing on his number and other peoples numbers but it seems like I'm the focus for the stuff related issues.

[JulyKit]

it seems like I'm the focus for the stuff related issues.

If the agreement was between hims and other people, and you've passed on contact details, then there's no reason that you should still be the intermediary for this arrangement. Emotional and relationship stuff aside, why should your time be taken up in this way?

Text relevant people to that effect if necessary, but in any event, this really isn't your problem, there's no need for you to involve yourself in it.