Need someone to talk to

[lammykins]

Apologies for long post and not sure of responses or answers i'm looking for but just need to tell someone, anyone...
on the outside i have the post perfect happy life, three wonderful healthy happy children loving caring partner beautiful house which we are renovating at the moment, i work part time and am exhausted trying to juggle everything. But inside i am so so sad and can't tell anyone as if talk about it, it all become real. My father committed suicide when i in my teens and it has never ever been talked about, i went back to school the next day it was my family's way of coping and his name has never really been mentioned since. my children don't even know his name or seen a picture of him a couple of times i have been crying privately and my partner has tried to comfort me but again he is the sort of " pull yourself together old girl" type of person. he has suggested seeing a doctor but i would never ever do that as i don't want to talk to a stranger or take up his time .. my brother and sister never talk about it and we all get along and play happy families.

Then there's my part time job which i hate hate hate but it fits in with the children and brings in a bit of extra money i have no time or energy for my interests or hobbies i have put on two stone in the last year and hate the way i look and the person i have become, lazy and no motivation. I have lots of friends but no one really close, without blowing my own trumpet i always seem to be the one listening to other peoples problems and running around after them but would never burden anyone with mine or ask for help. I have tried really hard to get this across to my partner but he says i need to stop feeling sorry for myself and only i can change the situation. i am fed up of crying in private and then putting a brave face on in public.
When i was younger i did cut myself as i cry for attention but nobody knows. I found an old photo of myself when i as 21 and i look so happy and carefree,successful career and slim and it upsets me to think i'll never be that person again Thanks for reading and i feel much better for writing this down.

[OttiliaVonBCup]

You can't keep putting on a brave face in public. You have to deal with this in a different way.

Any suicide is devastating, a parent's one particularly.

Talking to strangers is easier than talking to friends and family. They don't judge you and they don't have an agenda on their own. They are paid to help you. It's what they do.

In a way you are talking to strangers, us, and you did say you're feeling better for it.

[Candlefairy101]

3 key factors make me sure than your are suffering from depression

1. weight gain.. Probably through comfort
   
   
2. exhaustion... When I'm depressed I can't get out of bed
   
   
3. feeling like you are alone... 8.e no real friends/ can't talk to anyone
   
   How do you feel about writing it all down about the 'bad' things that are going on in your life right. Now and taking that to the dr?
   
   When you are feeling low you will lose you mojo and struggle to see anything positive around you or about your life, it's not you feeling sorry for yourself it the chemical imbalance with tin your brain x

[regretsihaveafew]

I know someone who holds everything in, has self harmed, refuses to talk to anyone about what is bothering her [an event in the past], is in a job which makes her unhappy, listens to others [yet deep down resents it, feels used, and is constantly comparing herself to others making herself more miserable]. She's also exhausted and constantly sounds like a victim.

Stubborn and a bit of a martyr, she is recently having a series of psychosomatic illnesses, she is more self obsessed as the years go by, really needing help and attention.....yet refusing to ask for it, thinking she is so intelligent that no one else knows more than she does.

Actually she's a pain to be around.

I have no idea why you would want to live like this and it sounds like your partner has it right. No one can help you except you. You are being a martyr. Other people have distressing events to get over, you are not unique. People want to help, you are not a 'burden' [victim speak] and professional people have the training to help you. You may think you are being strong and brave...but I'm sorry it's playing the victim and being a martyr.

Nothing will change until you take steps to change it. You say you feel better for writing this down? Then take a letter to a counsellor/doctor, email Jo at the Samaritans....next step talking in person maybe. You will feel better when you do.

[pocketsaviour]

Jesus regrets, why not just punch the OP in the face and have done? Talk about an empathy fail

OP you are coping (or trying to cope) with an awful lot of unhappiness, both current and from your past traumas.

I hear you about talking to the doctor, but would you consider just going and saying that you are feeling very low and aren't coping, and ask for a referral to counselling?

You could also try contacting CRUSE who offer support groups, phone counselling and email support.

Please do not be put off by the fact that you're talking to strangers - trained professionals and volunteers are used to discussing these things and giving support, that's their calling. It's much much easier sometimes to admit things to an objective third party than to bring things up with family - especially when the response in the past has been so dismissive.