I'm a complete mess please tell me it gets better

[Annie34]

long story short found out 9 weeks ago DH had been having an affair with a work colleague. He left 3 months prior to me finding out about affair and spent that time sleeping with me and OW. He came to me 4 weeks ago and said he wanted to give us another go so I let him come back, it lasted a week before I kicked him out as he spent a majority of the time pining for OW. Went out last night and found out he is back with OW and he told me he loves her. I'm heartbroken can't stop crying what the hell is wrong with me?!

[LaBette001]

Didn't want to read and run.

There is nothing wrong with you- but quite a lot wrong with him by the sounds of it.

You are bound to be hurt, cry if you need to. Get some real life support.

You will get through this. X

[nequidnimis]

There's nothing wrong with you, it hurts like nothing else and I'm sorry to say you've got a painful path ahead of you.

Wallowing for a bit is normal, but it gets better when you start getting angry.

Put some wheels in motion - it'll make you feel better and show him you mean business.

By this I mean - start sifting through your finances (copies and screenshots), see a solicitor, check out any benefits you might be entitled to, start putting his crap in a pile and start telling people so you get the support you need.

Take some time off work if you need to, or not if you need the distraction and company. If you are still crying constantly in a week, see your GP.

I guarantee that picking up his stuff in bin bags and settling into domestic life with the OW will be something of a wake up call for him. I doubt they'll last, and wouldn't be at all surprised if he tried to come back to you at some point. Harden your heart so that he can't put you through this again.

[mistymeanour]

There is nothing wrong with you. You are understandably grieving for your relationship and the future you thought you had. Let it all out

[ivykaty44]

Grieve for your relationship and do some lovely things for you, really will help, excersise is a good one as it helps with feeling good hormones.

Keep yourself busy so you concentrate your mind else where


but most of all give yourself time

[drasticpark]

The best thing you did was kick him out. He loves OW, does he? He wouldn't know how to love someone else if his life depended on it. He's treated you appallingly and he's probably doing the same to her. The only person he is thinking about is himself.

You say he's told you he loves her? Don't have conversations with him where this is likely to crop up. Cut him short. Business only from now on.

Cut yourself some slack in private. But don't let him see that.

[gildedcage]

You're in a grieving process. The relationship you had, the future you had planned. ..I think this is harder than a bereavement as you know that person has consciously chosen to leave.

It is hard to think about the future now. Take each day as it comes, if you have a bad day there's always tomorrow. ..you get back on the horse. Its hard to see it now but this will make you stronger.

My only advice is to concentrate on you rather than fixating on what he might be doing.

[Annie34]

Thank you for all your replies. I know it will get better eventually and I am better off without him. He came round before and he was telling me he'll always love me and kissing and hugging me. He's just messing with my head. I need to be strong now and keep things civil for the sake of the DC's but that's it.

[britneyspearscatsuit]

I think "you're better off without him" and "it will get better" are words that are true, but also words that mean almost nothing to you at this point.

None weeks is nothing. For the first three months after something similar happenned to me, I was in medical shock. Years later now, I don;t actually remember a year of my life.

Autopilot goes on.

For now. Be practical. Find the steel core inside yourself and whisper internally "this is not going to beat me" and make the decision to cling on to fighting for what's best for you.

Do that by getting the right legal advice, making sure you are protected financially, making sure you do not allow your battered self esteem to make you forget how important you are.

"when people treat you like shit, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them". Repeat that over and over, every morning, every night every minute because it's true.

As for the pain...yes...it gets better. I'd say it gets better in the sense that you find yourself a while getting through an entire day without remembering it. Then an entire week. Then it's just occassionally. When you do remember it, it hurts just as much - but it's no longer present.

Recovery times are largely dependent on you. If you find ways to fill the time with things that make you happy and build your confidence back, you will feel less "loss", less "need" and you will find a place where you actualy believe "you're better off without him".

My best advice after such betrayal and shock, and being disgarded like rubbish by the person you loved and trusted most in the world is to find a way, by WHATEVER means, to truly believe that when someone behaves like this is is NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not defective, you could not have chnaged it by being better, younger, thinner, dirtier in bed. OW is not better than you. She is just diferrent. JUST DIFERRRENT. And he might well do the same to her one day because it's in him to do so. He has taken something from you here and you will need to fight your way back. Do it. Because fuck him that's why. Because you're a loyal spouse and he isn't. Because in time you'll realise you dont want to grow old with someone capable of that.

My second best advice is to get it out. Don't lock it inside, don't stop talking about it. Talk to anyone, everyone and cry and scream and drive your friends and family mad - because that grief is very real, few people will understand what it feels like to lose a husband in nine weeks...and if you try and push it down it will come out later in ugly ways. You deserve better than that.

I am so sorry x

[drasticpark]

What you're going through is hellish. My ex had a 2 year affair while my father was dying. His behaviour hurt more than my dad dying. I shit you not, it was the most painful thing that ever happened to me. Worse than any bereavement.

Give yourself some credit for what you've coped with thus far. More shit to come to be sure, but you've already proved you're the bigger person. And I truly believe that his actions will revisit him at some point. He won't come out of this smelling unscathed. That's a definite.

Beware though, he's trying to keep his options open, aka: messing with your head.

[Cassawoof]

britneyspearscatsuit that is a great post.

I am really sorry that this has happened to you OP. Do not expect yourself to function, just concentrate on the little important things and especially your DCs. You will be alright, it will take time and you are just starting out on an emotional rollercoaster but it will stop one day and you will be able to get off. Look after yourself and decide what you want, not what he wants. Time to take control.

[Janette123]

Annie34,
I am sorry you are going through this.

"I'm heartbroken can't stop crying what the hell is wrong with me?!"

There is nothing wrong with you.
You have been lied to, cheated on, betrayed, messed about by this selfish jerk who doesn't know what he wants. You have every right to feel upset, angry and devalued.

Yes, it does get better, but you need to help yourself here. You must take control of the situation.
Go NC with him except for business matters. Get legal advice (most solicitors will give you a half hour consultation for free. Get your financial affairs in order and open your own bank account if you don't already have one.
Pack all his stuff up in suitcases/binbags and have it by the front door. If he calls ask him to take it.

He wants to have his cake and eat it - don't allow him to do that.

Remember the old saying "never make someone a priority when you are only their option".

[Annie34]

Thank you everyone for you replies. britneyspearscatsuit great post. I keep saying to myself "this is not going to beat me". I started divorce proceedings when I found out about the affair - Decree Nisi is being pronounced today actually so in that respect everything is in motion. It helps that I work for a law firm as well!

[Jan45]

Annie, it is defo not you, it's all him and next time he tries to sleaze on you give him a stark warning to keep his grubby hands off you, he lost that right some time ago.

[britneyspearscatsuit]

That's great that you're on top of the practical things Annie. I remember when I was in a similar situation I loved and trusted him so much, and tuly believed he felt the same and would never do anything to hurt or abuse me that I did absolutely nothing practically to protect myself. Didn't seem real.

I think that betrayal is hard, but betrayal from a spouse is psychologically very difficult to process. I know that for me he died that day, so it was a process of bureavement. That person is no longer the person they once were to you and it is very difficult to make sense of past, present or future.

I don't believe anymore that love is a feeling. when people behave like this it's not involuntary, it's a conscious choice and a selfish and short sighted one. His "love" for the OW is all about how he feels around her, how he percieves the future with her and the fantasy of all this he has built in his mind. That will have very little to do with her...because if he was married to someone else and met YOU he might have had the same reaction.

I believe that people leave for many reasons. One might be that the marriage is genuinely unhappy and not working -but I feel if this was the case BOTH partners would actually be aware of it.

The second is that they are missing something inside...feeling like they are missing out, bored, wanting an escape from life and from themselves and all of a sudden this shiny new person comes along and in that space they can re-invent themselves. I think it's all about that.