Just told 'd'h it's over

[milkysmum]

Long back story but in short dh and I together for 14 years, married for 9 and have two dc's age 6 and 3. Dh and I split last year after I could take his chronic cannabis use and emotional abuse no more. He moved out for 6 months and life felt easier. However he got me to agree to try again after he gave up the cannabis and I foolishly agreed to give things another go. He has been back 8 months and whilst he is not back smoking cannabis he is drinking too much and spending a lot of time in the pub, I feel generally neglected, he is mood and finds it impossible to communicate on any emotional level. I have to control the money and give him access to limited amounts only but he is still spending over £100 a week in the pub. I have hit breaking point and tonight have told him I don't think I love him any more and that I think we should separate. He said he won't move out again and that this is all my fault for not paying HIM enough attention. He's stormed off upstairs now saying this is all me and that he is willing to try and reduce his alcohol ( heard it all before) but that I have given up on the family. I just don't think I love this man anymore yet I don't hate him either. He thinks we just need to try harder?

[FenellaFellorick]

No. He thinks you need to try harder to stfu and accept his crap.

He had every opportunity to try as hard as he liked and he chose to piss time and money away down the pub.

It's only a problem now you've had enough and suddenly it's 'we'?

Where was 'we' when he was chucking pints down his neck?

Don't let him convince you he's hard done by, whatever your choice ultimately is, he's had every opportunity from you. If he can't see that, that's not your fault.

[gainingcontrol1]

milkysmum ~ I really feel for you as im in the exact same situation but mine is Cannabis. He spends about £40 - £50 on the drug alone per week, then drinks min 2 cans of lager per night. Most of the time is spent sitting on my own as he is out in the shed smoking and drinking.

Yet like your husband when I spoke with him he said he felt I was putting enough effort on or paying him enough attention. He doesn't take in account I do everything around the house and with DC as well as work and pay all the households bills etc, whilst everyday/night he has his downtime to relax.

I would be interested to see how you get on if you split again, as I feel mine is coming very soon too and I can only imagine like you life will be a lot easier.

Hugs to you x

[Handywoman]

Milkys I recall you posting last year about this waste of space.

'Given up on the family' seems to apply to him.

Well done for finally reaching the end of the line - this is no reflection on you.

See a solicitor and take it from there.

Is there a friend who you can lean on???

[AnyFucker]

You can stop now, love

[milkysmum]

Gaining- we spoke on your other thread recently. Dh was identical to your dh before he left last year £50 on cannabis, sat in the shed every night, me feeling so alone. Now he's back this time free of cannabis and not in the shed but double the money down the pub or sat in with a face like a wet weekend! I've just started reading co- dependency no more and it's making a lot of sense.
When he's nice he really is that's the problem and it catches me off guard and I think maybe I should stick this out for the sake if the kids but then I remember just how much time I fantasise about a life without him and that spurs me on again! I think I will make an initial appointment with a solicitor for advice. We have a joint mortgage and he is refusing to move out.

[AnyFucker]

I don't think it is good for kids to witness this dynamic, so "sticking it out for them" is a false premise

[milkysmum]

I completely agree AF. I cannot get him to understand that staying together for the children is not the answer and they will not thank us in the long run!

[AnyFucker]

he doesn't need to "understand"

if he "understood" he wouldn't have put his family through this in the first place

hear this: you can finish it any time you like...you require neither his understanding or his permission

[Handywoman]

You're the only adult in your house, Milkys so it's time to get the legal wheels in motion.

[milkysmum]

He's been for a shower and come down acting like nothing has just been said. I never got to the point earlier of actually saying I was going to see a solicitor/ that I wanted a divorce. Just that I didn't see a future for us, didn't love him, we'd be better off not together etc.. What do I do just be 'normal' around him, talk again about? Men are a strange breed, you'd think he'd be in bits his wife just told him she didn't love him

[AnyFucker]

why would he ?

he has learned he just has to ignore your little "temper tantrums" then it's business as usual

I am sorry, love

stop watching/analysing his behaviour and match yours with useful actions

[Handywoman]

Agree, take your focus off him. Detach and think practicalities now. Who cares what goes on in his head? What difference does it make?

[milkysmum]

Yes you're right I tend to spend far too much time analysing his behaviour, very typical co dependant behaviour of my own that must cease.

[AnyFucker]

indeed it must

or you will still be here a year from now detailing his bathing habits and asking strangers how to act around him