I know theres no solution but just want to get it off my chest

[peanutnutter]

NC for this. Married 25 years, he's a good man in many ways. Good father, hard working, incredibly loyal and definitely faithful, but.... There's always a bloody but isn't there? We have not had sex for 10 years, for a number of reasons. We have both had medical problems that made it impossible. Mine are now resolved and his are semi resolved. He has been on tablets for cholesterol and blood pressure which has had an impact but he is now off the tablets. Over the years we have talked about the lack of a sex life and he says he misses it (as do I). He says that he wants to but can't, I have tried to establish if he really can't or if its a lack of confidence after so long but he won't go into any specifics. Most of the time I can cope but recently (and I don't know if its related to being on HRT in the last 6 months ora mid life crisis but its really getting me down. There is an age gap (he is 64 and I am 46) which probably doesn't help. He is very tactile and kisses and cuddles me but it never goes any further. We were watching tv the other night and normally we cuddle up on the sofa (and I fall asleep) because I have to get up early for work I suggested we just went and had a cuddle in bed, his response was he wasn't ready for bed but if that was what I wanted he would come up and then get back up again. So cue me falling asleep on the sofa and waking up at 1am and getting up at 6am. At least if we had gone to bed I would have slept through. I should mention as he works nights we have separate rooms. I don't know why I am posting really, I have so many thoughts going around in my head. I don't think he realises how much it bothers me, I want to feel that my husband lusts after me - I know he loves me but when that is not shown physically its soul destroying. Its not the sex or lack of it, I guess its the feeling that your partner desires you that is missing and I guess because I am getting older I need that reassurance that he still finds me attractive. We went to a gathering recently and I met some of his friends from years back and a couple of them commented on how lucky he was to have me and it just didn't seem to register. I have told him most 64 year olds would be really flattered that a woman nearly 20 years younger was attracted to them and he just says I know. So its long, sorry about that - I just wanted to get it off my chest. Don't even know why but today I just feel really sad and taken for granted. Its like I just have to put up with it. I understand its difficult and stressful for him, but its like he has a problem and I am just expected to live with it with no acknowledgement of how it makes me feel. Thanks for reading if you managed to stay awake this far.

[imsorryiasked]

Didn't want to read and run. My dh is 14 yrs older too and we are in a similar position.
Could you go for couples counselling? I think you really need to tell dh how you feel. Could you suggest just touching each other so that he knows it definitely won't lead to full sex which may be what is bothering him until he gets his confidence back?
I think its really good that you do get kisses and cuddles even if its not as passionate as you'd like.

[Jojoanna]

I too would suggest counselling. So you can work out if you wish to stay in the marriage .Why does DH working nights mean separate bedrooms? Do you sleep together on his days off so there is a chance of a cuddle in bed ?

[whattodoforthebest2]

Show him this thread?

[Barbafamiily]

This obviously bothers you, so something has to be done. But in so many ways you are describing an amazing man, for all the qualities you describe, the fact he is so affectionate, that he recognises that he is lucky to have you, that he is happy to leave the TV just to go up to bed and cuddle you on your whim (even though you don't sound pleased about that, because he said that he would come back down after? I can't see the problem with that?) You say you had medical problems in the past which meant that you couldn't have sex, did he make you feel that you were taking him for granted during that period like you say that this makes you feel now? And with an age gap like that, I guess you must have considered the possibility that at some point in the future your sex drives could get out of kilter? Even if it is not a medical thing any more, which as you say, it might still be. I am sorry if I don't sound very sympathetic, I am, but if you wrote a list of all the amazing things he does against this one problem surely the positives would far outweigh the pros? I guess I am just saying that no one is perfect, we all have our "buts" and it is up to us how much importance we put on the imperfections of our partner. Is there other ways he can make you feel better about yourself that you could suggest to him? He sounds like he is keen to do what makes you happy, maybe you could ask that he compliments you more so that you feel more desired by him? Hope it works out for you, because it sounds like you have got a good one there.

[ratinkitchen]

Do you go on dates to cinema, theatre, music, sport events, meals, spa ?

Can you give each other a foot, head, back massage ?

Do you go on holidays together or weekends away ?

Where is the fun in your relationship, do you laugh together ?

Sounds like you need to rekindle a bit of spark !

It doesnt have to lead to the "full works", but to some intimacy

I think you should make it clear that he has to make some effort or there could be consequences

[pocketsaviour]

I don't think he realises how much it bothers me

I also think you need to explain this. I completely understand how you feel. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to find you sexually attractive is a real drainer on your self-esteem.

[Zillie77]

If the issue for him is achieving and/or keeping erections, what about engaging in sexual activity that does not require an erect penis? Lots of men would still be willing to do that, would he?

[peanutnutter]

Thanks for the replies. I have told him everything I wrote on here already. I know I am lucky he really is a good man and I love him dearly I just wish we could express it how we used to. He misses that too. There are no issues in our relationship we go out for meals have a laugh together and genuinely like each other. I have said there's no pressure on him let's just "fool around" and see what happens. I don't want him to get stressed about it I just want him to commit to seeing where things go. sadly he is very shy and possibly due to his age doesn't like to talk about it. There's no question of me wanting out I would rather be in a sex less marriage than without him. I just needed to vent really.

[MatildaTheCat]

You really do need to talk to him frankly. Is he scared? Does he wake with an erection or masturbate? If no to this then he should see his GP. Men can be so strange about discussing these things with their doctor, he needs to understand that it really is important to you. Agree with the above suggestions too but ruling out further medical issues should be a priority.

Best of luck.

[peanutnutter]

He's been to the Dr and prescribed with viagra. I think it's 50% physical and 50% psychological

[Cocosnapper]

Giving up your sex life at 36 is terrible! Would he go for therapy?

[peanutnutter]

No he's not a therapy type of person.

[Offred]

It's neither of your fault but I wouldn't say there isn't an answer.

People change over the course of a long marriage and sometimes find that their relationships don't make them happy anymore because of it.

I think there are choices. Either you stay and accept that he has either reached a phase of his life where he wants different things to you or he actually physically can't provide what you want anymore, or you could break up and move on. It all depends on how much of an issue this really is for you and that's a totally personal question really.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Did he achieve an erection when he took the viagra?