In my twenties and life seems pointless, I can't cope

[whatevertheweather1]

I am in my late twenties and feel like I cannot cope with life. I honestly feel like I don't know how to live.

I've somehow managed to get into a competitive work industry - something which everyone is so proud of me for, and I'm told a lot 'isn't that amazing.' It's not. I dislike the job, I don't help people day to day and that bothers me. I gave up a lot of/all my twenties financially and otherwise to get here, and it's utter shit. I wish I had enjoyed my life more instead of thinking that the job was the be all and end all. Ironically I am in a worse situation financially than other 'less successful' friends, who got a more basic job while I was in uni still.

My relationship ended a few months ago, and I play over and over in my head that this was my fault. I have never learnt to just let life go and I hate that fact, I don't know how I got to this point. I don't see the point in life anymore - it's just a struggle everyday. I don't know how to be properly happy. I felt safe in a relationship because making the other person happy kept me going... I don't know how to have a shred of happiness on my own - making myself happy doesn't make me happy, if that makes any sense.

I feel lonely, and trapped and scared. I have no sparkle for life anymore, and I feel like I am not making the most of out life and that makes me feel guilty. I am literally just existing. I went from a happy, resliant woman to a complete mess. I cry every day and feel frustrated and trapped with my life.

I often wonder if I took myself off somehwere in France or Italy, even on my own, if a few weeks of some distance would help shake me back into who I was. I have family in Boston and sometimes wonder if I should go there for a bit. But then I don't. I don't even know what I am typing, I just know I am a mess.

I keep waking up in the night and feeling like I am about to die and then wondering about all the things I have and havent done. I hate life and find it fruitless and unfulfilling in every sense.

I have been to the doctors and been told I have stress, depression, all sorts. But the fact is that I am ok - I'm just very unhappy and don't know how to live anymore.

Has anyone felt like this and got their life back? If so, how?

[WherehaveIgoneto]

Wow, your post strikes a lot of chords with me! Hugs.

I have done something similar with my job, but am in the process of changing career to something much less financially lucrative.

Making yourself happy is the most important thing you can do. I also struggle very badly with that. I hope someone can give you some advice, because I can't!

Although I am reading quite a good book called "59 seconds". I can recommend that as a starting point...

[fearandloathinginambridge]

You do sound depressed and stressed and I think that needs tackling before anything else. Are you getting any counselling? If not then you should prioritise this. You seem to be minimising this by saying that you are basically 'OK' just unhappy.

I recognise how you are feeling and I had a similar crash in my 20's - relationship ended, I found that being on my own was a struggle, I felt I had lost my identity, I hated my job etc. I was depressed and it was hard to face that but it needs to be done before you can move on.

The answer for me was to seek counselling and I was fortunate to find a great counsellor who helped me through the relationship break up and gave me some great advice about learning to just be me. I am forever grateful for that.

I didn't take antidepressants at the time but looking back I wished I had. They can help give you the respite you need from anxiety and depression to engage with counselling and to take any action you need in changing your life - such as finding a new job which when you are depressed and not sleeping isn't an great prospect.

Things seem dark for you now I know, but I promise, there is light and you won't feel like this forever. If you haven't sought counselling I would highly recommend it as a first step in your plan to change things.

[whatevertheweather1]

Thanks for your response.

That is exactly how I feel. I am so lost.

Are you happy now and with someone? Do you ever think about your past relationship?

I feel like I dont even know what I want in life anymore and that scares me so much. I dont think I know what I want because I dont really want anything..everything seems so bleak and the purpose to life has completely gone.

[fearandloathinginambridge]

I am married now (in my mid-40s). I met my husband when I was 30 so I had good 5 year period of being single, dating occasionally, finding myself and defining my life before I got into another serious relationship. I was able to forget my past relationship with the help of counselling.


I totally understand where you are coming from when you say you don't know what you want in life anymore. I felt like that. It is a symptom of depression and if you can get back on an even keel that feeling will pass.


Would you consider counselling?

[ChilliMum]

I had a similar experience in my mid 20s. Relationship ended horribly, perfect job was anything but, too broke to take a holiday etc.... My family still call it my quarter life crisis. I made a bucket list went to the top of a mountain in switzerland, learned to scuba dive and then jacked in 'the job' and headed off to volunteer in the rain forest for 6 months. Was the best year of my life. Lots of ups and downs and some very scary moments but don't regret a thing and so so glad I did it then, now I have children I know I couldn't be so reckless.

[wol1968]

If you took yourself off abroad you wouldn't become the person you were, you'd become another person entirely. Which is good. But VERY scary. And I think this is the key to how you are feeling.

Basically, what's happened here is that you've spent your entire life working towards one goal, and now you've got there, you've found that it isn't right for you at all. When you're twenty-something, this leaves you feeling like there's nothing else. I felt like this after university. I got a 2:2 in English in 1990, which wasn't a terrible degree back then, but I felt like I'd failed. My relationship had fallen apart. (With hindsight, that was just as well, as he was an immature idiot who treated me like I was second best, but it didn't feel good at the time). I've now been with DH for over twenty years and we have two DCs. And I hadn't a clue what I wanted to do with my life. I still don't but at least I've made my peace with it.

Do whatever works. Medication, counselling, a year in the rainforests, volunteering in Africa...Trust me, this isn't all there is, you will come through it. And if you want to read about someone who went through her twenties being really messed up, try Bryony Gordon's The Wrong Knickers. There's something a bit trashy about her writing but I grinned wryly and shook my head over a lot of it. It's oddly reassuring in a sort of 'always someone making a bigger mess of life than you' way.

[ZaZathecat]

It sounds like your job is the root of your problems so change it. Don't worry about wasting your training etc. - it's nobody's business but yours how you live your live and you have to do what makes you happy otherwise what is the point? Travelling may be an answer as others have done, but maybe just retrain in a totally different profession, something that will feel 'makes a difference', maybe physiotherapy or something?

Imagine how different your life could be in 5 years if you make it happen. Good luck x

[whatevertheweather1]

Thank you so much for the replies.

I think the job and the ending of my relationship has culminated in me feeling like this.

I feel like my life is empty, and the ending of the relationship made that stand out to me. I honestly cant imagine meeting anyone else and that terrifies me so much. I feel so alone.

Tonight, I will go home and sit alone, have shower, tidy up and go to bed. And the weekends make me feel even more alone.

I don't know how to get out of this horrible cycle, and it's making me miss my exdp more and more.

[dublingirl653]

take some steps in the right direction

psychotherapy saved my life!!!

also dont stay in a job in which you are not happy
make some big changes for the best
be kind to yourself

mindfulness is amazing

[thisisnow]

Hope you are okay, I feel similar and I'm in the last year of my 20's, to be honest I've found my late 20's really challenging.

I'm in a relationship but I have stuffed things up there quite a lot too. And my job is also dragging me down but I can't find anything else. It feels like nothing excites me any-more, not sure if you can relate to this?

Boston sounds great, I'd leap at that chance

[OhNoNotMyBaby]

I always tell my girls that the very first and most important thing they have to do in their lives is to find what makes them happy. Because when they are happy they can help make others happy. So you absolutely must make this your #1 priority.

OK, so you don't know exactly what that is right now, but you DO know what is making you unhappy. You are young and single. You can do whatever you want - seriously. Give up your job, go travelling, do voluntary work overseas or just give yourself 6 months of doing nothing.

You're in a hamster wheel right now - get out of the wheel and see what happens. This feeling will pass, I promise.

[whatevertheweather1]

thisisnow that's exactly how I feel - literally nothing makes me feel excited or happy - I don't know how to get to that point.

I feel like I have completely ruined my life through making so shitty choices and not prioritising.

ohnonotmybaby that is good advice, thank you. I don't know where to begin, my confidence is so low that I don't know how to make a proper decision anymore. I feel like I have made so many mistakes and that's why my relationship ended, I don't deserve to be happy. I just wish I wasn't here most of the time.

[Millipedewithherfeetup]

Do you have any friends ? They can help a lot with breakups at your age, even if you dont feel like it, arrange to meet up for a meal or drinks or just a day out somewhere, organise things for at least one evening or weekend its something to look forward to, also have you had a holiday recently? A complete break for even just a week can help you rejuvenate, if it was me i think i wiuld try these small things first before taking big steps like movung etc, good luck op hope things get eadier for you x

[whatevertheweather1]

All my friends are married/with partners and very settled, bar 2 who live hundreds of miles away. I have leaned on my friends and they have helped, though.

I've not had a holiday, no. I'm not sure if that would be beneficial as I would just be moping around and would feel even more of a pathetic mess...taking anual leave but nobody to spend it with/nothing to do.

Thank you for your reply.

[ZaZathecat]

How about a singles or activity holiday? Sailing, painting, cooking, whatever, you have something to do, new people to meet and no need to mope around on your own.

[whatevertheweather1]

za how do you do that/find that info? I've neverheard of that kind of holiday, it sounds good.

[thisisnow]

This looks good!
www.trekamerica.co.uk/adventure-holidays-for-singles.html

[ZaZathecat]

Well there's one from the previous poster but I'll try to find you some less adventurous ones too. Will report back...

[ZaZathecat]

This site does various activity holidays www.golearnto.com/cooking-holidays-and-wine-courses/cooking-courses-and-holidays/italy

[ZaZathecat]

Or you could have a look here
www.action-outdoors.co.uk/singles/singles-activity-holidays

[springydaffs]

Sorry you feel so shit op. It will pass, even though you can't imagine that at the moment xx