In Limbo

[Kareninprogress]

This is the first time I have ever posted anything on a forum, so please bare with me if I sound a little confused and don't use the correct abbreviation.
Separated with husband 7mths ago after 24years of marriage. Things have always been up and down but seemed to get worse in the last 2yrs.
He has admitted that he distanced himself a couple of years ago as he couldn't cope with my depression and has told me to sort out my shit.
I have been depressed for along time and am medicated, tried CBT (which helped) and have been seeing psychologist on and off for years. I have recently be referred back to my psychiatrist and am in the process of changing medication. (so don't think I can do anymore).
The problem is I don't want the marriage to be over but he wont talk to me about anything emotional and wont go to any counselling . So I feel I'm stuck hanging around waiting for him to decide what he wants.

A little more information we have 3children 20,17 and 13 all living at home and I am living in the family home with them. I've now been working full time for 6mths. He is paying all the bills, including our food and doesn't want to change any of the bank accounts.

I just don't know what to do and I know he wont make any decisions as one of his faults is that he doesn't do anything.
What to do.

[Lailoo]

Things always seem worse at this time of the morning dont they? I'm trying to go back to sleep but didn't want to read and not say anything. Your doing all you can but maybe this break is what you both need to see how you feel.

[marriednotdead]

Hi Karen, welcome to MN

You sound rather lost and passive in all this which of course is understandable. Do you feel well enough to tackle this now, and if so, do you think he is aware? Giving him the benefit of the doubt for a moment, he may be trying to avoid triggering off something that would bring you down again.
Refusing to discuss emotional stuff or engage in counselling does not sound like the actions of someone who wants to stay married

Sometimes we have to take the bull by the horns and make our own decisions. If he does not want to remain with you/married then you cannot force him to, sadly. So, if you're up to changing the status quo, you need to decide- what do you want?

[Kareninprogress]

I want him to make an effort and attend some counselling together. I think he still cares for me but he has always struggled to show any emotions. I'm scared to go to a lawyer and try to work out a settlement or do anything that is going to upset him and make it more difficult to reconcile.
My psychiatrist suggest I smile and be more pleasant when he comes to the house to see the kids. This is fine but how do I then discuss any issues and plans for the future as he sees this as being negative and that is something he is sick of.

[Joysmum]

I think you need to know if what he wants from you is realistic?

'Sort your shit out' is such a generic term. What does he think you should be doing that you aren't? You're already getting counselling and you can't help it if the last medication wasn't right and you're being transitioned into others.

If he honest thinks there's something more you can do but aren't doing then you need to know to be able to adress it.

If 'sort your shit out' is you somehow magically being better again in future despite you doing all you can within your power then this is worse. It means he so how thinks your depression is your choice.

He may well think you are doing all you can and have reached a stage where he's struggling to cope and need a break. That's perfectly understandable although obviously not great for you or him that things have reached this stage but certainly recoverable from.

Until you can get him to express what he thinks you need to do to 'sort your shit' you won't know if it's possible, if he's being reasonable or simply not able cope any more himself. May be a letter would be a better way for you both to communicate?

I wish you all the best

[CaptainZoot]

Something you said Karen really resonated with (and upset) me! What sort of person says 'sort your shit out' to some one who is depressed?

It's extremely insensitive and stems from a societal expectation that depressed people are able to just 'snap out of it'. Depression is a biochemical problem and your brain is an organ. Why is it so common for people to assume we can assume complete control of our brain any more than we can control our lungs, liver, heart etc?

For what it's worth I'm sorry this is happening to you and I hope you can find happiness.

[Carii]

I think him telling you to sort your shit out sounds like a man that has seriously had all he can take and that it was affecting his own life which is why he has separated and moved out. Maybe he needed to do this for his own sanity. You have been together for a long time so he has lived with this situation for a long time too. Maybe it was a self preservation thing which is understandable.
You are sorting out your mental health by the sounds of it. Good for you. Doing this is helpful for you, not just him. Have you read some books on depression and anxiety? Im sure you have but there are a lot out there that can really make a difference. You obviously miss your husband and want him back. Your therapist makes a good point. If you seem happy in yourself and smile and look good when he visits then he will want to be around you more. You will seem more like the woman he married and fell in love with.

Have to add, you don't think that there is anyone else involved do you?

[Toffeelatteplease]

With the greatest of respect you need to ask yourself what actually went wrong, not just from your perspective but his too. what has actually changed and can it stay changed? With these in mind is getting back together actually realistic?

Then you need to be straight. You need ask for what you want but you need to accept your dh might not want the same.