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We'd decided no dc together, but now I'm broody...

6 replies

NutellaOnCrumpets · 03/05/2015 14:01

I'm nearly 30 with a ten year old DS from previous relationship.
My DP is very nearly 50, he has three older children from three different relationships (he isn't a shag-around bastard, it's just how things turned out - two of the relationships were ended by the other partner). The dc are aged 18-25.

I've always been maternal and homely, and would have loved another 1-2 children when in the right relationship. DP has always said he'd like a dc with me too. After lots of discussion though we decided we won't, due to his age, and also the fact that adding a baby in would make everything so much more complicated with our existing kids and life in general. DP doesn't have a good relationship with his eldest dc and they are basically NC (the dc's choice). So on the whole it doesn't feel right to TTC.

However in my group of friends I have many who are about to drop, or have newborns or are now moving onto having dc2. And I felt a strange sadness that this won't be me. DP says he is happy with or without a dc between us, obviously he's done his fair share of dc-raising.

DP gets on so well with my ds, treats him like his own. We have a brilliant relationship. I want a happy stable relationship and the opportunity to try for another baby, but feel like I can't have both. I am aware that sounds selfish and greedy, especially as I already have my ds.

I don't know how to sort my head out, or if I can ever get the baby-longing out of my system.

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Spotifymuse · 03/05/2015 14:06

I would not consider having another child with someone who has no relationship with his other children AND had three children in three relationships within the space of 7 years. He sounds as if he has had massive issues around parenting and the risk of those issues resurfacing would be a deal breaker with regards having another baby.

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NutellaOnCrumpets · 03/05/2015 14:11

He has a good, close relationship with the younger two but not the eldest. Like you say though, it's probably still a deal breaker.

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Branleuse · 03/05/2015 14:12

cant you talk to him about it?

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NotYouNaanBread · 03/05/2015 16:49

I agree entirely with Spotifymuse. If I felt this strongly about having more children (which I don't think is unreasonable of you), I would consider leaving and starting over. With his track record (and of course he has a great explanation for it all) you may well end up starting over anyway, but with a baby to consider.

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SmillasSenseOfSnow · 03/05/2015 17:35

I have no idea how common this is, so obviously I can't be sure how relevant the advice is, but it happened to me, so here it is:

Don't be so sure that his 'great' relationship with your DS will continue once you have a shared child. My stepfather treated me like utter shit out of the blue once my sibling was born. And my mother was too weak to do much of anything beyond burying her head in the sand and pretending it wasn't happening.

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NutellaOnCrumpets · 03/05/2015 18:02

Smillas - very interesting you should say that as DP was you. He had exactly the same thing happen to him including the mother who seemed to be in denial.
That's another thing that has been on my mind, if a pattern continued despite dp assuring me (of course) it never would.