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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Losing myself

14 replies

Tryingtocoverthegrey · 01/05/2015 21:57

I just need to rant so sorry if this make no sense..
I feel as though I'm having a breakdown I'm a single mum to dts 4
My ex left me two years ago for ow and still to this day it is tearing me apart to see that he get to live the life of Riley while I struggle to keep a roof over our heads infact I'm not struggling I've failed I'm being evicted at the end of May I work part time and have no spare cash to save for a deposit and I truely don't know what I'm going to do.

I have so many money worries that I'm now panicking as I have dcs nursery fees to pay which means I will have less to live on for the next month exdp gives me £50 fortnightly
And that's as far as his help goes he is suppose to have dcs eow but is just refusing to have them as he is going out I have work at the wkend an have nobody to look after them he is basically all the family if you like around me and I have to rely on him but I just hate the way that he can tell me he's not looking after them because he doesn't want to
We have had a major argument with him telling me to take the dcs to his mums then telling me to fuck off he doesn't want anything to do with us because I'm a bitch I've had enough of all the crap I have no one to turn to or speak to an I'm sitting here in tears while is laughing at me.

When he ha the dcs they do not stay at his as he says its to small and there is no room for them so I suggested that he stay here with them and I could go and stay with a friend who lives half an hour away but he's refusing to do it I need help an a break and when I say this to him it's never his problem because he says he doesn't live with them so there's nothing he can do and it's like I'm getting the and being punished for him leaving me where do I go from here.

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Tryingtocoverthegrey · 01/05/2015 22:09

I keep trying to put a brave face on but i don't think I can do it much longer it's hurting I really do need some sort of way to get him to understand the situation but I just come across as a whiny ex when infact I'm far from that

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Rebelheart · 01/05/2015 22:51

It's so hard isn't it? I am in the same position with ex threatening to walk away from the dc, bringing them back early, not having them overnight or in the holidays, saying no to any request to help, not supporting them financially.

You can't make a man want to see or support his children sadly.

Where are your family and friends? Are you sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to? Could you work more hours if you could claim for childcare? If he has offered his mother to help out, could you come up with a regular arrangement there? She is their grandparent after all.

It sounds like you need advice re housing as soon as possible.

Sorry I can't be of more help. I really feel for you.

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Tryingtocoverthegrey · 01/05/2015 23:03

Thank you rebel I want really expecting a reply I just needed to get it all out.

My mum lives over 100 miles away and the rest of my family are all over the place.
Mil does help when she can but she works aswell so it would be quite difficult for her to help out more and him telling me to take them to he was not to give me a break but to let her look after them permanently it's just his way of being horrible to me.

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Cherryapple1 · 01/05/2015 23:20

Also why is he paying so little maintenance? Have you been to the child maintenance calculator to find out how much he should be paying you?

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Tryingtocoverthegrey · 01/05/2015 23:30

I know he's suppose to pay more maintainece he has only just started giving it to me and tbh I really am not up for a fight which is what I know will happen if I went through cms.

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Cherryapple1 · 01/05/2015 23:44

Well not really - they would tell him how much to pay you, and if he didn't they would take it out of his wages. They act on your behalf.

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cleanmyhouse · 02/05/2015 08:23

Take him to CMS. It will cause a fight but it will be his fight not yours. Let them sort it out.

Stop having any contact with him. Ask him for no help, let CMS sort the money.

Are you getting tax credits for child care?

My ex was bloody awful at first. Things got easier for me when i stopped fighting him.

Things also got much easier when they reached school age.

Are there any support groups for single parents in your area?

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Tryingtocoverthegrey · 02/05/2015 22:30

I'm going to wait and see if he gives me next weeks maintence if he doesn't I will contact cms as he's taking the piss out of me.
The only time I speak to him is if there is anything wrong with dcs or its his contact days if he wants to speak to the dcs he has to call me it may sound childish which is what he calls me but I've had enough of chasing him.

I do get tax credits for help with fees it's my rent council tax that is killing me it takes almost all of my salary and I'm basically living off my child tax credits which is what I was
doing before I started work.

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Jackw · 02/05/2015 22:56

You need help and as you are not going to get it from family, you need to look at all the official organisations which are there to help you. Did you mean you have 4 children or one child aged 4? Either way, £50 a fortnight is ridiculous. Definitely go through CMS and don't bother waiting to see whether you get anything this week? Even if you do, there is nothing in place to make sure that you get something next week. That is what CMS is for. He has a legal obligation to support his child/children. That'll stop him laughing.

Do you have a local Citizen's Advice Bureau? If yes, make an appointment. They will be able to advise you about how to manage financially and get all the benefits you are entitled to. If not, try your GP or Health Visitor and ask them for the contact information of support organisations for single parents - there are plenty out there but they won't come to you, you have to reach out to them.

Good luck.

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Tryingtocoverthegrey · 02/05/2015 23:16

Thank you jack.
I have twins aged 4 I know I'm getting everything I'm entitled to and will try the citizens advice

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bunchoffives · 02/05/2015 23:46

I know it's not much comfort at the moment, but one day you will see that it is him that has missed out.

What are your options at the end of the month? Have you spoken to your la housing dept? Told them you will have no where to live? They will have to provide emergency accommodation. Or would it be the perfect time to move back nearer your mum and get some help and support there?

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Rebecca2014 · 03/05/2015 08:43

Oh this is my life. The resentment is huge and is making me a crazy person. I given my ex an ultimatum, he steps up or he won't see our child at all. Taking control from him, sorry people disagree but my mental health more important.

Could you do this? Say you need agree have them for these days. I am surprised you lost your house, are you working too many hours? Or have huge debt to pay?

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Quitelikely · 03/05/2015 09:19

I agree with Rebecca.

Don't let him pick and choose. Give him a reasonable schedule to see the kids. In email or writing. Make it clear if he doesn't turn up that to protect the emotional welfare of your children he can go whistle or take you to court.

Local nursery staff often babysit. Use them on a weekend for a break.

You say your struggling with rent. Councils have a discretionary fund where they can help out with rent on a regular basis if you can show you have a genuine need.

The best way to annoy your ex is to get on with your life and be the best version of you, you can be.

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Tryingtocoverthegrey · 03/05/2015 16:30

I've tried the whole ultimatum thing with him but I end up caving in as the dcs adore him and want to see him and I don't want to come across as the bad guy but I suppose me not being strong enough is doing more harm than good especially to my own mental health.

With regards to my housing I did apply to the discretionary housing fund but was told they have run out of funds for my area and to apply again in a few months.

I only work 16 hours so I know I'm not going over what I'm allowed to do but I honestly feel as though quitting work would be the best course of action.
It's just a lot for one person to take on.