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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH doesn't want foreplay

19 replies

tomatoesarered · 28/04/2015 09:22

He is happy to give it, but would rather have sex than receive foreplay from me. For example, if I try to give him a blow job he pulls me onto him instead. He says he doesn't like all the focus to be on him, but I would like to do more to him as it makes me feel a bit selfish and like I'm a bit crap in bed. He says he likes things like this. I'd love to make him more comfortable with receiving foreplay but don't want to make a big deal about it and turn it into an issue. What do you make of it?

OP posts:

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LagerthaEarlIngstad · 28/04/2015 09:29

Everyone's entitled to say no to anything that they don't want sexually, you should respect what he's telling you.

cailindana · 28/04/2015 09:36

That it's weird that you want to do something to someone when they have clearly told you they don't want it. Not everyone likes oral (I absolutely hate it) and it's up to an individual what they want done to them. So just listen to what he's saying and stop trying to get him to agree to something he doesn't like or want.

baies1 · 28/04/2015 09:41

He doesn't like it - he's told you. Stop forcing him!

tomatoesarered · 28/04/2015 09:42

Thanks for the replies which are extremely useful. I suppose I just assumed that men like oral sex and I want to do something nice for him as I feel a bit bad that dh does all the 'work'.

OP posts:

cailindana · 28/04/2015 09:42

Clearly that's what he likes. It's good that he's able to tell you what he prefers, now you just need to listen to him.

pompodd · 28/04/2015 09:52

Blimey, if this were a man posting saying he'd like to make his DW "more comfortable" with the foreplay that he wants people would, quite rightly, tell him that he needed to respect his DW's boundaries and rights to choose what she does and doesn't want.

For goodness' sake, he's told you what he wants and likes - listen to him!

baies1 · 28/04/2015 09:58

And that's exactly what people have said Pom

Ludways · 28/04/2015 09:58

Foreplay isn't just blow jobs though, ask him what he'd prefer, if anything or even a pre sex massage.

cailindana · 28/04/2015 10:01

pom have you read the thread? That's exactly what every poster has said!

grumbleina · 28/04/2015 10:40

Could also be that he knows that if you go too far down the foreplay route he'll... er... miss the action, if you get my drift.

sebsmummy1 · 28/04/2015 10:53

I'm not sure it's as clear cut as someone likes this it doesn't like this.

DP informed me early on in our relationship that he didn't like BJs. I had been performing them using the same technique my ex liked and didn't think it might be the way I was doing it so I just stopped giving them. One day we were really horny and doing all sorts of stuff and I must have gone down on him and sudden he was very enthusiastic. When we talked about it later he admitted he didn't like his exes technique and she didn't like doing it so they stopped and when I had tried I was too 'death grip'. Now I know what he likes we do it occasionally and he enjoys them, so I would advise talking about it when both of you are relaxed and see if he'll give a little more info about whether he dislikes them full stop or likes them in a certain way.

TheListingAttic · 28/04/2015 11:42

My DH is like this. And OP, I sympathise - it feels like you're not doing enough, or not doing it right or something. But to be honest, if you're keeping the dialogue open, and you're both comfortable talking about what you do and don't like, and honest, then you can take him at his word. This is what he prefers. Enjoy! We've been together a long while, and these days I just feel pretty lucky that he genuinely prefers doing more of the hard work!

pocketsaviour · 28/04/2015 11:47

he doesn't like all the focus to be on him

If it's this and not just that he dislikes blowjobs, you could try sitting on his face while you blow him?

You could also ask him if he was just trying to spare your feelings and if he'd like a different "style" then please say so.

But ultimately he may just enjoy PIV to the exclusion of all else, and as long as he's seeing to your needs then I would just lay back and enjoy it

Miggsie · 28/04/2015 11:50

DH hates oral sex, just hates it. Doesn't affect any other part of our sex lives. Not all men like it despite what the media constantly tells us.

DH prefers me to dress up, that's what gets him in the mood.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/04/2015 11:58

Men want sex all the time. Men all watch porn. Men all want anal. Men all want blow jobs. Men all love big tits/big arses. Men hate hair down there. etc.

I think these are strong messages that we are bombarded with, that often have no resemblance to the men in our lives. Listen to what your partner says and not what you think he 'Should' be saying.

(I know that can be awkward sometimes)

Familyguy222 · 28/04/2015 12:28

Unconventionally as a man I have the same problem.

When we talk about it she says that we are such a good fit that she prefers sex to foreplay, where as I prefer more of a build up. She tends to orgasm well through penetrative sex but as someone who has always felt themselves to be a generous lover I find this is not really ideal for me as like you it leaves me feeling selfish.

Have you tried asking your partner if he has any fantasies/fetishes? This may be a good inroad to trying something new that he is comfortable with.

Also although this may be a none starter you could try the board game monogamy with a bottle of wine as this encourages lots of play.

loveareadingthanks · 28/04/2015 17:27

SO...he doesn't like BJs. Not all men do. I had a bf once who didn't.

But isn't most foreplay mutual anyway, not just one of you laying there while the other fiddles about? Presumably he enjoys it when you are both kissing and touching each other, so it's not really a foreplay ban, it's a BJ ban.

Golferman · 28/04/2015 18:40

I think that all men like BJs is a myth, I hate them as my knob is so sensitive when I come. I love giving oral though.

newbieman1978 · 28/04/2015 20:58

Another one not that bothered with a blow job! Probably received a hand full of really enjoyable ones in all my time. My wife isn't keen on giving them either so we suit each other on that score.

As for foreplay I kinda feel that me giving my wife oral and getting her hot and bothered! is kinda my foreplay if that makes sense. By the time she is ready for me in most often ready for her so for us it works

Basically you do what works for you and him. Simples!

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