Will this ever get better or am I kidding myself?

[CaptainZoot]

Hello,

My DH and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5. We have a beautiful 18 month old DS. I am a SAHM and gave up my career to raise DS, we also recently bought a house in a new area so we have little support from family and don't really know anyone. Life is hard.

DH works full time, long hours. He is also an alcoholic. When we first met we both enjoyed a party lifestyle but I no longer drink (babies + hangovers don't mix). Ever since finding out I was pregnant he started drinking heavily and alone. He'd drink every night and be permanently hungover. We had several HUGE rows about this and several times I gave him an ultimatum but never followed through (stupid!)

A few days ago the drinking came to a head. He stayed up all night drinking and was wasted when I got up at 5.30 - he had to got to work and was slurring his words. I discovered that he'd driven drunk to the shop to get more alcohol. He'd also been verbally abusive to my family members via text. I hit the fucking roof.

My family were urging me to leave him. Long story short I wrote him a letter saying it was the alcohol or us (I bloody mean it this time). Now he's attending AA, taking an antidepressant and has been sober for about a week.

I'm pleased that he is making an effort but I'm not sure that it is enough for me. I feel like our relationship is failing. Our sex life is crap non-existent, in the evenings we avoid each other and go to bed at separate times. We frequently argue and bicker. It's miserable. I feel like I'm wasting my life. He sucks all the joy and passion out of me.

I know I need to be supportive but I feel like his bloody mother. I don't get anything from this relationship and I feel like he hates my guts. He's always saying I'm horrible and I can't stop nagging him.

I feel trapped in this house. I don't earn any money, money is tight and although I have access to money his earnings go into his account, we don't have a joint account. The mortgage is in his name. Essentially I have nothing and this puts me in a very difficult position.

I'm at a crossroads and I don't know what to do. Has anyone ever been in my situation and found it got better over time? There's got to be more to life than this....

Thank you for reading this far.

[Hoppinggreen]

IF you do want to leave and it sounds like you do then start making a plan.
If you have access to money then start putting it put of his reach somewhere As you are married assets are joint so you can do this.dnt worry about the mortgage being in his name only, again it's a marital asset so you have as much right to it as him - possibly more as you have a child.
Keep any evidence of his alcoholism in case he goes for custody of your child.
It all sounds cold but you need to go on survival mode now for you and your child. It seems he is functional and holding down a job now but it might not continue like that, especially if he is caught drink driving.
He is going under and the question is do you want to go with him?

[faitaccompli]

You poor thing. I was with an alcoholic. He had already been sober through AA for 3 years. Then had gradually gone back to drinking again. By the time I met him, he was drinking around 1.5-2 bottles of wine each night and had gone from a jovial drunk to an abusive one. That was the real him.

I gave him an ultimatum and he stopped drinking in April last year. He drank the odd shandy about once a month, but apart from that drank no alcohol at all. Absolutely nothing. And became, if anything, even more unpleasant.

I asked him to leave 2 weeks ago today (still sober). I miss him, but not the mood swings, the unpredictable nature of his day to day interaction with me and my family.

This is a sweeping statement, and I am sure there are many alcoholics on here who will not agree with me, but I feel that many alcoholics drink because they have other issues - and these issues are why they are unpleasant people. My ex certainly said he hated himself, and did not know why he was horrible to people he loved.

So, my view is that it is not likely to get better - you have a young child with this man, and if you are unhappy, do you want this child to see how bad the dynamics are in your relationship and grow up thinking this is normal? Perhaps some time apart will make him realise he needs to grow up.

Your relationship sounds like mine was when he was "down".

I only have my failure to go by - there will be more knowledgeable people who will give you the benefit of their experiences.

I hope that things improve for you, whatever decision you make.

[CaptainZoot]

Thanks for your replies. My mother told me I need to start planning an exit route. I have some money in a savings account, I'll add to it as and when I can.

I don't know if it's the antidepressant taking time to kick in but he's MISERABLE. He's miserable when he drinks. He's miserable when he doesn't drink. He's been signed off work with stress because he threw a wobbly and stormed out. I had to phone his line manager and try to smooth things over, I'm not sure how much longer he will have a job if he doesn't buck his ideas up. Fuckity, fuck. How did I end up in this stupid situation. He's a manchild.

Faitaccompli - Yes, he's got a lot of personal issues and alcohol has caused him a lot of problems over the years. We've had some good times, yes but if I'm honest he's been trouble from the start and I hoped he would mellow with age.

I've thought about putting a timeline on our relationship, say if it isn't better in 6 months I'll have to move on. It breaks my heart because I feel like I'm giving up on him. He is a nice person and caring, he's a good father but I'm not sure that's enough. My biggest fear is he'll let his guard down and start drinking again in secret.

I caught him reminiscing over old photos of us drinking yesterday. His AA guide book says he shouldn't do that.

He's gone back to bed to sulk.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

I would contact Al-anon for your own self; you need outside support too and they are very helpful with regards to family members of problem drinkers.

I would also be planning your exit from this and seek legal advice asap re the finances and house. This is no life at all for you and by turn your child to be seeing; you really do not want to leave this as a legacy to him.
Don't wait another six months to see if things improve because they likely will not and its just another six months of you and your son suffering at his hands.

Alcohol acts as a depressant and he has likely self medicated with alcohol for many years and prior to him meeting you as well. Being sober for a week is no time at all in the great scheme of things.

I would read up on co-dependency and co-dependent behaviour and see how much of that fits in with what you have done and are doing now with regards to your H. I write that as well as co-dependency often features within relationships where alcoholism is present.

He is NOT a good father to his child because he is an alcoholic. A functioning one but one who could too easily lose his job in the near future due to his alcoholism. He's also been trouble from the very early days but you likely did not walk away then, why?. Probably because you felt and perhaps still feel in some ways responsible for him.

How many times have you yourself made excuses and or covered for him?.
Enabling him does not help him or you for that matter; it just gives you a false sense of control.

You are not giving up on him if you walk away. You are saving your own self and child instead. You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be saved and you are the last person who can help him.

[CaptainZoot]

Hi Attila - Yes you are absolutely right. I have codependency issues. I feel hugely responsible for him and his behaviour I always have. I have made excuses for him so many times.

When we first met he was a nightmare, we briefly split I don't know why I took him back. I'm weak and I thought I could fix him. At the time I was partying a lot so I didn't really see the problem for what it was.

Nobody has ever really told him 'No' - he always seems to land on his feet. I can't work out if he has me wrapped around his little finger or whether he's just a bit of a hopeless case clinging onto the last lifeboat that will have him.

[tribpot]

It's far, far too early to tell if this is a serious effort on his part to turn his life around and become sober (which doesn't include drinking shandy, btw!) or a momentary effort to get you not to leave.

From his perspective, if he is feeling as shit as I did a week after I gave up alcohol, I would say now isn't the time to tackle some of the other issues in your marriage which perhaps were masked by the drinking til now. The lack of a joint account, your name not on the mortgage/deeds - these are not good signs. He needs to be focusing on his sobriety - going to meetings, seeing his GP, taking supplements to try and improve his nutrition, etc. Is he doing these things?

I would agree that you need to access support from Al-Anon. You are clearly enabling his behaviour - why did you phone his line manager to smooth things over? Doesn't his line manager know he's newly sober? I assume you're aware that disclosing the problem to those around you is an important part in achieving sobriety. Has he phoned those family members he abused to apologise?

You are entitled to decide that this has gone past the point of saving. You have put yourself in a very vulnerable position - in a new area with no income and an extremely unreliable DH. It is therefore only reasonable for you to start taking steps to improve that. Do you need to stay in the area? Could you start working part-time?

The book that really helped me in the early days was this one. There is a companion book for loved ones which I would imagine is similar in terms of providing non-judgemental but no-nonsense advice. It will reiterate the advice you've had above: you cannot fix him. You're aware that you've got into this situation partly by refusing to see him for what he is, but hoping for what he could be. The truth is, this is what he is.

[CaptainZoot]

Hi Tribpot - Thanks for the book suggestions I will have a read. Agree that I've put myself in a vulnerable position, my mother is really worried about it.

I'm not sure why I rang his manager, I guess it was sheer panic at the thought that his behaviour would cost him his job and that we would lose the house and our only source of income. I thought it would help. His boss doesn't know he's an alcoholic, he has blamed 'personal reasons' and 'stress' for his behaviour.

His family and my family are aware of the situation. My family think he's an arse and I should get the hell out of dodge. His family are urging me to try and make things work but they are disappointed in him. He wasn't happy that I told everyone but I made a point of refusing to keep it a secret anymore.

I'll give al-anon a ring when he goes back to work next week. I feel really uncomfortable talking about his drinking to other people whilst he's in the house, I feel like he's snooping and it causes a nasty atmosphere.

I just feel like I have no support. It's all about him and I have to pick up the pieces again.

[tribpot]

Interesting, so you told everyone? That should have been his job. I'm not saying you should have kept his secret, but the fact he wasn't willing to disclose it is another bad sign.

You are deeply enmeshed in this. You really do need to let him see into the abyss - if he loses his job, he loses his job. You can't keep it for him. You can't police his drinking.

I would contact Al Anon and find a meeting. You don't need to wait until he's gone back to work. The conversations with Al Anon are about you, not him. It's very important for you to shift the focus back to yourself.

His family have no business urging you to make things work. You aren't an alcoholic.

[CaptainZoot]

No God, you are absolutely right. Why did I do that? He should have bloody well done it. I am knee deep in it, a complete control freak who thinks she can change the situation by being 'assertive'. I grew up in a very dysfunctional household with a Narcissist mother and the world's most enabling Dad. I learned from the very best.

Yes I will call al-anon. I will do it before he goes back to work.

[hampsterdam]

I have been in your situation. Party lifestyle all fun and games until I got pregnant and of course my life changed and his didn't in fact like yours my partner got worse and was drinking more and more. I stood it until my ds was 6 months old. I had all the same feelings as you including guilt for giving up on him. It's hard. You want what's best for your baby and that means a family together but in the end what was best was to be safe with a happy mum.
My ds is 6 now, he is a beautiful bright boy doing well at school, sees hos dad at weekends and has a good relationship with both of us. Ex is on an even keel at the moment although it had been up and down over the years.
Give an ultimatum and stick to it, never knowing what will walk through the door is soul destroying and your baby needs you happy and strong. Speak to Al anon or whoever for yourself.

[pocketsaviour]

It's good that you recognise why you've been drawn into this relationship. When things are on a more even keel, would you consider counselling for yourself to help break that pattern of always trying to fix people/things?

With regards to your DH, do you think he genuinely accepts that he needs to stop drinking for himself, or do you think he's still in denial?

[CaptainZoot]

I think he knows it's gone too far problem is he's had trouble giving up before so I don't know how long he will stay motivated for.

I tried counselling once and I found it uncomfortable and awkward. I find it hard opening up about myself.

[Cabrinha]

You're only 6 months longer away from your career than a totally common 12 months maternity leave.
Can you get your old job back?

[loveareadingthanks]

'I know I need to be supportive'

No, you don't. It sounds as if you no longer want to be in this marriage, he's not a good husband, he is horrible to you drunk or sober, he is miserable drunk or sober. And you know that sadly he is likely to fail in his attempt to give up drinking.

You don't owe him anything. You are protected financially by being married, that's the one good thing, when it comes to the house.

Alcoholics are usually incapable of being in relationships without destroying everything and everyone. That includes you and your children.

Even if he was stone cold sober for a year, do you think you really want to wait that long to find out if you still want to be with him? I think your family is right. Alcohol will always be more important to him than anything. He's abusive to you, he drink drives, he's on the cusp of losing his job because of it. Don't let him drag you and the children down with him.

You don't even like him any more, do you? So why are you staying with him?

[tribpot]

Indeed - and propping up an alcoholic is not the same as being supportive. It's the opposite. He has to fix this himself.

[RobotHamster]

This all sounds horribly horribly familiar, I've been stuck in a similar position for a few years now. Feel like I can't leave due to financial reasons, but it feels like it's finally got to the point where I can detach.

It won't get better.. Planning an exit strategy and saving as much as possible, plus possibly seeing a solicitor might be helpful.

Best of luck xxx

[RobotHamster]

And listen to Attila. Knows her stuff.