I'm coming up to 6 months pregnant with twins and what I thought was my husband's distant and irritable behaviour due to initial fears about a) becoming a dad unplanned and b) finding out I'm expecting twins doesn't seem to be getting any better, in fact it's getting worse and worse as time goes on and I genuinely worry we won't be able to make it through their first year.
After continuous weekly rows that can't seem to be resolved about how I feel lonely and unsupported and his using work as an excuse to come home really late, his reluctance to talk about anything pregnancy related and what seems like mourning for his perceived loss of his independence, I can't take any more. He is so full of resentment towards me but can't explain why and freely admits this to me and admits to not being the man he hoped he would be when i got pregnant.
I've done some googling and I'm pretty convinced he might be suffering from pre-natal depression as he has a history of depression, although has had no episodes since we've been together (4 years). He's already on anti-depressants so I'm really stuck as to what I can do to try and help the situation to improve.
I've tried being extra considerate and going out of my way to try and make things about him, tried not going on about the babies all the time, tried my best to do things just us to as close to pre-pregnancy as i can manage (i'm the size of a house already so finding it hard to get out and about), tried calmly explaining how i need his support etc. but every weekend when we actually have some time together it all goes back to this horrible cycle of the smallest thing starting a huge row and him being angry and defensive and paranoid if i dare to question him, ask for support or pick him up on his behaviour, and me feeling resentful/anxious/alone/scared.
We have different temperaments (I'm very hotheaded) and we do have a history of having huge bust ups every 6 months or so as we seem to not be able to communicate without things getting out of hand, but I've really been doing my best to keep a lid on it for the sake of trying to get on, but I'm finding it hard not to shout and scream when we do argue as I feel so angry at how he's not taking care of me and i'm having to take care of him and put him first when i think this is the one time in my life i'd be justified in thinking it should be the other way round.
I feel pretty much like he's abandoned me for 6 months and whilst i try not to drag this into the arguments, once one starts and i get frustrated he gets both barrels. He will be irritable and pick away at me or shout at me, but when i get slightly annoyed back i'm the bad guy and he delights in trying to reduce everything down to apportioning blame.
Things are currently so bad that I can't even stub my toe and swear without him then asking if i'm angry with him and then behaving like i'm about to have a go at him: he's in this p;lace where he thinks i'm so unreasonable he is constantly primed for me to have a go at him and starts acting like that's happening so engineers that very situation!
When it suits him he 's victim of me pressurising him and what he perceives as me picking on him (when i think all i'm doing is communicating what i need from him, hen getting cross when i don't get anything back), to then being really angry, remote and irritable and needing to defend his right to be selfish before he has to be responsible for two children.
I'm at my wits end as he is ordinarily a wonderful kind man who can't do enough for people and I love him with all my heart despite this rant.
I know he will be a great dad when they arrive, I just don't understand why he's not able to support me before they do or why he seems to hate me so much. He seems to have undergone a total personality transplant. i'm very aware of how I may be impacting on this so need some ideas to try and change my own behaviour too. Please help!
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LONG- husband so angry and remote-6 months pg with twins and i can't cope
twingeeksSE8 · 26/04/2015 15:21
Do you have other support nearby?
He is shaping up to be an absolutely appalling Dad: he is being one already. You're seeing the mettle of this man now that the chips are coming down: whiny, selfish, cowardly. As another poster said, the first thing a good Dad does is look after his pregnant wife and thus the babies inside her.
My DH is a very good Dad, and that selflessness, patience, generosity, sense of humour and reasoned outlook were the same things that made him a brilliant rock when I needed great support in pregnancy.
I really cannot imagine a man without those qualities, who is a whiny nasty twat when required to step up in pregnancy will suddenly morph into the mature adult he cannot be now, when presented with an even bigger challenge. Unless, of course, you mean that he'll be pleased to have babies and deign to 'babysit' them occasionally, while you get your first shower of the week? 
Sit him down and tell him you've had enough. The stepping up is required now. The chips are already down. And he's shown himself to be a nasty, self-indulgent failure. Either he grows up right now, talks about exactly what the problem is and whether he really thinks the way he is is ok, or he leaves. Tomorrow.
Either the shock of that will start a sea-change in his behaviour, or if it doesn't, you need to start planning. Because he will not suddenly become a good Dad when you give birth. A good Dad is by definition an excellent, supportive, understanding partner.
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