Please help - is he EA?

[Alison100199]

I've been with DP for nearly 20 years and in all that time I guess you could describe him as 'volatile'. He's never been verbally or physically abusive but our relationship has deteriorated in the last few years - we were discussing whether to separate but we have stopped talking about it and are just cracking on with our lives really. His personality type is really up and down - the sort of person who takes offense easily and can be really rude to someone but then can also be charming and the life and soul of the party.

The good stuff is that we get on really well, love the same things and have a great time together. We laugh together a lot and have fun. He is also very generous in many ways financially (but I am not sure if this is also controlling). However, the slightest thing will put him in a bad mood and I don't know what to do. When we have a disagreement has accused me in the past of 'not listening' when he says he wants to be left alone and I want to talk things through. He then is coldly polite for days on end while he 'gets over it'. The things we disagree about are really minor - they are never arguments triggered by anything important but always by me saying some that is misinterpreted. E.g. earlier today I made a joke about some washing (he is very OCD about this) and he did a big dramatic sign and went quiet. When I asked him if he was OK as he was quiet he said he was fine but he obviously wasn't.

He often accuses me of not listening to me when he says that he has told me something before. I genuinely think he hasn't but he is always convinced that he has told me things and that I wasn't listening to him. He is the only person that makes me feel confused and unsure about things - I am a very confident person. Plus for the last few years we have not had sex. He has had various medical problems but he blames the deterioration in our relationship. But it feels to me as though he uses the withdrawal of affection as a weapon.

There is loads more but I don't want to bore everyone. Suffice to say he is at his mum's again tonight (she is elderly and needs care) and I am sitting here in tears because he left me feeling like I'd done something wrong and I don't know what.

[woowoo22]

Yes. Very much so.

[somewhatavoidant]

I'm not sure if it's EA or not but it sounds really tough. Are there boundaries at all? You have a right to respect. And peace of mind. If he's not showing you respect, you're in big trouble. Set him boundaries and if he can't respect them, well . .
Trust your instinct OP, you're worth more

[AmyElliotDunne]

It's difficult to say whether he is EA based on what you've shared, for example the washing joke - was it a veiled piss take of him, which would explain why he was annoyed?

The potential gas lighting, only he and you can really know for sure whether he told you something. I'd say if you're not usually forgetful then it's likely that he hasn't told you, but it could be that he told someone else, or thought about it while talking to you but forgot to actually verbalise it and he's confused rather than deliberately trying to confuse you? Just trying to see both sides.

Regardless of any labels this doesn't sound like a happy relationship for you if you're constantly worrying that your jokes will prompt several days of the silent treatment. Yes, the happy times are good, but at the expense of your peace and self esteem, that's not on.

The sex thing, again without more info it's difficult to say, are you waiting for him to make moves or do you instigate and get rejected?

[Alison100199]

Thanks for replying. I've NC for this and I was worried when nobody replied for a while! The washing joke involved him doing a jokey criticism for something that I had 'done wrong' on the lines of 'it's OK, I'll do it, you'll only mess it up' and I'd laughed and said 'I'll try harder next time', thinking it was lighthearted. I actually think he is very messed up and insecure but it is getting worse. It does feel like he loves me, but doesn't fancy me, but then thinks it's OK to do subtle digs that assert his superiority. We've never been good at boundaries or communication but have managed to muddle along for a long time while loving each other very much.

We had counselling last year and it was interesting in that I felt really put upon, like I was the one with the problem and I was triggering his reactions. I read an article in the post at the top of Relationships and when it said about abusers and counselling it summed up what happened to us. He was charming and concerned and the counselor made out that I was the one who triggered a negative response by 'winding him up' and I needed to learn to 'self soothe'. It's hard to articulate it here but I am a really calm, sweet person, who doesn't joke or say things that trigger a reaction in anyone but him. My clients love me and I have lots of friends who I've known for years, plus find it easy to make new friends.

The sex thing is weird. We had loads of sex when we first met, then he got ill and it tailed off and it never got back on track. I initiated stuff the last few times and he (sorry if TMI) either went soft or pretended to want to sleep (it was 7pm). He says he thinks he still fancies me but that it is caught up in what is going on in our relationship. It's hard because for my early 40s, I look pretty good - size 8, look 10 years younger (so I'm told), always been considered attractive, plus a kind person, again so I'm told - so to be physically rejected is hard. I don't want to drip feed but he's said there is no-one else but I'm not sure. I am sure some of the ancient condoms he had in his drawer have gone and he does visit his elderly mother a lot. But I have to trust him if he says there is no-one else.

[Only1scoop]

Sounds like that counselling wasn't really working. Do you ever feel as if you're walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him into one of his quiet moods?

[Alison100199]

Yes - I definitely feel like I am walking on eggshells. If he is in a mood then I have to be very careful that I don't set him off again by saying the wrong thing. I try to be normal and friendly and hope he gets over it. I'm always slightly cautious in what I say to him - have to pick my moment etc. I should have set down the boundaries much earlier in our relationship and called him up on his diva behaviour so I guess I only have myself to blame.

[griselda101]

look up passive aggressive behaviour; I thought I knew what this was but when I really looked into it in terms of relationships (via lots of Google, reading blogs etc) it explained everything about my ex who did a lot of the things you are describing. It was hellish.

you never know quite what the issue is and can't put your finger on it but always are left feeling like the one at fault or being blamed. My ex did the withholding sex thing as well which I think was part of it.

Refusing to discuss stuff with you is a control issue and part of the passive aggressive abuse.

Also these people are often great at veiling it so you can't put your finger on it and they never look like the bad guy. They are master manipulators.

I'm not saying this guy is definitely this as it's hard to say from an internet post, but it sounds like it from everything you have said - do take a look via Google and if bells start ringing then you will know. It's a really difficult one as they will generally refuse to address the issues; for me the only answer was a break up and god did I feel better after.

Best of luck

[ovumahead]

This sounds like a miserable relationship for the both of you. Maybe masked by getting on well at a surface level, but something is very wrong deep down. If this isn't what you want, do you think it can be rescued? It sounds as though things have been dysfunctional for a long time. Why are you still with him? Do you really honestly truly love each other?

[ovumahead]

Also I'm not sure if he's being emotionally abusive, although how he's treating you is not right at all. I do wonder why you've glossed over your suspicions of him cheating? This makes me wonder if being single is terrifying for you. He does sound emotionally unstable, has he had any kind of professional help?

[griselda101]

another thing is the blow ups over the small things are often a passive aggressive way of getting back at you for something you did earlier that annoyed them that they didn't feel like they could address directly with you at the time, so they take it out on you by getting ridiculous over something silly.

If I used to press my ex on stuff of importance he would wash over it and avoid discussing at the time then blow up at me later over something tiny and I was left wondering what the hell was wrong and why had something so small like this set him off.

I heard it's often because in childhood PA people were not given a safe space to vent their emotions so got used to using covert ways of expressing them e.g. at other times, by being late, by silent treatment, gaslighting, sometimes breaking property covertly etc.

[Cherryapple1]

I would think he is cheating. And I was just about to suggest gaslighting too. But even if he weren't abusive - why stay? You sound bloody miserable. You deserve much better than this surely?

[TooMuchJD]

Your situation sounds similar to mine. Can't really give any advice etc. but wanted you to know that you are not alone and it is very frustrating as there are no "real" problems just everyday low level crapness.

& for you.

[Alison100199]

Thanks for your replies. I usually hang out at AIBU so am really grateful for the lovely, thoughtful comments. You all have it spot on really - a very grey area and if not EA then probably emotionally manipulative and spot on about the boundaries not being clear. In many ways I've allowed him to get away with some really horrible things so it has become normal, such as a slightly offensive nickname that is derogatory but he sees it as a sweet thing between us.

Yes TooMuchJD, it is definitely low level crapness and being subtly undermined. And thanks for letting me know I'm not alone. I might come back to this board now I know how lovely it is. I don't want to constantly moan about things but this year, things will change and at some point one of us will have to decide to end the relationship. I stay, not because I'm afraid of being alone (I love being alone and have so many friends etc) but because I can't face the break up, negotiating a financial settlement, moving etc. A bit of a coward really! At least we don't have DCs to complicate things.

Thanks for the wine and flowers :).

[AlternativeTentacles]

You may as well do it sooner rather than later. Always best to get these things done and dusted whilst there is still a summer to enjoy being single. Whereas waiting until the end of the year you just get a winter of negotiation and moving in the snow wind or rain. More chance of selling any house whilst the weather is good too.

Do yourself a favour and make the break whilst he is at mummy's thinking up new ways to undermine and gaslight you.

[Cherryapple1]

I think you need to stop blaming yourself - it isn't up to you to lay out boundaries to stop somebody else's awful behaviour.

[Jackieharris]

I don't think it really matters here if how things are is defined as ea or not.

It's not a happy relationship.

The no sex thing would be enough for some dps to cut their losses just at that.

I'd try to get away from trying to define his behaviour and focus on 'do you want to stay with him for the rest of your life?'

[nicenewdusters]

I agree with Jackieharris, it doesn't really matter if you can define this as ea or not. It sounds like very hard work, and you've used so many words that don't sit well in a healthy relationship.

If you're walking on eggshells, second guessing his moods, filtering your conversation, working out the best time to say things, you're heading down a very dangerous road.

You should get to determine how you feel, not be constantly blowing in the wind depending upon how he feels that day/whether you've made an inappropriate joke or comment etc.

If it's all about him then it's not an equal, loving relationship. Obviously it's not all about you either - which you know - but if you're not even nearly meeting in the middle then things are badly wrong.

Nearly 20 years together is a very long time, but how much longer will the next 20 seem if you feel like this now?

[tallwivglasses]

Imagine the future when maybe one of you gets I'll and the other has to be more supportive...if you become the 'carer' will you ever get things right? If it's him, will he be patient and sympathetic? Somehow I doubt it. And whatever you decide, tell him he can knock that nasty nickname on the head right now this minute or you'll start calling him 'Floppydick'

[Alison100199]

Thanks Tallwivglasses - the nickname proposed for him made me smile. He was actually very ill a few years ago and I was the carer. It was hard but he was much better then as he was grateful I was there to look after him. Though if I am ever ill he is OK for a bit then gets a bit pissed off and just leaves me to it.
Thanks for the support. I know it is ghastly and I think I need some legal advice about where I stand, which is very hard when you are not married and have no DCs. Sometimes you need other people to spell out that it isn't right to have your mood dependent on someone else's. I've felt shit since yesterday and am actually nervous about phoning him to see how things are going, which is frankly a ridiculous way to feel. It is very very hard though not to blame myself and think if only I behaved differently or had called him up on things years ago, they would not have become 'normal' for us.

[nicenewdusters]

Don't blame yourself about not having done things differently in the past. You would only have been doing what you thought was for the best at the time, or what you were able to do in that moment. Remember the same could be said for him, the choices he made, the issues he did or didn't raise with you.

It's good that you see your "normal" is far from that, some people never get to that point.

There's lots of joking on threads about men being a bit rubbish when their partners are ill. I think in the context of all you've said so far however yours is yet another example of him dismissing your feelings, and turning the spotlight onto him as the put upon carer.