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A little bit miffed by friend's comment(22 Posts)
I met my friend just over a year ago. We meet somewhat frequently with our children who are the same age (probably about once a month). We often text and chat on the phone throughout the week etc.
I have been super busy with work the last week and also a close family member suddenly and unexpectedly died 2 days ago. I have still managed to text my friend and when my replies have been a bit late (i.e. a day max) I have always apologised. Until I got her text today, it was her 'turn' to respond to a message I sent her if that makes sense.
Anyway, I got a message from her today saying that she thinks I must be annoyed with her because I have not been answering her messages and that she wished I would have just told her what the problem was rather than 'ignoring' her. I was like 'whoah' when I saw it. I felt the tone was quite harsh. I checked my phone history to see if I had in fact forgotten to reply to her messages and actually I had replied to all of them. Also, it was actually her who had not replied to several of my messages. I am the kind of person who will just assume someone is busy if I don't get a message for a bit. I met up with another friend today and showed her the thread of messages and she said that it did seem abit over the top and weird that my other friend has done this.
I just feel like this friend has gone a bit weird on me and this comes across as being a bit needy etc. I texted her back saying that I have not been annoyed with her etc and suggested that possibly there was something wrong with our phones if she has been sending messages that I have not replied to because as far as I can see I have responded to all her messages and it seems like it was the other way round (not that I am remotely bothered about her not getting back to me immediately- I just thought she must be busy).
If it was me, that I felt a friend had gone a bit quiet my first thought would have been 'is my friend ok' and said something like 'I've noticed you have been a bit quiet, are you ok?' rather than jump down someones throat about ignoring me. For example she does not know that I have been extremely busy with work (literally having to stay up until 3am some nights this last week to get work finished in time) AND my recent bereavement. She just comes across as being quite self absorbed and paranoid. I just feel a bit disappointed because otherwise she is good company etc.
I'm sorry this is so long and potentially a bit petty but just wanted to see what other people think and how to handle.
Does she know about the bereavement? If not I would send a brief reply telling her.
I don't think you have done anything wrong. Maybe she is more of a full on person than you are. If things are otherwise good I would give her the benefit of the doubt,but if she starts acting weird then because you haven't known her long then I would cool the relationship as I wouldn't want the stress.
It's all about her. There are a lot of these people about and you've probably just had the first dose of this. I would truthfully give her a quick reply along the lines of 'as you know I've just been bereaved and a bit out of sorts, but think I did reply to you'. Then I'd let things cool down between you and if you keep her as a friend just be slightly wary that she's likely to do this again.
Hope you are ok.
Sorry for your loss
She sounds too needy and is possibly showing her true colours in the control stakes. I'm the same as you, my first thought would be hoping everything was ok, followed by offering support if needed then take a step back until you were ready. I'd handle it by a plain text reiterating the bereavement, disappointment at her tone and you'll be in touch when you're in a better frame of mind.
I'm just surprised that you have not told her in your texts that you have been so busy and up until 3am, nor have you told her about the bereavement.
She would be in the picture then. But I'm not suggesting you're wrong to be miffed, because she has been too abrupt and sounds self absorbed.
i felt the tone was quite harsh
Now, I'm not saying you're not telling the truth, or whatever, but sometimes texts that are straight to the point or have potentially challenging content can seem harsh when they're not, or not sent with that intention.
Anyway, I think texts can be soooo easily misinterpreted.
I have a friend who gets very unsettled when her texts aren't answered - in which case she needs to say that ie own it. Bad move to jump to conclusions - but could be poor style, poor management of feelings on your friend's part; not necessarily controlling/all about her.
Wow, that's needy. If people don't reply I assume they're busy.
I would firmly tell her you've been busy and have had a bereavement, and that it's a shame she felt the need to take it personally.
Do not fall into the trap of reassuring her. That just becomes a self perpetuating cycle.
I also think text messages can be easily misinterpreted. Your friend is insecure, possibly feeling unsure how important she is to you?
I would reply something along the lines of 'I'm here, working silly hours. Family member has died, let's speak soon x'
I'm not sure I could be bothered with someone like this, especially after only knowing them a year...
I can imagine myself sending the friend's text. I have huge self-esteem issues sometimes which warp things in my head. If I think someone is ignoring me then I twist things in my mind to reinforce that rather than just seeing things at face value. It may be that she is having a low moment which has coincided with your difficult time.
If you are busy with other things you may feel you don't have time for a needy friend, but as others have said, a reassuring quick phone call may be enough to sort things out (texts are easy to misinterpret from both ends).
I'm not sure it's helpful to reply defensively by text. A brief 'oh I'm sorry I've seemed distracted, relative died and everything's gone up in the air. Coffee soon?' text, would have assured your friend and made her realise she was wrong about your responses.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I would also think it is her issue and she is needy. However, just to sense-check this - are you otherwise demanding of her time?
I was in contact with someone who was hugely demanding of my time and attention when they felt they needed it, but who would then be very poor at communicating at other times, which can be a very frustrating situation.
Assuming you are otherwise nice to her though, I wouldn't pander to it.
Give her a chance. If she pulls this again then distance yoruself.
But let it go once.
I'm quite needy like this - if I text people and they don't reply I feel like they're annoyed with me or I've upset them or they don't care about our friendship etc. I build a whole thing in my head.
The difference is that I would never EVER send a text like that to someone because I know that this is MY issue, and my low self esteem, and I don't try to make it about other people even if I sometimes feel a bit upset. Nobody owes anyone texts.
I think I'd reply: 'Did reply to all your messages - not annoyed. Busy and bereaved. Catch up soon. x'
She replied to my last text just saying that she had answered my texts so yes perhaps it something wrong with the phones. I haven't heard from her since. The whole situation has left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth tbh. I feel the ball is in her court really to come back to me, I don't feel like I particularly want to engage with her at the moment. Its pissed me off quite a bit, it just seems so childish. I'm not sure it would be a good thing to raise it with her further. I've been stewing a bit about it the last few days, thinking of other times she has annoyed me. She is good company and I do like her but she does come across as being a bit self absorbed sometimes.
Also I suppose the reason I hadn't at that point told her about how busy I was and also the bereavement was because I guess she is not one of my 'first point of call' friends in those types of situations. I have other, closer friends who I turn to for that kind of support. I like her, but she is not my best friend if that makes sense. When we chat on the phone it is usually stuff about the children and work and what we've been up to, that sort of thing. So that's why I'm also I feel a bit funny about her text because its like she thinks our friendship is more than what it is perhaps. In her first message she asked me if I was 'ignoring' her because I had sent her a message a while ago asking how she was and if she fancied a chat on the phone in the evening (which we do now and again) which she never responded to. I wasn't remotely bothered about her not replying back, just assumed she was busy etc (she didn't even reply to say 'no sorry am busy this evening' or whatever and didn't get back to me until a few days later so I don't know what she is going on about when she says that I am the one not getting back to her). I didn't really like the implication that she thinks that I am so petty that I would sulk and ignore her for not chatting on the phone! I am just not that sort of person AT ALL! I sort of feel like I'm not sure whether I want to bother with her at all tbh.
I can see things from your friend's position, not that I am saying she is right. I used to be very needy (still am a bit I suppose) and would assume that if someone did not reply it was because they did not value me/the friendship. I lost a good friend that way -it became a self fulfilling prophecy.
Nowadays I may still get upset if someone doesn't reply to a text, but I try not to show it.
I'd love to be confident enough to be 'not remotely bothered' about someone not replying, like the OP is.
I think the OP should send something like 'not ignoring you but had a lot of things on my mind, we can meet up when things are quieter'.
Can see why you are annoyed though as it kind of obligates you to reply to all her texts now, or else feel that you are doing something wrong. And who wants to be obligated to someone?
Good to see it from the other side after recognising myself in the friends shoes!
Why would you have to explain yourself to her? I disagree with the suggested texts, you have responded to her, she makes a drama, you don't need that right now. I'd keep my distance from someone like that.
Gosh I realise I am guilty of this too, I really over think text message replies, and just generally how people respond to me. It has dawned on me recently that I am totally off-key with friendships. This thread has also helped to be an eye-opener. If she is too intense OP then I'd take a step back, you have tons going on and perhaps she needs a bit of a wake up call.
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