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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How much contact would he realistically get?

17 replies

Homely1 · 28/03/2015 17:42

DH is threatening court and we have a young DC. How much contact will he get? I'm scared that DC will be living half week here and there which is so disruptive

OP posts:

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CalleighDoodle · 28/03/2015 17:47

The usual seems to be every other weekend and onenight mid week every other week

PotteringAlong · 28/03/2015 17:49

If your DC is young will they not just get used to it as the norm?

Northernparent68 · 28/03/2015 17:50

It's impossible to answer as it depends on so many variables.

court proceedings are stressful and expensive, can you not reach a compromise ?

rumbleinthrjungle · 28/03/2015 18:02

Do you or DH spend more time at home doing the day to day care? Who works more hours? Yes if you separate you will be figuring out contact and your DC will be spending time with both of you in two separate homes, I know that's an awful thought but it happens and children cope fine with it.

Bear in mind too that the court/contact card is very often played by angry DHs because it works to hurt, scare and upset you. Not necessarily because they're actively planning it.

BertieBotts · 28/03/2015 18:05

How young and how is the care split currently?

There is no set formula really, but 50/50 is rare.

Homely1 · 28/03/2015 19:06

Thank you. I'm so anxious. DC is 2. We both work long hours and he lives about 50 min away. He's sending me threatening emails. We've separated and DC has not been alone with DH as quite clingy. DH has been seeing DC though. Now threatening me and saying I've kept DC away. I had arranged for them to spend time together without me after he started saying he wanted time alone. He did not take it and went AWOL for a bit. Now I'm discovering that it's because the nature of the meeting is not what he wanted... And it's all my fault.

Ive read of ppl who have DC for half the week each. This seems so unfair for a young one. I'm petrified. I'm not sure what he wants.

OP posts:

Cherryapple1 · 28/03/2015 19:12

Sounds like he is a bully and he is using contact to scare and abuse you. Do rest assured that many threaten court to frighten - but don't actually go through with it at all. How much contact have you offered him? Do you have a record of offering him contact and him refusing/vanishing?

RandomMess · 28/03/2015 19:13

Ask by email what contact he wants.

If your DC is currently clingy respond with a "that sounds great for dc, so we can get to that stage how about we do x for a few weeks, then y and then hopefully dc will be confident about doing what you've suggested"

More tricky if he asks for 50/50 - but in that case you could state that you don't think DC would cope with that but how about we aim for...

Just show yourself to be reasonable and accommodating and acting in your DC best interests.

DarkNavyBlue · 28/03/2015 19:38

Me and my ex do 50/50 residency. It works well.

If you both currently work long hours then neither of you could be said to be the 'main' carer. I don't see why they wouldn't award 50/50 if that's what he wants.

Is that what he wants, or is he just trying to make you miserable?

Homely1 · 28/03/2015 20:33

I don't know what he wants! I have asked and waiting for a response.

Does 50/50 only work if you live closely though? What happens with school/nursery? I a young child is settled in nursery, will a judge disrupt that on the basis that nursery is 'not important' for a 2 year old DC?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 28/03/2015 20:57

I think you need to try and take a step back (very difficult I know).

If he is just wanting to fight/be difficult to "punish" you then the best thing to do is not react.

Certainly do not panic. If your DC is settled in nursery he needs to carry on there and his dad will have to do all the travelling to keep that up.

What is your gut reaction, that your ex is wanting the power of "winning" or that he wants to spend more time with his DC etc.?

Cabrinha · 28/03/2015 21:11

I would talk to a solicitor.
But I'd have thought it would be good to send him one single email listing what you have already proposed (that he didn't follow), asking him to tell you what he would propose, and tell him that you will have to cease email communication if he is abusive towards you. Set up a papertrail of your reasonable offers. And suggest to him that you go to mediation - again, papertrail of your willingness to engage.

Then leave it with him.

FWIW, before divorce I travelled for work and my child was without me for 3-4 days at a time, 2-3 times a month, from 13 months old. She was never unsettled. It stood us in good stead later for divorce! So don't be afraid of 50/50. I really doubt it'll come to that as your ex sounds like he's just trying to hurt you. I expect you'll find he wants to send abusive emails and posture to other people about being a great dad rather than ACTUALLY take you to court. He won't be able to just go to court anyway, you're expected to do mediation first.

Can you get someone to screen the emails? So they tell you anything you need to know, but you're not subjected to the bullying?

rumbleinthrjungle · 29/03/2015 18:12

If DC is that young, lives with you and has not yet had a contact visit alone with ex, and ex is not visiting regularly and missing arranged contact visits and taking his bat home if he doesn't get what he wants - which would suggest his main interest isn't being with his child - then I'd be surprised if a court went straight to 50/50. A court will decide in DC's best interests and it doesn't sound as if your DC has been used to having his dad in his home 24/7, knowing his routine and caring for him to the same extent you do?

I think it in these circumstances you would be seen as DC's primary carer. There were some interesting comments on a thread the other day about 50/50 residency becoming rarer as from evidence being gathered (some articles around online) it takes two parents who are on board with and want the arrangement and can co operate with each other for it to work, it's less successful if there's hostility between parents. And that children benefit from having one secure base. It's a long route towards court and mediation comes first. Try not to let ex panic you.

woffington · 29/03/2015 19:00

Ex took to to court for fifty fifty. He didn't get it but he still has been taking me back to court and I never know if this time the judge will decide in his favour.

Dc are confused by regular toing and froing but it suits him.

Homely1 · 29/03/2015 22:00

For 50:50 to be awarded, do both parents have to live nearby?

Can court be dropped after mediation?

He see DC but together and does not come home.

Oh such a stress...

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BertieBotts · 29/03/2015 22:37

I would imagine yes they would because otherwise it would be too disruptive for DC. And as for nursery - remember courts look for long term solutions so there will be school to consider in 2-3 years as well. A child can't go to one school half the week and another the other! So keep that in mind.

At two - no chance especially if he lives far away. I really really doubt any court would go for 50/50 at two. That's too young to really be able to understand so it would be hugely unsettling. For a 5+ year old, good relationship with both parents, nearby, especially when parents have an amicable relationship it could be a very positive thing but for one that young, I don't think so.

Mediation is usually the first thing they try, if it's not successful then court. Most courts will want you to try mediation first. I would advise you to try your hardest to hide any emotions that you have about the situation from him and just be very cold and businesslike, offer times/dates which work for you and DS and tell him straight if he is pushing for something which doesn't work for the two of you. I would also advise you to treat his contact as a sort of "bonus" childcare, don't ever rely on it e.g. for work or social purposes or anything. If he realises that you're relying on him it gives him something to bargain with, so to speak.

Good luck!

Binklesback · 30/03/2015 08:30

basic standard 'rights' for the nrp are -

Every other weekend. One night in week and half holidays. As long as there are no issues of welfare etc this will be the starting point and least contact that would be expected. Anything above that is open to negotiation. 50/50 can and does work and Is a very good thing in my experience if both parents are amicable and can agree on the best interests of the child concerned.

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