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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Baby or no baby... What to do

20 replies

papillon76 · 27/03/2015 18:41

I recently moved in with my partner of 4 years. He has a daughter from a previous marriage with whom I have a strong bond. I am 38 and would dearly love a child of my own. He says he doesn't want one "at this point in my life" - and now I blame him for deceiving me into thinking moving in meant a life together - and a baby. He made a big deal of moving in as it involves his daughter, and I didn't take the decision lightly either for the same reason. In the space of two weeks due to bitter rows he has gone from saying no baby right now to maybe we shouldn't be together...and he isn't committed to me. Despite this he says that he loves me, and I love him. But should I just be strong here and cut my losses? It will break my heart and his daughter's heart. I'm not sure about his.

OP posts:

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expatinscotland · 27/03/2015 18:44

You need to cut your losses, NOW.

What will break your heart is if you go on living with someone who deceived you, misled you, saw you as a substitute parent for his child and denied you the chance to have one of your own.

You don't have time to wait.

NO man is worth giving up a chance to have a child if that is what you want.

Move out and look into going it alone.

Hippychickster · 27/03/2015 18:46

Can you live without having a baby? If you can't then you have to call it a day. Only you can decide, but I would never have given up my chance of having a child.

Isetan · 27/03/2015 18:59

Youve been together for four years, your 38 and "he isn't ready at his stage of life".

The bigger lie appears to be the one you've been telling yourself.

YellowTulips · 27/03/2015 19:00

It's an awful situation and to be blunt something you both should have addressed before moving in together.

In terms of the situation now I think you need to think very carefully.

If he's reached a point that he's questioning the relationship then s baby is a non starter.

As such you need to decide if staying in what seems a less than stable relationship is worth sacrificing your chance at having kids of your own.

You can't sadly let your feelings to his DD impact this because simply put if you do you may well come to resent her. Which would be grossly unfair.

papillon76 · 27/03/2015 19:13

I would never resent his daughter. She is the innocent in all of this and I feel terrible at the prospect of walking away from the relationship as she would be heartbroken. She's already seen her home split up once - she stays with us two nights a week of seven.

We did discuss it before we moved in although granted probably not enough - he was hesitant as he said it wasn't just an experiment because of his daughter - and that as such it meant not only committing to moving in, but to a potential baby with me, as I had made no secret of saying I wanted one. He has since admitted he was lying to himself and to me, and that he moved in for me and for his daughter above for himself as it was what both she and I wanted.

It does feel like the writing is on the wall; we are going for counselling together as we both also see a huge amount of good, strength and love in our relationship - but the baby issue now can no longer be ignored.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 27/03/2015 19:17

She is not your child. And you want one. He doesn't. No amount of counselling will fix that one.

He strung you along. You let him.

But you now have no more time to waste.

ThroughThickandThin · 27/03/2015 19:21

He has a child. He's denying you having one. I think I'd leave OP.

NerdyBird · 27/03/2015 19:39

Being a stepmum when what you really want is your own baby can be very hard. My DP has two dc already and if he'd have let me move in and then tell me he doesn't want a baby I think it would have ended us. It's just not the same. Give the counselling a go if you think it might get you somewhere but looks like you have a tough decision to make.

YellowTulips · 27/03/2015 19:54

I'm not sure counselling can help with this. It's sounds you made your position clear and he's broken that agreement.

At this juncture I think you have to simply say - you have a choice, to honour what you agreed or I move out and we are over.

If he's not going to follow through on such an important issue its a major red flag about what he'll fail to commit to in the future.

montefury · 27/03/2015 20:03

Totally agree with expat. I appreciate that is so much easier for me to say than you to do though. If your relationship with his daughter is so important to all of you, you may just be able to sustain it without being in a romantic relationship with her father.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 27/03/2015 20:06

I agree you need to get out, like yesterday, if you want a child.

SylvaniansAtEase · 27/03/2015 20:20

Get out get out get out.

If you want a baby now, the absolute worst thing you can do is try and convince yourself that you can sacrifice that and be ok with it. 'Can you live without a child?' - if you want one now, the answer to that is NO NO NO. Because what will be likely to happen is that you will find, in a few years when it really is too late, that actually you are not ok and will never be ok with it - and then you will suffer, by God will you suffer as you bitterly bitterly regret not getting out when you could and trying, even if it meant trying alone. You will hate him for it, and hate yourself more, and you'll be left without even a good relationship to make up for it.

No man is worth giving up the experience of having a child for. NO MAN.

Especially not this one. No, he didn't selflessly move in with you 'for you and his daughter'. He moved in with you because he wanted to, because it's nice for him, because it's good to share the parenting burden, because he wanted a live-in partner. And he strung you along to do it. Get out now.

lomega · 27/03/2015 21:27

Please OP don't waste any more time on this man who has led you a merry dance. Babies are the best thing there is, imo. Don't let yourself be stepped over and used as joint childcare for this man.

sailoratsea · 27/03/2015 23:14

You are not necessarily being used as childcare but I agree with the others. If you want a child you have to leave. I don't think the type of desire that wanting a child is disappears with time. It persists and grows.

pocketsaviour · 27/03/2015 23:22

If he wanted a child with you ever, he would want one now. It's not going to happen with this man. Sadly he's wasted your time. If you are sure you want your own child, you will have to leave.

Sickoffrozen · 28/03/2015 00:38

I assume from username that you are 39 this year.

Even if you leave it is going to be difficult to have a child the natural
Way. Meeting a new bloke and getting him to commit to that within 2 years is not going to be easy.

You will probably need to go it alone and look at alternative ways if you want a baby that much.

Don't piss about with counselling, lay it on the line and say to him that you want a baby now, and if he doesn't then you will leave him. I don't think you will get a positive answer from him by the sounds of it!

pdxs · 28/03/2015 07:38

As previous posters have said, sadly does not look good. Why have things changed so fast after you moving in?

You can talk to him but suggest you move on fast... If he has reservations about a child now I don't see that ending well.

BTW. .. It is NOT too late for you: friend marrying next month (and ttc) having met a man online 1 year ago, and plenty of other relationships move fast at this age

But be strong and decide what's right for you... There are other men out there, ones who will treat you better than this

Didiusfalco · 28/03/2015 07:50

Agree with what everyone is saying. He lied to you before, he is being honest now, however hugely unfair given that he has basically strung you along - dont waste any more time. I think you will resent him hugely if you stay.

Blueberrybaby · 28/03/2015 08:06

This happened to my sister although she was early thirties when she walked away. Moved in with the boyfriend (he had two kids from a previous marriage) and went back and forth several times on whether he felt he could do it all over again. He finally admitted he couldn't do it after they had lived together for 6 months or so and she walked after that. I'm not going to tell you it was the easy decision as she is still single and looking for mr right a couple of years on, but it was the right decision. Good luck op. I do echo others who have said that you need to consider having a child on your own as an option.

BathtimeFunkster · 28/03/2015 08:31

I feel terrible at the prospect of walking away from the relationship as she would be heartbroken. She's already seen her home split up once - she stays with us two nights a week of seven.

She won't be heartbroken. She's 4. You're just her Dad's girlfriend. You only recently moved in.

and that he moved in for me and for his daughter above for himself as it was what both she and I wanted.

Why are you both putting this on a 4 year old?

Look, he just told you that he is only with you out of obligation.

Just leave while you still have some fertile years left.

It's a shame you wasted 4 of your best on this man.

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