after two decades of abuse....

[tellmenowpls]

my dd and her dc, suffered emotional/physical/financial abuse from her husband.
he hit her the first night of the honeymoon, and it was a downward spiral after that.
dd lost everything, home, career and almost her mind....he didn't work as dd was a trained professional, with good earning power , but in her attempt to appease him, ended up a bankrupt.
her eldest child suffered enormously.

I made statements to the police regarding the abuse, but dd "wanted to keep the family together" and stayed, until finally whilst living abroad, he attacked her and moved a girlfriend into the family home.
there is so much more, but would take a whole day to explain it all.

but, this is the big but...
dd managed to rebuild her destroyed life, I am not living in fear anymore.
the ex is now in his 50's in the uk, and living alone.
they all feel sorry for him, have forgiven him ,and want me to meet with him, and forgive him too.
I had a police marker on my house, I lived in fear he would end my dd's life, but he is a "changed man" now.

I want to keep him out of my life, I am 71 now, but dd said she has forgiven him, well, forgotten it all, blanked it all out...and the anger needs to finally end.
but I find it hard, even now to even say his name.
please someone help me get prospective on this.

[Wombat22]

It must have been extremely hard as a parent to have witnesses your DD's misery for all those years. I do not think I could forgive and forget. Best of luck

[Tobyjugg]

I know nothing of your religious beliefs OP but I would point of that the Bible tells Christians to forgive their enemies. It does NOT say they have to do it face to face.

The only way I would do this would be if it was clear DD would be very upset if I didn't. "She's had too much grief for me to add to it" would be my view.

[JegErEnStorNerd]

well, so long as she's not letting him back in to her life, then you don't need to feel worried.

My x abused me for 7 years but now, my self-esteem is so much higher than it was. I am stronger now, I have boundaries. I know that it will never happen again. He shouldn't have treated me like that but I don't feel consumed by anger. I suppose i do forgive him because my life is good now. I am happy.

Is your daughter happy now?

I'm not a christian btw. I just feel that my boundaries are up high enough now that I don't need the 'protection' of anger to keep him at a distance. He just couldn't 'touch' me now. Emotionally.

Perhaps it's like that for your daughter?

I feel very sorry for you though. I feel terribly sorry for the anxiety I caused my mother for the few years before I left my x, when she knew he was an asshole but he had me so bullied I believed I owed it to him to stay with him.

[JegErEnStorNerd]

Sorry, ignore my last post. I see you are being asked to meet him so I presume your dd and gd are meeting up with him

Yes, that happy families nonsense would get my goat too.

I don't think you should feel pressured in to meeting him. I think he will use that to 're-write' the script, like, he can't have been that bad if you're all meeting up now, all friends again now.

If you don't want to be in his company then I think that is your absolute prerogative. Don't feel pressured in to it. You are entitled to reject his company. I admire your integrity tbh.

[JegErEnStorNerd]

Sorry, ignore my last post. I see you are being asked to meet him so I presume your dd and gd are meeting up with him

Yes, that happy families nonsense would get my goat too.

I don't think you should feel pressured in to meeting him. I think he will use that to 're-write' the script, like, he can't have been that bad if you're all meeting up now, all friends again now.

If you don't want to be in his company then I think that is your absolute prerogative. Don't feel pressured in to it. You are entitled to reject his company. I admire your integrity tbh.

[tallwivglasses]

I'm just trying to imagine how I would feel if dd asked the same of me. I couldn't. Her abusive ex is the only person in the world I hate - and I'd dance on his grave for what he did to my girl.

[KatyLovesKats]

Don't meet him. You don't need to. You've suffered enough.

Tell your daughter you will forgive as best you can but you just can't face meeting him. Hopefully she will be sympathetic and understanding and if you are able to share your anxiety that he is not a "changed man", it will sow a seed of doubt in her mind and help her to be wary of him.

Sorry if I sound cynical but in my heart I don't believe men like that change and you must protect yourself, even if you cannot protect your daughter.

Take care x

[heyday]

My daughter was in a relationship with a guy who abused her and almost destroyed not only her life but also that of my darling little grandson and myself. If I even hear the name it still sends me into panic and stress.
If your daughter wants to meet up with him again then that is her right but it is also your right NOT to have to meet up with him again. He may well be a 'changed' man but these sorts of memories never totally go so why risk all the trauma of the memories of her time with him flashing back to you, which would probably happen if you met him again. Personally if I met my daughters abuser I would want to throttle him and hurt him like he hurt us.
I could never tell him at the time how much I loathed him because I feared for our lives but I wish I could tell him how much I hate him. How much I dispise what he did to us.
I still feel fearful that I might see him in the street somewhere and all the anxiety and terror of that time will be rekindled. I personally could never ever meet him and hope that I never ever set eyes on him again.
You should explain to your daughter that if she wishes to see him then that is her choice but you do not wish to have any contact with him, now or ever.
Then step back and let her get on with it but make it clear that you want no part in it. It has nothing to do with anger of forgiveness. If someone hurts your children so terribly, then, as a parent it's natural for you to want to put those horrific memories to rest and not to face a constant reminder of the trauma of that time.

[chimchimini]

What everyone else says. I can't imagine being expected to meet and forgive someone who abused one of my children. Your daughter is an adult and should respect your decision.

What a nightmare, sending

[tallwivglasses]

Here's a more measured response...I would ask your dd if she can imagine the impotence , rage and grief she would go through if one of her dc were subjected to abuse. I would say that if he had truly changed, he would understand and respect my reasons for remaining nc. I would tell her I was glad she'd made her peace with him. And I'd watch him like a hawk.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Explain to all who ask that he has already taken up as much of your time and energy as he is ever going to get. I would be afraid that he is trying to suck your daughter back into his life.

[tallwivglasses]

to you OP and as well - and to every other mother on this thread who's been, or is going through this x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you have to apply your own standards, maintain your own integrity and be responsible for your own choices. Your DD has to do exactly the same thing. If she wants to be in contact with this person she's foolish, deluded and taking a risk for herself and any children. You have to do what is right for you and not feel under pressure to make the same mistake. If you think anyone is at direct risk of harm, contact the police (or child protection or similar) but that's where your responsibility ends

[tellmenowpls]

thank you for your advice.
actually, the next time the "forgiveness" comes into the conversation, I will say....

"how would you feel if you had to stand by and watch your child being tormented" which was my experience for many years.

that may put some perspective on it for dd.

(also, yes lumpyspaced princess, you are absolutely right, now that dd has rebuilt her life, it has taken 6 years, with financial and emotional support from me, he is in a dire financial position, and is making them feel sorry for him, so yes, I am afraid that this monster is definitely worming his way back in to their lives, to destroy them once again I have no doubt)

if it means that I will loose dd to this narcissistic brute, it'll have to be, at my age I can't go through it again.