MIL/MC support advise needed also a RANT

[BubbleGuppie]

Hi :) first of all i will have to give some background on my MIL (theres loads of things she has done which include using my OH, when my 4 year old was newborn she acted like the best nan in the world babysitting (we found out her then 10 year old was forced to do everything including night feeds with no help) so we stopped him sleeping there immediately. this is the worse thing she has done in my mind and i need help to deal with the situation. --->

in november last year my MIL broke up with her bf and kicked her 14 year old out.. they both came to live with me for a week (turned out to be 2 months but ill get to that) MIL text her 14yr old and said she wanted a fresh start and is moving 220 miles away with her 2 year old and does not want to take her 14 year old!!!!!!! so my OH is amazing and says dont worry the 14 year old can live with us as this is just a faze his mum is going though and most likely needs time away. mean while her ex moves jobs to his home town and 'looks for houses' then one week later his mum see's me in the street walking back from dropping her daughter off at school (its a hour walk there and back) im with my 3 year old in his pushchair still asleep and she literally stops infront of me and says 'YOUR LOOKING AFTER THIS ONE TO, I CANT DO IT' wtaf!! and she walks away so ive got a 2 year old in one pushchair and a 3 year old in another and im stunned... i have no credit so end up struggling with them both to my mums work (10mins away from school, ended up being 1 hour struggle) i see my mum crying my eyes out and her friend helps me to my mums house..

so i get to my mums, the 2 year old is screaming for her mum and im losing my mind, ive already got a 14year old, her ex, my OH, my 3 year old, me and now a 2 year old living iin a 2 bed tiny flat!! not to mention nasty texts from my MIL saying how shit people we are and are young and naive, backstabbers, every name you can think of she called it us.

anyway im stressing about picking the 14 year old up with 2 children, tough they will have to walk its about 1 and half walk home and just as i leave i notice a puddle of blood on the floor, i knew what it was immediately and im heartbroken. i use my mums phone and ring the school to tell the 14 year old to walk my mums as im poorly. we finally get home and wait till my OH is home from walk 10pm and i tell him he's heartbroken, its the first time ive seen him cry the 5 years we've been together. the next day i go doctors then hospital and im 4-5 months gone :( that night i lost the baby in the bathroom and bled for 17 days.

we had to tell the 14 year old and MIL ex that we couldnt cope anymore and the ex has to move out (the 2 year old is he but not the 14 year old) and he agrees.. all of a sudden he rages out and says he's sorting this... the next day he comes back and says he told my MIL i had a M/C and she laughed when she found out!!!!!! we then get a text off MIL saying we can adopt her kids.. my OH loses it and texts my MIL saying shes not welcome round here and were getting SS involved and benefits as shes claiming for both kids and we need help with money. she says fine.

then for 2 weeks the EX says he's moving out and is viewing houses and then finally he has a house.

my OH's nan rings up as she found out about our M/C and asks to have the 14yr old and 2yr old for the weekend..

on the Saturday of the weekend the EX and the MIL turn up at the nans and says she never kicked them out and takes the 14yr old back and 2 year old back for a year!!! then we can adopt them!!!!!!!!!

we ended up making a deal for the year with the 14 year old as by that time she hated her mum for everything she had said and done and she comes round ours after school tuesdays and thursday and some weekends.

for the last 2 months they have acted like nothing has happened and you'll never guess what the EX was sneaking out every night and sleeping with my MIL whilst he was bitching about her and calling her every name under the sun and there engaged again and being the perfect little family.

i had a M/C for no reason, my MIL and her BF did this and i HATE them for it.. the day they moved in we had actually brought a pregnancy test but didnt do it as everything kicked off.

well my MIL came round 3 weeks ago unannounced and saying she doesnt understand why we're not talking to the EX and her. well i told her everything she had done and how she made us feel! she denied everything.. she didnt laugh or text us. or go centre parcs for a week whilst we had her kids and ex (even though she put photos on facebook but blocked us but not my dad who print screened to computer to show us) well apparently shes saying she wants to be with her ex just because he pays her £150pw rent and £100pw for her child and food, he's also painting her house and doing a new roof and she said shes using him..

now this is the worse part for me personally. she saysssss 'WHY WOULD I HAVE LAUGHED, IVE HAD A ABORTION SO I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO LOSE A CHILD!!!!!!!!!!' so i kick her out. tell my OH and he isnt shocked at all (his mums always been like it.) then she came round last week and tells us we're having her 14 year old whilst she goes on holiday with her EX and 2 year old AND in august we're having her 2 year old so she can go on holiday with her 14 year old.. lets just say she didnt understand the word NO until we never picked them up from her house to babysit she then made her mum look after them.

my OH hates his mum and doesnt want anything to do with her but works with her ex and has to act nice to him. when his mum comes round he fuming but when she walks in he's all nice and i cant do that, i cant deal with her, she goes on about she wants another child and ooo lok at this new born baby and i cant do it anymore. i ended up collapsing outside with my 3 year old near a main road, luckily a man helped me to the doctors and i went hospital, im not eating and im not sleeping, they said i have vasculer collapse and the blood isnt getting to mny brain and its forgetting to breath as i dont have enough, iron/vitimins ect...

[BubbleGuppie]

Also if you read the whole essay hahaha thank you :)

[Joyfulldeathsquad]

Wow

It's easy. Ban her from being round your home . If your DP resists leave him.

I've been no contact with my MIL since Christmas . It's lovely. Dp knew I was at the point of no return and supported me. If he wouldn't I was prepared to walk and he knew it.

Life is too short for this type of shit.

[BubbleGuppie]

she is banned from the house but she comes round anyway, my OH works 10am-10pm mon-fri and she comes round when he's not here. she bangs and bangs on the door and buzzes every other flat so she can get in, shes even shouted our names and she stands there for hours until we answer. we've even got a warning from our Housing association twice because she shouts and bangs and neighbors have told them we're loud and disturbing the peace

[JassyRadlett]

Poor you, and those poor kids. Are SS involved with them?

[pocketsaviour]

she bangs and bangs on the door and buzzes every other flat so she can get in

Call the police. Seriously. This woman is a child abuser and she sounds like a living nightmare, I'm so sorry for you and your OH. She cannot be allowed to continue behaving like this. Your OH must get on side with you, you need to present a united front.

Did you call social services? Are they aware of what she's been putting her poor kids through?

[Ohfourfoxache]

If she bangs on the door etc then call the police. It's harassment.

Can you investigate a non molestation order? (think that's what it's called - restraining order?)

[BubbleGuppie]

they were when the lived here, the now 15 year old goes to my old school so the teachers know me so i got them involved and they helped ring SS but there not anymore but my MIL is playing all nice with them at the minute.

we're getting them involved as soon as she starts messing the kids about again, the 15 year old will be staying at home alone for 2 weeks soon so her mum can go on holiday with her BF and we're going to ring them when shes not there so she has no stupid excuses again.

unfortunately my OH has only just realised how bad his mum is. he used to look after his sister every night, make dinner for everyone, go shops when he was little.. he's 21 now and his sisters 15. he's been looking after her since she was little/till he was 15 when he met me. he's always thought it was normal, never had birthday presents or a party. the only one thats had anything is the now 3 year old.

[BubbleGuppie]

i didnt think i could get a restraining order... sounds silly but i thought you could only get them on ex's ect. how do we do that? my OH is on my side he hates his mum more than me.. he didnt even want to tell her i was pregnant 4 years ago but when she comes round he acts all nice but inside it kills him .. its like he puts a mask on just for her

[Joyfulldeathsquad]

Just call the police the minute she turns up. It honestly is that simple.dont engage in drama.

You have to totally disengage from her because your actually feeding her need for control and drama. Let the police deal with her.

[pocketsaviour]

when she comes round he acts all nice but inside it kills him .. its like he puts a mask on just for her

Maybe he does this because he can't bear her to see how much she's hurt him? Or he could still feel that fear that he felt as a young boy - I would imagine if he ever spoke up against her she probably made his life hell

I don't know about restraining orders but you can start by calling the police on 101 if she comes round and starts banging again. Keep a note of every time she does this, every time she calls or texts, what she says about leaving kids here there and everywhere, etc. This will help to build up a picture of her harassment if you do need to take steps for a restraining order. However if the police remove her once or twice she might get the message and stay away.

[BubbleGuppie]

okay i will ring the police when she comes round, which will be soon shes always up here -_- hopefully she will get the message! if not them ill speak to the police about the restraining order :) and yes she would make his life hell, the 14 year olds dad isnt involve because he used to beat my OH up and she chose that scum over her son and my OH ran away to live with his uncle it wernt till he cheated on his mum that she kicked him out.. she just thinks about herself and no one else, her kids didnt even care that she wanted to move away and the 14 year old was begging to stay at mine... im only 20 and my OH is only 21, my OH said yes with no hesitation to getting full rights of her in a years time and getting rid of there mum which says everything in my mind..

[Momagain1]

i am sorry your dh had to grow up as a little dad. I am glad that his sister, so far, is managing to keep in school even though she has to play mother. She is lucky she has her brother, and her sister in laws family, as back up. Something he didnt have.

You can get a restraining orders etc. against anyone who is violent and harassing. Not just men. Not just exes. The trouble with that is you naturally have a concern for Dh siblings so legally forcing her out of your life would mean cutting off their lifeline of a big brother, your really quite heroic DH. That may be what the two of you HAVE to do to protect your little family.

From early age, your dh, and now his sister, have been coping with the problems their mother creates. As adults (or nearly) they can actually take charge of the situation rather than reacting! You and your DH need to discuss what you want to accomplish: just cutting her, and the siblings, out of your lives is one choice. But it sounds like he couldnt do that to his siblings. Would you want to get her children away at all costs, even if they get put into the care system? Would you want to take them on yourselves?

Once you are agreed, involve others. If all the sensible people, yourselves, your parents to some extent, the GP and HV any of the small children are registered with, his sister and her teachers and soon the nursery teachers for the next child, could make it happen if you worked together on it.

It sounds horrible, but it is a defensive action. Your DH was lucky to get out, his siblings need protection from her, and your own dc's lives will be a mess as long as she is around. If Dh siblings end up as messed up as their mum, they will become a life long problem for your children to grow up with. Your Dh and his sister are at a point where they can improve a lot of people lives. It will take being very consistent about tracking MILs actions, calling SS, calling the police, calling other agencies. It will be hard. She is used to foolingpeople, but she can only fool a few at a time. The more people paying attention at the same time, the sooner she will fail to get away with this anymore.

I dont know if Women's Aid can offer advise on this. There is also a group called Mens Aid that might be useful to your DH.

[GotToBeInItToWinIt]

You need to show her you mean business. Phone the police next time she comes round. Don't engage with her AT ALL. It's the only way she'll get the message.

[BubbleGuppie]

Momagain1 , my OH sister is amazing, their mum is on holiday this week in a executive lodge in centre parcs, and her daughter refused to go as she is in school this week. shes has her head on straight even though she gets bullied at school she knows exactly what she wants in life.
(her mum booked it hoping it was off term time, she didnt even check else she would of known)
me and my OH have agreed to let her live with us next year whilst shes in college/apprenticeship which she has already sorted all by her self.

when my OH was about 13 he ran away from home and slept round him friends house and he cut contact with is mum and she in spite refused to let the siblings see each other, we wont let this happen again. we have notified her school when she lived with us just incase anything happened to her or she was ill and i spoke to her head of year (my old P.E teacher) and he's amazing he knows everything and read all the nasty texts her mum sent her and they rang SS and got them involved (she lied about everything)

we're not 100% sure what to do with the now 3 year old, i would imagine hr mum will take her with her to torquey next year to live but we dont really want that to happen, we dont mind having her with us but shes very clingy and i dont know if i could cope.

and GotToBeInItToWinIt its very hard to not engage with her as she uses her kids as a weapon and she loves to guilt trip my OH but i definitly will be called the police next time she turns up :)

[CrazyCatLady13]

Wow! You've been through so much. I agree with other posters - get the police round the next time she comes to yours, and keep doing this until she gets the message.

Am so sorry about your miscarriage.

Sounds like you're doing everything you can to help your OH's siblings, but remember that you can only help to a certain extent (to the limits of your strength) - you can't help others unless you're strong enough in yourself, so take care of yourself.