What to do about Grandmother contact now?

[motherlondon]

I will try to make this as succinct as possible.

ExH's Dad passed away last week, his only grandkids are our kids.

ExH overseas and couldn't get back for funeral. I am in regular contact with ExH's stepmum, stepsiblings and his dad when he was alive. Kids skyped weekly, birthday presents to each other, FB, phone calls etc. They have been super supportive of me during separation and made it clear that me and kids are family no matter what.

ExH's Dad and Mum separated when she left the home when ExH was a baby, he was raised by his Dad and Stepmum, so his Mum has had nothing to to with the Dad for over 43 years and only saw him at our wedding 15 years ago.

As ExH couldn't get to funeral, I made a big trip with kids to get there, and his family were all extremely grateful for the effort and cost and the fact that we got there. I checked with stepsiblings and stepmum first to make sure there would be no offence caused etc, they were extremely welcoming and happy to have us attend.

The night before we left, ExH's mother texted me vile messages about the fact I was goingto his funeral was very upsetting to her, insulting, just how rude can I be to her, I have nothing to do with the father in law, just what do I think I am doing?, I will simply embarass them all, and that any respect she had for me is gone as I clearly have none for her or my exH.and just heaps and heaps along this vein.

She then said I had chosen to not be part of the family and I should just butt out.

I replied that I was doing it out of respect and history for the kids and nothing else, that I was in very regular contact etcetc. Also said that her son had chosen to not be part of his family due to using prostitutes and screwing god knows how many people. Told her to not contact me again except to apologise or set up skype with the children.

She then blasted me again and said she would never apologise.

ExH was very supportive of me, said he was grateful I was making the big trip and to ignore her.

It upset me so much I didn't sleep that night.

I have blocked her on my phone, but where does it leave it now for contact with the kids? Her and her husband live a long way away so contact is Skype and the kids are too little to sort it themselves.

Do I let her know that I've blocked her and her husband can contact when they want to skype or where to from here? I would really like to never have to deal with her again, but can't as the kids don't deserve not to have their grandparents in their life.

She is no support to me, doesn't make any effort to see kids except to parade them out at family functions and take them during Christmas etc. so isn't a doting grandparent as such but she is still their grandma and they are her only grandchildren.

What to do?

[Guiltypleasures001]

Morning op

She sounds a charmer, if she wasn't and I hesitate to use this term family would you facilitate a relationship with your kids with such a person?

Probably not I assume, your job is too protect your kids from negative outside influences of which she is a big one. If she thinks that her sons behaviour is acceptable and punishes you for it then ide go nc with her. She doesn't deserve contact just because she their dads mother.

The kids won't notice the difference if one set of gp aren't around, all that matters is that you are. Don't guilt trip yourself if she was dead it would be a mute point, if she wants to see them then she needs to make the effort but I doubt beyond slagging you off she will bother. She's inadequate just like her son, leave her to it

[WaxOnWaxOff]

She can see/speak to the children when they're with your ex.

Leave it totally up to him to facilitate contact between his mother and his children. You don't need to get involved.

[Pinkfizzywizzydodah]

I agree with wax OP. It's his mother, then it is up to him to provide contact.

You sound lovely by the way.

[sanfairyanne]

why would you want your kids to have contact with a vile person? it would certainly not improve their lives. let the ex sort it out - bet he doesnt see the point though, and he must know her best

[Aussiebean]

Yep. Exh can deal with contact from now on.

He can do the Skype, the driving and the organising.

She is no longer your problem.

And don't be fooled by the idea that your kids deserve their grandparents

They deserve good kind lovely people who love them in their lives. Whether that be family or not.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Keep in touch with people who are supportive of you and remain so; this will also be mutually beneficial.

Ignore EXh's mother; she is nothing but toxic and jealous perhaps too of the nice, healthy relationship you now have with his stepmother. Another advantage here is that your EXH is on your side re his mother; he knows all too well what she is like and he has also advised you to ignore her as well. In that respect, follow his lead.

Her messages to you say far more about her frankly, she is clearly not a nice person to be at all around. You did not make her the ways she is, her own family of origin did that to her.

You likely as well come from a family where thankfully all this familial dysfunction is unknown so it is doubly difficult for you but you need to be tough here with his mother and not give her any further ammunition to use against you (like any further contact or getting your children to make contact with her which is even worse and simply exposing them to more of her manipulation).

You also do not have to tell her that you have ceased contact; people like EXH's mother like nothing more than a) a fight and b) the last word. Just drop off her radar permanently. If anyone in the family try to talk to you about her, explain politely that you do not want to receive any info about her.

You should never put yourself in the firing line of such people like his mother either or expose your children to such toxic crap just because his mother is "family". She has not behaved at all well here and such behaviour should not be rewarded by any contact from you. Any contact you make from now on will be a mistake and will also give her an excuse to bother you even more.

Your children need decent kind role models as grandparents; people who will love and nuture them. Not all grandparents are nice and you seem far too hooked on societal convention re his mother and this utopia that the children should have grandparents in their lives. They already have nice wider family in their lives. Concentrate your energies on people like his stepmother's family and helping them foster emotionally healthy relationships with your children instead of his mother who simply uses the children as props for her own self. It will also do your children no favours at all to see you as their mother being so continually disrespected by his nan. That simply sends them both mixed and damaging messages.

So what if she is more "directly related"?. Its totally irrelevant and besides which you do not like her. If you can't stand her then you should not expose your children further to her toxic behaviours, end of. You are then protecting your children from such malign influences. Some people really should not be allowed access to their grandchildren and his mother is a case in point.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward so you can further understand the dynamics of people like his mother here.

[Starlightbright1]

Another..Let ExH sort out contact...

They are young...They really don't notice change as much as you think.. My DS's stick insects died last year and it took 2 months before he even noticed the Tank had gone.

Just be vague if they do mention it.

[MinceSpy]

You are under no obligation to facilitate a relationship between this woman and your children.
If their father wants them to see her he can take them.

[Ohfourfoxache]

I wouldn't be facilitating contact at all - be that via Skype, phone, in person, nothing.

Children do not "need" grandparents like this. She sounds utterly poisonous - don't subject them to her.

If your ex wants them to have contact then fine, but tbh I think I'd be pressing for complete NC. Poisonous bitch.

[sanquhar]

my kids haven't seen or spoken to their paternal grandfather for, oooh, 3 years or so.

hasn't made one jot of difference to them. they speak to mil on the phone and Skype and have my parents living in the same town so they don't need contact with their narc/abusive granddad.

i wish my parents had kept me away from one set of grandparents, they were horrible and as soon as i was old enough to stay at home on my own i refused to see them.

don't force relationships with nasty people, it does no good in the long run.

[SensationalGirl]

"the kids don't deserve not to have their grandparents in their life"

Why? What did the kids do that was so bad they deserved her in their life?

[Anniegetyourgun]

ExH's Dad and Mum separated when she left the home when ExH was a baby, he was raised by his Dad and Stepmum, so his Mum has had nothing to to with the Dad for over 43 years and only saw him at our wedding 15 years ago

She then said I had chosen to not be part of the family and I should just butt out

Gosh, she's amazingly hypocritical, isn't she? And completely self-centred, to take your presence at your children's grandfather's funeral as anything at all to do with her, let alone a personal insult. I'm not sure what planet she's on but it's not a healthy one.

Frankly, there's a lot more to being a grandmother than having happened to give birth to someone who grew up to be a father. In a biological sense she is one, but in every other sense... just no.

[motherlondon]

Thankyou everyone for your responses. I think I did need the wake up call that genes and blood don't give you automatic rights to access as such.
The kids really won't notice, all under 5, if they drop out of their lives.
I think maybe the death of her ex husband has brought up a lot of guilt about her parenting choices, and life and it was easier to throw the crap at me than face reality.
Anyway? Have received beautiful thankyou messages from the step family so know I did right thing in going.
Thanks again for taking time to reply and I will look for that book Attila!