aftermath narc rel

[pixieinthewoods]

hello everyone! I have been a long time lurker, and this forum has helped me greatly in the past just reading the posts. I now need help more than ever though, because I don't understand what's going on with me and I hope that you wise women could help me figure it out.

I was doing so well...After 5 years in a draining rel with a narcissist, I finally kicked him out, and for months I was doing so well. me and my DS were happy, relaxed, I finally got rid of that sense of guilt, of being always not good enough. I had some times when my child would act out, especially after seeing his dad, but hell, I was finally back in control of my life. I felt so happy.
I accomplished more in the last few months that in the whole time with him.
And something happened, something got broken in me and now I feel scared and inadequate again. we had more contacts with my ex, having him around has made felt once again incredibly weak, crazy, lost. I know it's him, but that feeling hasn't left me yet.
when will I feel better again?when am I going to breathe easily again? and, is this going to happen every time my DS will get to meet his dad more often than his usual routine? Obviously I cannot go non contact with him as he is very important to my ds, but then I need to find some coping mechanism because I cannot handle it as it is right now.
please, any advice or suggestion?

[DeliciousMonster]

A separate email address just for contact regarding contact?

Have you had counselling to overcome this sense of inadequacy?

[Christinayang1]

You have done really well getting away so don't minimize how strong you are

At the moment perhaps you need to just stick to the routine visits and only have minimal contact and only about ds. Have you had some counseling to help you recover from what you have been through?

[pixieinthewoods]

I have had counselling during the relationship and it helped. the counsellor back then didn't really understand I was in a EA rel, probably because I didn't realise it. she used to say I was terribly harsh on myself and I was making my life very difficult. All true.
In the first few months after the separation, I only communicated with him by texts, to avoid as much as possible his mind games. Then recently, to make our ds feel more settled and secure we have behaved more friendly, he offered to help me out more,I let him stay with ds in my home as he was too broke to take him somewhere else in rainy day etc. I realised pretty soon that it was very wrong for me, so I won't to do it again. I will try to go back to formal and only necessary communication, but I can't help to still feel shaken up, much worse than at the end of the rel.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Imho, you will need more counselling, and maybe with a different counsellor, sorry. It is not mentally healthy for you to be around him, at all...as if you are allergic to him (because it seems you are psychologically allergic to him and then that has an effect on your physical health).

It is hard, I know. The Narc in my life is/was my sister. I am NC with her.

I know you are concerned for your child, but the attempts at presenting a "happy family" scenario will only benefit your xh. It is a fake facade and your lo will be more damaged later at finding out the truth of how hurtful xh is to you (and there will undoubtedly be the Narc dynamic towards your lo to have to deal with later).

Think of it this way: for you to be the best mom for your child, you need to be happy and healthy-physically as well as mentally. Your mental health (and through possibilities of stress/depression -your physical health as well) is put into jeopardy from contact with your xh. Stay away from him.

You may feel sad that your little one can not have the happy mom and dad together experience. Trying to give that to your lo is just going to be a disaster. You have done so so well to leave xh, and find your self esteem again, and thrive in your own life again. Spending time in the presence of your xh is a huge step backward as you are experiencing, just don't do it.

[springydaffs]

Please don't think your narc ex won't do the same to ds as he did to you. By that reckoning, I really wouldn't be promoting more contact. If I had my time again I'd get the hell away from my narc ex but hindsight is a wonderful thing and it's also not easy to do is it - society is so heavily invested in 'kids needs both parents' (especially male to male I suppose) and we mothers have a huge fear of being seen as a mother who denies a relationship with absent parent. But no dad is better than an endlessly poisonous dad.

As for the trauma resurfacing, it is no surprise. Think of a soldier going back to the war zone where s/he was traumatised, the effect would be the same. The freaky thing about domestic abuse (even that phrase sounds too tame) is that it happens in a very ordinary setting - if there were bombs going on it would somehow make more sense.

I actually felt a surge of anger at hearing your counsellor had no idea about EA. Yy they have their job to do in an appropriate therapeutic way but, going back to the warzone analogy, how appropriate would it be to not address the strikingly obvious.

You know now that you must do a runner to another country curtail as much contact as humanly possible. The extreme reaction to him is an indication of how traumatised you are, so give yourself space with that. Go through Women's Aid to access appropriate therapy ie someone who is experienced in dealing with the appalling effects of domestic abuse. Melanie Tonya Evans site is very good for addressing the after-effects, the trauma. Can't link but have a look. She's a bit woo sometimes but who cares, frankly: we need everything we can get.

There are many out here, lovely, if that helps at all. I read today that 1 in 5 will experience it in the UK so why the FUCK isn't MH services on this??

Keep going, you will get your equilibrium back

[WildFlowerWoman]

When your ex comes round to pick your son up do you let him in the house? As much as I'm sure you want your son to have more contact with his dad the additional visits are clearly not doing you any good. My advice would be to keep him at the front door when he visits, or if you feel you have to let him in, keep it brief and then get rid of him. Good luck

[springydaffs]

Or do everything humanly possible to never see his face/bod again.