My mum is abusive to my dad

[Notdoingtherightthing]

I've name-changed because there are RL people who know my MN nickname, and I real don't want to make this public.

My parents have always had arguments - mainly my mum going off on one at my dad for something he's done or not done, usually something small. A few months ago they came over to visit and my dad had a cut on his face. It turned out that my mum had lashed out at him and his glasses had been knocked into his face. Her excuse was that it was all his fault for doing whatever it was he shouldn't have done this time - basically, emotional abuse (classic abuser behaviour to excuse their abuse in this way, I know). Dad agreed that he had done something to make her get angry (or rather, 'stressed', which she always is and which makes her pretty bloody unbearable sometimes) and wouldn't hear of me calling the police or indeed talking about it at all.

I made a pact with myself that I would call the police if it ever happened again. Today, they came round and exactly the same thing had happened. My dad was, again, agreeing that it was his fault for not doing something he should have, and my mum burst into tears saying she was so stressed about everything and nobody takes any responsibility and it all falls on her. And I know I should call the police but I can make myself do it, because of the impact it will have on my dad (who asked me not to do anything), my mum (who is genuinely not very well, emotionally or physically), and of course me and my family - because I norm get on well with my parents and my children love seeing them, and it would make everyone's lives completely shit on the outside, rather than just being privately and temporarily shit, before things are brushed under the carpet until the next time it happens .

So as not to drip feed, I will mention here that my brother is not well and has mild learning difficulties which means he needs help to deal with things like getting hospital appointments sorted and chasing up the NHS when it fails to follow through on tests etc (I could do a whole different thread for my brother's problems...). Right now this involves travelling a long way back to his home in a remote part of the country from here, where he has been staying with my parents - my parents are due to drive him there over the next couple of days, and I really feel it would not be good to do anything before he gets sorted out.

I don't know what I'm asking here - I suppose it's 'what should I do?' but the problem is I know I should phone the police but I don't think I'm going to

[Notdoingtherightthing]

Sorry about the typos/autocorrect- hopefully it still all makes sense

[Ilovemybedbaby]

Hi there op
I feel really sorry for your dad it must be awful for him, but it does sound to me like your mum is depressed.
Has she ever seen a dr about her anger?

[gamerchick]

I don't really think there's much you can do unfortunately. If you ring the police would they even admit it?

I think personally I would tell them I won't be in their lives until they seek help and leave them too it but it's all personal that one.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I also think you Mum sounds very unwell. There's no excuse whatsoever for bullying or lashing out at your father but she sounds very unstable, irrational and in desperate need of some kind of medical or psychiatric intervention. GPs will do a mental health assessment if asked. Your father is key to this, however. If he is too intimidated to speak up, he is going to need your support and encouragement.

[Somethingtodo]

It is wrong that she has assaulted him. She needs help to curb that behaviour it is dysfunctional.

Could there be a toxic dynamic going on....have a look at this:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2275725-Anyone-else-end-up-as-an-angry-banshee-after-living-with-Mr-Nice-passive-irresponsible

[LastInTheQueue]

it would make everyone's lives completely shit on the outside, rather than just being privately and temporarily shit, before things are brushed under the carpet until the next time it happens

In which case this is not temporary, but something that has now happened at least twice and will carry on happening?

If this was your mum, or any other woman, who had been assaulted in this way, would people be making excuses about "stress"?

Your dad needs your support and I would be strongly encouraging him to report this, and to stop making excuses for your mum's behaviour.

[MyRightFoot]

without getting police involved, you could contact an organisation called Respect. abusers can get help from them to stop their behaviour. i think u should confront your mum and tell her exactly how you feel and that sh. is a bully. if she is going thru the menopause, is she taking any medication? menopause can make a small amount of women irrational and violent.

[Notdoingtherightthing]

Yes she is depressed, and has been for most of my life; also the 'stress' is, I think, anxiety. My dad has always been laid-back and tends to assume everything will turn out ok, so it's usually my mum who has to take action to make sure things are ok and has to do the worrying. And she has been ground down by 30 years of worrying about my brother.

But she refuses to go to the doctor about almost anything, whether it's her mental state or a physical illness, on the grounds that either they won't be able to help and will just tell her to rest, or she can't be ill while things need doing (like looking after my brother and doing all the running of the household that she thinks my dad can't or won't do - despite the fact that actually things would be coped with reasonably well while she got well again). I will keep trying to suggest this to her and my dad but I doubt it will have any effect.

Last yes I agree, if this was a man's behaviour towards a woman the immediate reaction would be that no excuse can justify it and she should get away from him as soon as possible. And I don't see that it is any different when the man is the victim. As a woman it is all too easy to empathise with another woman, but there really can be no justification for domestic violence even if there are other issues that also need to be addressed.

Thanks to your answers I see that it would be wrong for me to contact the police, and that I need to work on trying to get her to get help, and also to help my dad as much as possible, although I know that he finds it easier to just go along with her irrational behaviour .

[Notdoingtherightthing]

Oh, and MyRightFoot - she is well past the menopause so it's not that, although she definitely changed a lot when she went on some medication a few years ago (not sure what exactly, statins - which really screwed her up, she came of them and immediately got a lot better - and some other stuff), and her negative personality traits, if that is the right thing to call them, have been a lot more noticeable ever since.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

How old are your parents?

[ghostinthecanvas]

Your mum needs to see the gp. Maybe go with her? Certainly tell her you may go to the police if she doesn't address her anger issues. If it was the other way round, how hard would you be on your dad? I am sorry you are going through this

[MyRightFoot]

not, have you checked they are getting all the support they're entitled to, re carers allowance, respite etc. i think anxiety tablets could help her. in addition do give your dad lots of attention. i suspect he is the forgotten one here.

[drudgetrudy]

Calling the police would be a waste of time if your Dad doesn't want to make a complaint.
I would second talking to your Mum and offering/insisting on going with her to see her GP as her stress levels and anxiety are making her behaviour unacceptable.

[Notdoingtherightthing]

They are in their late 60s, Cogito.

I don't know what they would be entitled to, MyRightFoot, as far as I know my brother does not 'officially' have any disabilities - I don't know the details as my mum has always dealt with things like his schooling, helping him get housing support etc, but he doesn't get disability allowance or anything like that. In practice, though, he will always need help with things over and above simply getting on with day-to-day life. He lives in a rural community where there is a lot of support from the community (in particular, he is involved with the church). So I don't think my parents would be entitled to anything as carers as things currently stand.

I think there are a lot of things that need to be done :getting my brother the help he needs (this is in progress, for the physical health issues he is currently having, at least); supporting my dad as much as I can; and getting my mum to admit that she needs help and go to the doctor.

Thank you for your advice, it has helped me get some perspective on what is clearly a much bigger problem than the fact of my mum hitting my dad (not that I am minimising that in any way at all). I feel like I have an idea now of what I need to do about it all.

[SilverFishFly]

I have similar parents but no physical violence and they have only one child, me. I have to go to work now but will try and post later.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I ask about age because some of the early warning signs of dementia are things like aggression, personality change and excessive anxiety. If the relationship between your parents has been poor but has deteriorated noticeably quite recently, that's something else to consider. My own parents are going through this at the moment so I'm sensitised.

[MinceSpy]

I'm not condoning DV but I'm not sure the police is the right step at the moment. Your mum sounds unwell and stressed. I would be firm and say she needs to come with you to see her doctor. If she refuses then adult social services should be your next step both for your parents and brother.