Random silent treatments - but denies he's doing it

[FedUpAnnieAnne]

Yeah so basically he'll just randomly go into a "mood" and will refuse to tell me why, instead choosing to insist that it's actually ME that's in a mood with him. It always seems to happen when I need him the most - if I've had a shit day/week, have been looking forward to spending time with him, have had something good happen to me like an achievement -

Perfect example this week. It's been horrendous.

Started off with a load of shit at work, I had a row with a nutty colleague, work load was mental as it was, my 14 year old son is spiraling out of control and I'm receiving constant phonecalls from school, I found out in order to pass my degree I need to sit a 90% pass rate math exam in a few months (I don't 'do' math!) and to top it all off, my mum was diagnosed with a common, non dangerous but still bloody scary form of skin cancer.

So on Wednesday when I found out about the diagnosis DP suddenly starts having a face on with me. Wouldn't say what was wrong, just started being generally 'off' with me. When I asked for a hug he said he was comfy where he was (he was sat in a place he NEVER sits in, miles away from me, naturally specially reserved seating for when I could do with him close) and he said if I wanted a hug I would have to go to him for one. I don't like these power struggles so I just said "no its fine, don't worry about it" so he said "oh? see you can't have been that bothered about a hug can you?" ffs my mum had literally that day been diagnosed with cancer and he's still trying to power struggle and point score with me?

So the next day I'm at work. He sends me a text saying "you hate me again, I can tell :-( xxxxx". I was busy (had two patients die before lunch time) so I just text back "don't be daft, see you later xxx". No reply.

Got home that night, he made himself a drink and didn't ask me if I wanted one. Had a go at me because I walked into the kitchen with my phone in my hand "cant be that bothered about seeing me can you? phone in hand". and continued being stroppy and short with me for the rest of the night until I said "look, either tell me why you're in a mood or pack it in." His reply "it's not me that's in a mood, it's you".

It's so fucking draining. I found myself daydreaming yesterday about being with someone who naturally and autonomously came to hug me after seeing I was upset. Sad isnt it.

[alabastergirl]

Sorry about your mum.

So, why are you with him then? He doesn't sound very nice.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why are you together particularly if he does this every time you need support of any kind?. I presume you are expected by him to be there for him always.

What is happening re your son and school, why exactly is he spiralling out of control?. I would think that this young person has more pressing and real issues that need to be sorted out.

[sixandtwothrees]

Am in a rush but just wanted to say he sounds like an arse. Poor you for having such a shit week and having no support.

To be noticeably LESS caring when you are having a shit time, then start fishing for you to tell him that you don't hate him, what the fuck?

I can imagine why you were daydreaming about that, you would think it a basic requirement of a relationship to be comforted when you are down. (There's another thread on dp's being horrible when ill, sadly really common, and they're arses too)

P.S. That thing of being CLEARLY in a mood, being silent or shitty, then when asked what was wrong, accusing ME of being shitty, thus leaving me a)unable to point out when I felt something was wrong b) confused by what the hell was happening and c) paranoid that I had done something wrong and walking on eggshells was EXACTLY what my ex used to do to me. It's cruel, and it's unacceptable.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think life is far too short to waste it on anyone who is 'fucking draining'. If they're not adding value, they're surplus to requirements. Maybe your 14yo is picking up on the 'fucking draining' atmosphere at home and it's affecting his behaviour at school?

[AMumInScotland]

I think I can see what his problem is - you are not making him the focus of your world. Something else, apart from him, is actually being treated as if it mattered more than his ego for a brief time. This is unacceptable. Your life is unimportant. Your problems are unimportant. Your mother's health is unimportant.

You are supposed to immediately stop thinking about that and think about him - hs moods, his needs, him generally.

Why are you with someone who can't even make you the centre of his attention for a brief moment now and again when you are in need? LTB.

[Annarose2014]

He's supposed to be your friend. Can you think of any of your friends who would refuse to get up and give you a hug after you find put your Mum has cancer?

And lets face it - if you did have a friend who did it you'd know they were no friend at all. You'd know straightaway.

How is it then so hard to see that with him?

[isittheweekendyet]

I'd also ask what are you getting out of this relationship because it sounds like not much. He sounds like an arse if I'm honest - your partner should be there to support and provide comfort, not behave like a spoilt attention seeking child if you hadn't something else going on in your life that isn't him

I'd have trouble putting up with that tbh.

[isittheweekendyet]

• if you have

[Zucker]

He sounds more like someone who's being forced to live with you rather than a partner that wants to be there for you. You can do better!

[scatteroflight]

OP, this sounds incredibly wearing and I sympathise because I've experienced similar.

One thing I'd say before LTB'ing is that are things generally good between you? Or has the relationship frosted over a little recently for any reason?

I found when life got tough with my ex that he withdrew support from me because he was angry about all manner of other things. I think this sort of tit-for-tat is more forgiveable than someone who is generally happy in a relationship except when they're not centre of attention, or who is so excessively needy that they feel put out when your energies are diverted to other people. That would seem like a major character flaw and might warrant reassessment of the relationship.

Regardless you probably need to talk to him and explain exactly as you have done here how you have experienced his behaviour this past week. His reaction will be informative.

[sixandtwothrees]

Read this again and am growing increasingly cross about this ridiculous power game over the hug. The pathetic text the next day and gripes about you having your phone in your hand are pretty shit, but like Annarose said, if a friend actually refused you a hug, tried to make you come to them and grovel for it, then made out that if you didn't you clearly didn't want one anyway, and basically headfuck you about asking for a hug, when you had just found out your mum has skin cancer???? (or actually, at any point when you were upset) you would very reasonably never speak to them again!!!

He just sounds horrible. Really. He's actually genuinely fed up that you have anything else to think about other than him.

And you would do far better to spend your energies thinking about your ds and your dm than this entitled leech.

What is he like with your ds?

[bettyboop1970]

He sounds like a big attention seeking man child. It has to be all about him! Sounds like a narc and I doubt you will ever be supported by him. Perhaps you would be happier without him? I know I would. Sorry about your mum

[BitOutOfPractice]

Sorry I'm on the phone and can't see who said it but I agree with the pp who says he's sulking because he is not the centre of attention. He's trying to make it all about him. Narc much?