Downward spiral to unhappieness?

[allmixedup79]

Basically im not sure what is going on anymore and I have no one I r/l I can trust enough to talk too.
My H and I just don't seem to have much left now, I think it is more me though. We don't share the same bed and haven't for a long time, I co sleep with d/d, she doesn't need me too but we have always done this. And now I have come to not even wanting to go back to sharing the bed with H. We still have a sexual relationship but its more due to habit and routine, we don't kiss or really share much time but I think its all down to me and I don't know why anymore. Im not sure if I am in love anymore, I am the sole earner so everything is on me for the household and I think over the years I have become resentful. Reading back all these things are so petty compared to some of the topics on here, but the tensions of how I feel is making me unhappy and ill to an extent. Is there a way to fix things/help the situation?

[Crunchybadger]

I think the key is understanding the resentment. Resentment kills the love. Did you agree to work while your DH does the stay at home thing? Does he pull his weight?

Ultimately, what do you feel resentment about? If you can pinpoint that, can you talk to DH and discuss what you need from him to address the resentment?

Also, not sure how old your DD is, but it's not ideal to cosleep with her as a way to avoid your relationship. Unfortunately this strategy won't fix anything.

Good luck OP.

[allmixedup79]

The resentment stems from the pressures of keeping it all a float even during times when I have really struggled to do so he didn't offer to help me. The agreement was when D was a baby, she is now 8! He doesn't really pull his weight but this week he has all of a sudden.
My head is so missed up, it is consuming every part of my day and everything I do, I feel like im drowning.

[Crunchybadger]

OK. Tell him you're drowning. Ask to either reinstate the original agreement properly or renegotiate. If you are sleeping in with your 8 year old, I imagine he's noticed all is not well. You need to address this (assuming he is not abusive and/or violent).

If he did the majority of the home stuff, would that help? What does he do when DD is at school?

[allmixedup79]

I sometimes feel I can't approach the subject as he can be so childish about things, he knows how I feel, I have said I may even quit work to see if it would kick start him!
I know I shouldn't co sleep, I actually thought D would want to her own bed by now, I'm not sure we can get close again.

[Crunchybadger]

So he's using his moods to control you to not discuss it? Sounding more and more red flaggy I'm afraid . How does this "childish" reaction to challenge manifest itself?

This isn't fair on you on your daughter.

If you don't do anything, nothing will change. Can you really co-sleep with you daughter until she leaves home? Then what? He's got no incentive to change at the moment, if he's basically neither earning nor sorting house stuff.

If he's not abusive, don't let a bit of sulking put you off trying to sort this out.

Decide what you want, discuss it, if still not right for you, discuss splitting up.

[Dowser]

No wonder you feel resentful.

There's nothing like resentment to eat away at love. It's like it grows teeth over the years.

You need to talk but I bet part of you feels that you shouldnt even have to. He should be stepping up to the plate. :-(

[allmixedup79]

This is the problem, I feel like why should I have to point out the obvious, I think he must be able to see im struggling and have changed.

He smokes weed and can be so moody but also buries his head in sand, a man of his age should really no better.

I cant believe we have come to this but something has shifted and caused a huge change I cant ignore.

[AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat]

You are absolutely right.

Get rid of him.

Then he will have to stop smoking and get a job. Maybe then things will rekindle. But I doubt it. In any case, the current situation isn't going to get any better is it?

Kick him out, it is the best chance for both of you.

[Crunchybadger]

Unfortunately, while you are hoping he'll see the bleedin' obvious, he can just ignore it. And potentially claim "but I never realised you actually wanted me to do anything" or whatever enabling nonsense he tells himself.

If you clearly state the bleedin' obvious, plus your plan of action if things don't change, then he's got no excuses.

It's not very clear what he does do. Doesn't work, doesn't help around house, does smoke weed, does sulk.

I appreciate it's easy to get into habits in a relationship, but why are you letting this continue? He's got an easy life, successfully not helping at all while you put up with him. If you want things to change, you need to change them. Good luck.

[allmixedup79]

I have spent the last couple of years thinking this has to end, then we go through an ok patch were things go ok.

Im terrified if im honest, he isn't a cheat or abusive to an extent, the drugs and money situation I suppose isn't what many would out up with!!

Im terrified that I will end up lonely, it sounds so silly, I know, but in a way I have probably been very dependant on him for some reason. The whole situation is driving me mad!

[Crunchybadger]

Aren't you lonely now, shouldering it all, co-sleeping with your 8 year old?

Aren't you terrified of your current situation never changing?

If it's driving you mad, do something before you get there .

[allmixedup79]

I am a little lonely, I know my D is also be effected as she will wonder why she slept with her mother all life that she remembers back too.

But it almost feels like once it is said, that is it and it frightens me but im not sure why. I am not confident at all, but I am trying to makes changes and start to socialise with friends as I have not done that in many years.

Sometimes even that makes me feels a little guilty but I don't know why.

[allmixedup79]

Just a little update, he is back from his first day at "work" and delighted with himself, I feel like a complete cow for not being happy about it too.

I have shown him ads for f/t proper reliable jobs but no response.

I cant understand why I feel guilty, and why I am forgetting about my own happiness.

Sorry I just need to type it out as I don't really have friends I can talk to about this, although I am trying to build my life back up as I have not socialised in many years due to his paranoia x

[allmixedup79]

Sorry forgot to add, home in the crappiest of moods as he had not had his weed! So that also to loo forward too.

[bettyboop1970]

Why do you still sleep with 8 year old? Is it so you don't have to share a bed with him? I'm not surprised you are resentful, not working and smoking weed is a bad role model for your DD, not to mention your relationship. I don't blame you for wanting to end it. He sounds like a big child who is not responsible. I think you know what you need to do.

[MaudSedgwick]

Take some action or life will continue as it is.

Keep posting.

[Flimflammer]

Maybe he is struggling with the thought of going back to work? I know I did and felt a bit embarrassed saying to people at work that I'd been a sahm when they were working and had children younger than mine. It sounds like you are quite contemptuous of him, and his first day at "work". If a woman posted on here that her partner was dismissive of her efforts to return to work and showed her ads for " proper" jobs instead, she would get shedloads of sympathy.

Do you want to get back into bed with him? Do you still fancy him? Do you understand that the co sleeping is you involving your daughter in your relationship does,and you are using her as a shield? If so you need to talk to him with your wants and needs and make it very clear what is not acceptable. You also need to listen to him, even if it makes uncomfortable listening. Has he ever mentioned how it feels to be left alone in your bed night after night? I've been in a relationship which limped on through sexual rejections and it is devastating, its about so much more than sex. I hope you can resolve this but the one thing you have to tackle no matter what, is getting out of your daughters bed. Could you have a spring clean and rearrange her furniture, then tell her its all hers as she is a big girl?

[dementedma]

I could have written pretty much all of your posts, apart from the weed and the co-sleeping.Can only offer you sympathy t the moment but you are not alone in being in that situation.

[allmixedup79]

The work thing isn't that he is worried about being back at work, this is a job he has chosen to do and that's why he is doing it. He has made no attempt to work for many years as he doesn't like to work for others etc.

The bed thing is even when we have the opportunity to sleep together we choose not too and go our separate ways.

I think perhaps we are both limping along, but he isn't the easiest person to speak to, for instance I told him last week I hade been invited for a night out, he basically sat in silence for about 40 mins, then went to bed, things like that make me feel so crap!

[Flimflammer]

It sounds like you think its over between you. Is there any reason why you don't ask him for a separation?

[fluffapuss]

Hello Mixed

Looking from the outside, it seems like you are "sleep walking" in your home life

However good that you have decided to make some changes


Suggest take your daughter to shop, buy new childrens bedding, this is the start of day one of child sleeping alone. Establish a new bedtime routine eg bath. story, maybe buy her a new soft toy to cuddle at night

If you are the main wage earner/worker you sleep in the other bed

Your partner sleeps with you or on the couch (you will need to discuss)

Your partner works or he you ask him to leave

Stop giving your partner money for drugs

Make some new friends in real life, join a club

Make some positive changes

Good luck

[allmixedup79]

Thank you Fluffa, that actually brought a tear to my eye.

Im so scared and I don't know why. It has really hit a note that I have also done this to my daughter, I spoke with her today about her going to her own bed but of course she doesn't want to now but this is something I can work on. The difficult part is I don't want to sleep with H anymore, it has been so long and I feel it has passed the point.

I had the chance of a night out tonight, but he got kind of sulky, I now need to work myself up for a few weeks to go out as it has been so long, so I am going to try to get out very soon.

[fluffapuss]

Hello Mixed

I am glad that you are thinking about making some changes for the better for all your family

You can buy some lovely hot water bottle covers with animal characters, even glow in the dark. Although dont make it too hot, otherwise it will burn !

Ref night out, I would suggest, getting out even if you have no one to meet. Just go out for a walk, a coffee, just get some space and time away to think on your own.

A bed should be everyones safe place of sleep & sanctuary

I went on my first holiday away school trip when I was 11
Perhaps, you could use this as a way to encourage your child ?
Although, you would then have to keep the promise of a holiday...

Stay strong

Let us know how you get on over the next few weeks