Struggling to live with a depression sufferer

[LojizticallySpeaking]

I know DH is suffering, I really do but I'm struggling to cope with 2 kids and him moping around, not speaking for days, not doing anything around the house and pussy footing around his moods.

We've been together 14 years and married for 4 months, that's when it all fell apart. I resent him for talking me into marriage when I always thought we were happy, committed and settled before, that a piece of paper wouldn't change that but in actual fact its turned him into someone I don't know anymore and someone who I don't want around because its so bloody mentally and emotionally draining.

Part of me wants him to go because its getting hard for everyone to be around him, no one visits anymore because they feel so uncomfortable and they don't phone because he won't speak about anything other than his depression. But the other part says that maybe one day he'll be back, back to the man I have loved for half of my life. Its just so fucking hard, hard to try and help him, hard to keep up the charade that I'm fine and most of all its hard to watch and listen to the kids ask their Dad to play only to be told he's too exhausted and they walk away with that look of disappointment on their faces :(

[EmpressOfJurisfiction]

Is he getting any treatment?

[Quitelikely]

Is he on medication? If not he needs to make an urgent appointment with the GP to be assessed or to change his current medication because it clearly isn't working.

He sounds so dysfunctional I would not want to be around him either. It's not fair on anyone else within the household and it drains the life out of others.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Also wondering if he's been diagnosed and is in receipt of treatment. That's the first stop.

[GooseyLoosey]

Have you talked to him about this?

I only ask as I have suffered with crippling anxiety and depression over the years and a throw away comment from dh to the effect of "do you know how bloody hard it is to live with you?" triggered us having a good long look at what each of us could do to make the situation better for the other. To my shame, I was so wrapped up in my own misery, I had not really considered the impact on him.

We have reached a position now where I hide a lot of how I feel from dh. He is not there to treat me and I recognise that he should not be responsible for how I feel. I also now seek treatment earlier (when I can feel something starting) than I would otherwise do.

From dh's perspective, he has learned to treat my feelings and fears with more respect, understanding that they are very real to me and if we have got to the point that I am talking to him about them, he needs to help. I have also discussed with him what I find helpful (which he finds counter-intuitive).

Hope you can find a way through this.

[LojizticallySpeaking]

He's been on anti-stress and anxiety meds for the last 10 weeks but he's got progressively worse and last week he was signed off of work and given new meds but he was told to start them today to let the other stuff out of his system so time will tell.

I feel selfish and shit for making this all about me, a few months ago I stood in front of our families and promised to love him in sickness and health yet here I am considering that life might be better without him.

He needs somewhere and someone who can stand back and support him 24/7. I can't do that, I can't afford to be drained like that. Our children deserve better.

[LojizticallySpeaking]

Loosely I've tried speaking to him about it but it just goes in one ear and out the other, a big part of his issue is that he won't say what's wrong until he's at breaking point so I really can't do anything.

I'm sorry you've had to be on the other side, I can't imagine how dark and isolated it must make you feel and I'm sorry if this post has seemed insensitive.

Its more a chance to vent/rant on my part I think as there isn't really anyone/anywhere to turn if you're not the one with the diagnosis if that makes sense.

[Quitelikely]

Living with someone who has depression is one if the hardest things I have had to do.

Your dh needs to also take done responsibility for his day to day behaviour around others. He can do this by talking a walk for example. It is well known that exercise can help with depression. There does come a point where you have to help yourself, the meds are good but they don't have super powers, something's need to come from ones own will and IMO you have been very, very patient.

Have you told him how hard your finding it? What does he say?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not selfish or shit to say that you are not coping with someone else's mental illness. It's not selfish to ask for help or say that your children are suffering. 'In sickness and in health' doesn't mean you don't matter.

Personally, I'd talk to the GP. If he doesn't say anything until things are really bad, then you have to speak up and call them in. They'll assume all is well otherwise. There are four people in your family, not just him.

[Quitelikely]

X posted.

Tell him you need to see him taking action to give you hope.

[shovetheholly]

It's tough, tough, tough to deal with someone else's mental health issues. FWIW, OP, I don't think you're at all unusual in feeling this way. You're doing well to hold it together.

Finding the right medication can be a long haul, and it's worth seeing whether these new drugs work. Also, drugs PLUS counselling is known to be more effective than medication alone. Is there any way you can get him some talking therapy? I know there can be a reluctance among some men to go, but it can work wonders. If he's a more practical type, then something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might work really well. I know it's expensive, but isn't your marriage worth it?

[gildedcage]

It is incredibly difficult to deal with a depressed partner, and it is no surprise that partner of depressed people are at high risk of developing depression themselves.

I would echo what other posters have said in respect of the medication he is getting. I would suggest that he does need counselling and then CBT, alongside the medication, and these are things that his Dr can arrange for him. However, what I would say is that these are not for you to arrange. You can help him, if he asks for it, but it isn't your place to fix him. If he wants to get well and he is engaged in the process then he should be making these enquiries himself.

Please do not feel that you are failing. You must look after you as you could end up being unwell. Have you spoken to your family or friends about what is going on, could they help you out perhaps with some childcare etc. so that you could get some time to yourself . It is emotionally draining and you could probably do with a break from the atmosphere at home.

Also I would say do not enable bad behaviour...without projecting... I know depression is an illness not a choice, however I also know that we tend to allow too much bad behaviour on the basis that they can't help it. Actually, he may not have control over how he feels but he is in control of his actions and his words. For what its worth I have been through this and we are happy and dh is well.