Coparenting success stories?

[Bagelicious]

Does anyone have any really positive coparenting stories to share? I'm no longer in a relationship with my dc father and really trying to navigate the future in a positive way for my kids in a positive atmosphere...any advice does and donts?! Trying my best but it's a challenge at times!

[DarkHeart]

I co-parent with my ex and have done for the past 7 years. We are very successful at it now but it took a while. My advice would be to compromise lots, try not to sweat the small stuff, respect them as a parent, listen to your child as much as you can about their preferences (my son wanted to live with is dad when he was 8 so I let him go which nearly killed me but as my ex and I got on he was great about it and after a week he wanted to go back to 50/50), try to make it all about the parenting and keep your issues from the relationship has split separate:- incredibly difficult I know.

[Ratbagcatbag]

Pretty much what darkheart said.
Even if you think he's being a tosser don't say anything in front of dc.
I'm best friends with dh ex, we all get on fab, went to each others weddings etc. so it can be done.

[Mandatorymongoose]

Only from the perspective of a child.

Parents divorced when I was 9 (siblings 7 and 5). Whatever went on for them they never let us know about it. Never said rude things about each other, discussed big parenting issues and backed each other up, didn't get annoyed with us when we did the whole 'I wish I lived with other parent' thing, helped us buy gifts for the other parent, had a routine for contact but were flexible so we didnt have to choose between things like clubs or parties and contact, both came to parents evening / school plays etc., made us feel loved and valued by both of them. Basically they put us first.

We're all adults now and with some retrospect I imagine it wasn't always easy for them but they did a fantastic job. They still get on pretty well and are happy to share family occasions and do each other favours. It's something I really appreciate about them both.

[JaceyBee]

Been separated nearly 4 years now, exh lives with his gf (ow but who cares?!) and I'm single, we do about 40/60 to me currently but are flexible if one of us has work stuff, plans etc. sometimes I'll go to theirs for dinner or they'll come here and we'll all hang out together, I can't say I love this as i find her dull and him arrogant but the kids like it so I suck it up. Basically we keep the slagging off to a minimum, respect each others parenting (although we do have differing styles) and sing from the same hymn sheet on the important issues. If you leave your ego at the door and your ex isn't a complete cunt it can be done!

[CheekyWeeGandT]

We're a couple of years into it. Spent the day together today and it was fine.
I'd say try to always be nice in front of DC even when there is disagreement.
Choose your battles carefully.
As a pp said, always put needs and wellbeing of DC before everything else. We spend family days together every now and then because DC like it. There have been occasions when I've thought I'm never ever doing it again cos he has behaved like an arse but then i give it another shot and it has been better. Now it is sometimes ok, sometimes not. When it is not, i think that it is only for a few hours.
The thing to remember is that he will be in your life forevermore. Sometimes that will make you want to howl, am afraid. It means you have to play the long game and find a way to rub along. It also very very very much relies on him doing the same for you. If he doesn't, that's another ball game. Good luck OP.

[Bagelicious]

Great advice thank you so much! How do you all manage to be so balanced and zen about it, my ex still really manages to wind me up, from my perspective he's quite self centred. Today for instance I had invited him to attend a special treat outing with dc during my contact time as I knew they would like him to come. He basically tried to change all the logistics around the event to suit some other things he wanted to do that day, insisted on driving, then started bitching about the route I told him to go, parking, pulling rude faces, really juvenile. Basically in my opinion tried to ruin the day by causing a row. We arrived and suddenly with an audience it's all smiles! I'm happy to have him around to attend things together but he doesn't behave! Im so worried about messing up my dc childhood. My own was a disaster and still dealing with that as an adult!

[sixandtwothrees]

We are doing it and we are doing it well I think. The girls appear to like it and know where they stand. They (the little one more) sometimes say 'But dad lets me do x' or 'I wish we all still lived together' but you basically hold your own line for the former (which is far easier to do consistently when you are separated than when you are with someone who undermines you - RESULT!!!) or discuss sensitively (the latter).

We do 4 days with me 3 days with him and we live nearby and we do all their birthdays, xmas, special occasions, parents eves, concerts etc together because we are their parents and that's what parents do. We have a very open house policy if his gf is around when he picks up they both come for coffee. If my bf is around it's the same.

However, if he was being a dickhead about something as simple as one event like yours I would not flog myself to be around him and change arrangements to suit him... Open the invite to special occasions, but make your own arrangements - there's no need to travel together and spend over and above the necessary amount of time together if he's doing your head in. These are tweaks that you make over time as you get to learn how much of him you can deal with, and then you get zen like about it. Exh will change arrangements so that he loses significant time with the girls, so he can attend sporting events, then moan to others about how little he sees them!!!! It isn't my responsibility to fix that, so for them, I just make sure that when they're with me I don't put other shit first, but I don't ruin my own plans to accommodate his hobbies.

There are always gripes and games and things that piss me off but I basically vent at others (not the dds) about that and raise issues/step in only if I think they are serious e.g. dd1, 14, having a party at his house and he had put no limits on how many kids invited, intended to go out and leave them to it, and thought they were not going to bring alcohol.... Pahahahahah!!

The point is about making sure you operate on broadly shared principles of what's best for them but that all that spadework is done backstage not in front of them, even making some rules explicit so less resentment builds, like 'you do spellings and english homework I'll do timestables and maths homework'. That simple, and out loud. Also maintaining open enough, regular communication about the children that you can raise problems without it being really awkward. So e.g. we talk often about how is dd2 getting on at after school club because she hates it some days and we need to work on an alternative plan. If we weren't checking in about it regularly it would be really difficult to discuss the background to it when trying to arrange something else. (Not that he would arrange it in a million years - but there's an example of gripe I don't rave at him about I just make sure he is part of the conversation and the decision).

I miss them horribly and it still feels weird when the dds are not there but it's only been two years and I have lots of nice times doing other stuff I never used to do when I was married, like see people, go away for weekends, and have a normal adult relationship with my bf with lots of sex and both my girls are really happy to see us both happy with other people which is really nice.

[getthefeckouttahere]

I have 50/50 care with my ex. It works for us. A few pointers that helped us.

We firmly put our children first, above our own needs and feelings.

We unfailingly support each other in the parenting decisions we make (even if we don't agree with them and even if they were made without consultation.)
We try to deal with all important stuff together. Presenting a united front.

We NEVER argue in front of the kids. EVER.

We pour as much love as we can into the kids, we want them to feel loved cherished and secure despite what happened to their parents.

We do all birthday parties, school stuff, etc together but we don't do outside socialising as a 'family'. We tried that, including a holiday, but the kids found it very confusing so we no longer do it.

It involves the occasional biting of ones tongue and patience when you are feeling a bit 'meh' about the ex. It helps that i respect my ex's ability as a fantastic parent and i hope that she would say the same about me. It helps that we are 4 years down the line and have no real areas of conflict now. Your situation sounds somewhat different.

[JaceyBee]

I should probably start a different thread on this sometime but does anyone find co-parenting much harder if you don't lice in the same town as your ex? I do currently but am thinking of moving to one 50 mins or so away, not sure if the distance will make things worse or better?!

OP it sounds as though you are doing a really good job, your ex less so! You don't have to be friends as such, just pleasant in a detached way. Invite him to things but don't go over board to facilitate his prensence iyswim, ifrom its important to him he'll get there otherwise he'll do his own thing with them on his time.

Can I ask how long you've been separated for? (Sorry if you've already said!)