Different parenting styles

[BeeInYourBonnet]

DH is too strict with the DCs IMO. He is easily frustrated,impatient and riled by their behaviour to the point where I feel he has lost the joy of being a parent.
Tbf the DCs can be badly behaved, although not terribly so. DD can be very melodramatic, and DS can be cheeky and VERY stubborn. DS's teacher has commented that he can be difficult, although he is very endearing, so DH is not necessarily wrong in expecting better behaviour.

I am not soft at all, but I guess I am more patient (DH thinks I let them get away with murder) and don't like every minute of every day to be angst filled.

The two main issues which tbh cause constant disagreement are:

1. DH expects almost Victorian acquiescence. Very little talking at the dinner table (although tbf DS is a poor eater food procrastinator), no talking if watching a (kids) film. He gets frustrated if the DCs hang around us a lot (for example he's annoyed if they linger aimlessly whilst DH and I are chatting) and gets very annoyed with any interruption ( IMO they often linger waiting for us to finish our conversation).
   

1. DH will rant at me about the DCs behaviour almost as though I am solely responsible for it/them. E.g. DS will be cheeky, and DH will then moan to me for 10 mins about how he's fed up with the cheek. So I gave to put up with DSs behaviour AND DHs ranting.
   

Its all very wearing. What can be done? It is getting me to the point where I just don't want any family time.

[MumsyFoxy]

I could have written an almost identical post, BeenInYourBonnet!
Shamelessly marking my place here to read and take inspiration!

[BeeInYourBonnet]

Bump

[Idiotdh]

I would just suggest to him that yes, firmness has its place but there are many other aspects to parenting.. Setting a good example, encouraging good behaviour and learning new skills, enjoyment, modelling ways of dealing with situations. As a parent he has his own skillet to learn..being fair, self control, patience ,as well as being firm.

[pointythings]

You need to sit down and tell your DH that his Victorian ideas of parenting are no longer of this time, I'm afraid. Simply put - he is wrong in everything you have listed in point 1, and then to rant at you as in point 2 only adds to that. Everything you describe sounds like - er - children behaving like children. Oh, Heaven forfend that your DC should actually want to be with you - no, he calls it 'hanging around you'. Serious conversation is called for, and don't back down.

Having said all that, this was my DH when DD2 came along and DD1 was dealing with toddler jealousy. He tried to hark back to his own parenting - very strict 1950s style - and it did not work.

However, when he saw that my firm, calm consistent setting of boundaries did work, he learned. Neither of us were perfect back then and we are still not perfect, but at least he was willing to learn. He still has a ways to go - I had to tell him to have a little more empathy with DD1 when her Kindle died this morning (she loves it, it is going to have to be replaced, she was unhappy when he came in because hey, she'd only heart 10 minutes before that her gadget had died and he berated her for being in a mood). So I got a bit stern with him and he apologised. And cleaned the cooker too!

What will you do if your DH is not willing to learn - that is something you may want to think about.

[Idiotdh]

Skill set

[BeeInYourBonnet]

You have hit on my main issue pointythings. DH is generally objecting to the children being children

He had a strict upbringing, and equates this with good behaviour. He can be a lovely caring parent. But he (and the DCs!) Miss out a lot as a result of his attempt at achieving behavioural perfection. Sigh!

[pointythings]

That's the toughest situation, Bee. But you have to stand firm and be strong. I get the impression that your DCs are still quite small - DH and I have been having these skirmishes for 12 years now and today just highlighted that we are by no means there yet. But and this is a big but - my DH listened to evidence and changed when he saw it in practice. Yours sounds harder work - very much of the 'children should be seen and not heard' school of thought. It's horrible, but you have to fight their corner here. Firm and consistent is good, young children thrive on consistency. Not understanding that children are children is downright bad. Has he done any reading on normal stages of child development and behaviour and how to deal with it? There's a lot of good literature on the subject. However, unless he accepts that he still has things to learn, the only thing to do with the books is whack him on the head with them.

Believe me, I've come close a few times and this morning I was pretty damn close again. DH and teenage girls - not a good combo.

[BeeInYourBonnet]

DCs are 5 & 8. When they were toddlers we never had any parenting disagreements. Its just been the past few years, where I think DH's behaviour expectations have raised hugely. DS does push DHs buttons ( they are very similar) and I think I am probably softer on DS than DD, as I have become more relaxed about which battles to fight iyswim!

There are times when DH is the calmer parent ( I tend to lose it sometimes when I have had a day of my patience being constantly tested) but he is definitely more consistently strict.

DH and I have talked a lot recently about him having autistic tendencies. He is quite antisocial, doesn't really 'enjoy' other people, would probably be quite happy as a hermit, struggles a bit with empathy in certain situations (good with me though) and is very black and white. He gets quite overcome by social occasions and times when you have to struggle to be heard. The DCs and I are quite loud ( it has been mentioned by others, not by DH!), as are my extended family. I often think my DH wishes he could be airlifted out of our noisy, fight to be heard, emotional family, into a family of people who sit quietly reading and knitting!!!!

[BeeInYourBonnet]

I don't know where the compromise lies. DH already feels like he is a bit sidelined and that I undermine him. I TRY not to, but do sometimes and the DCs do play on this - e.g. DD will make disparaging remarks about DH.

When i have really put my foot down, DH has zoned out for a while, and left everything to me in a kind of 'on your head be it' way, for a while. Then things have got a bit better, and then back to normal.

[FATEdestiny]

My best friend and her two children (and her Mum) are all really loud. I love them to pieces but cannot bear to be in their company for more than a couple of hours.

I have four children, yet our house is mostly calm. There's always lots of playing happening, Calm and more muted (I wouldn't say quiet) does not mean no fun. I can definitely identify with "I often think my DH wishes he could be airlifted out of our noisy, fight to be heard, emotional family..."

So onto your parenting differences.

Leading by example is what I would suggest. You do not need to leave your husband to do all the rule setting and discipline. Fir example:

• Your DH doesn't like a noisy mealtime. You don't like a silent mealtime. So when the children start shouting or being loud, you are firm and suggest they talk calmly and in normally. This is a compromise to everyone. If the children do not talk calmly and raise their voices - you issue the warning and you follow through.

Lead by example in this way and your DH will see compromise in action and fair, clear consequences and action to deal with issues.

• Your DH doesn't like the children hanging around when you are having an adult conversation (neither do I - DH & I are allowed some child-free conversations). So you lead by example by giving the children quality attention at other times so that on the few times you are talking with DH you can fairly and reasonably say "Daddy & I are talking now, unless it is urgent I will come to speak to you in 5 minutes." Expect the child to leave you be and give consequences if they don't. But follow through on your promise - go to them after 5 minutes and offer the child your full attention (in the same way DH had your full attention when he was talking).

If you start finding the compromises and parenting in a way that clearly works - your DH will see it working and may well be lead by you in the way he interacts with your children.

[BeeInYourBonnet]

Thanks FATE, that is really useful advice.

I think a compromise is possible, but that we are entrenched in our own PoV at the moment. For example DCs have woken up early, tried their best to be quiet, and have got on well with each other. DS has just come in to ask us something in a loudish stage whisper! DH immediately said 'DS that is NOT a whisper!' , which I thought was slightly unfair as he was trying his best to be quiet, albeit not very successfully! I then fought the urge to raise this with DH but didnt , as wanted to start the day positively.

Its not necessarily even about DH getting annoyed by these little things, is that his whole day is spent being exasperated. However it is fair to say he and the DCs seem to get on a lot better when I'm not around!

[notsogoldenoldie]

Tbh I think you both need to critique your parenting styles, and find some common ground pronto. Your dh sounds like me, a bit. Shouting at each other to gain attention? Interrupting your adult conversations? Making disparaging remarks about a parent? I would find this sort of behaviour very difficult to live with, too??. To be fair to your h, I don't think this is just about parenting styles; you sound to me as though your attitudes to parenting are being shaped by your personalities. You're "loud" by your own admission; your husband sounds rather more introverted. Interesting that you say that he copes better when you're not there. Just wondering: how do you interract with each other without the kids?

I'm introverted and find noisy people, including children, very wearing. Your dh sounds similar: have you asked him why he feels exasperated?

[dashoflime]

I have similar battles with DH. He is quite rigid in what he expects and (imo) a bit harsh in how he expresses it. So if DS is throwing food from the highchair DH might shout "No!" wheras I will say "You dont have to do that Ds, you say "all done" and I will come and take the food away"
It winds me up to hear them interacting because (to my mind) DH seems to provoke confrontations that dont need to happen and sets up a sort of battle of wills. When Ds is with me, things run more smoothly and we rarely have temper or tears- Either of us!
Otoh: DS does seem to have learnt some useful behavior from DH. He lies still and places his hands on his head for nappy change. He also walks nicely holding an adults hand. These are things DH has drummed into him, not me, so there are clearly some advantages to the disciplinarian approach!
I wonder if parenting classes might be a good idea. DH once suggested to me that we go, on the grounds that "we need to teach the boy discipline". I had a sneeky google of the syllabus and twigged that the course was likely to back up my parenting style not his! Of course I was very supportive of his good idea after that! Sadly it didnt happen in the end due to availability issues. I still have it up my sleeve if the conflict gets out of hand though!

[BeeInYourBonnet]

Thanks notsogoldenoldie. Some food for thought. DH and I get on pretty well as a rule, although we are very different people (DH stubborn, introverted, me loud and emotional!).

Dashoflime, you have hit the nail on the head. My DH is not of the opinion that things should be explained to the DCs behaviour-wise. He sees this as negotiating, and that 'its No cos I said its No' is enough.

The DCs are really quite well behaved in the most part, but get overexcited and demanding at times ( don't all DCs?). I am not actually a very permissive parent, and think actually most of my friends and family would think I vere towards the strict side. But I tend to be a lot more empathetic than DH. Much more likely I guess to think that, at times, bad behaviour is down to tiredness, over excitement, hunger etc. And so I try to find solutions that reinforce that the behaviour is unacceptable but also try to manage a solution.

So if DS is in a terrible mood after Beavers, as a result of tiredness and over excitement, I will ask him to calm down, stop being mood because its not fair on the rest of the family, and to go and watch some TV quietly, or sit in his room and have a quiet play, or even just have a cuddle and an early night. DH will get very cross and say 'DS you will not be going to Beavers if you are in a bad mood every week afterwards. We are fed up with this behaviour and you need to stop being so naughty immediately. I will not put up with this behaviour EVERY SINGLE WEEK!' This will then send DS into floods of tears, and the evening will spiral from there. I don't disagree that DH is right to be annoyed, but it doesn't really achieve anything. DH will then spend half an hour telling me how fed up he is with DSs behaviour, how we need to put our foot down, stop him going to beavers etc etc.

[Quitelikely]

In this house, only one parent at a time deals with a problem. So if my dh is sorting it out then I leave it to him. I'm not going to criticise his approach because it isn't wrong it's just different. It's not fair or right to start attacking his approach.

Kids do pick up on which parent is more strict, who will tolerate what and so on and IMO that's ok.

We both know our end goal is always the same.

Dh is more shouty than me and stricter in certain areas, hot on homework for example. So I let him deal with that side of things. It works for us.

I don't think you can make each other parent identical though!