Verge on splitting

[Feelinghelpless2]

Hi all, new to this forum but looking for some honest opinions. I've been married for 3 years, together for 6. I have a 22 year old from a previous relationship who has finished uni and now moved back home. We've always had a relationship where we argue a lot but the good times make up for the bad times. He hasnt got children and he finds it difficult to accept how my son behaves, he's not a bad lad and goes out to work, pays board but he is a typical teenager (albeit now 22) in that's he's messy, inconsiderate, noisy etc. My OH is constantly moaning about my son and I'm constantly trying to keep the peace. To make matters worse my son picks up on my OH behaviour and thinks he's an idiot and doesn't understand why I put up with it. My OH can be quite harsh and he is easily irritated by neighbours, bad drivers etc whilst I'm a bit more easy come, easy go. Anyway things have come to a head tonight and he's said he's had enough, can't live with us anymore as its affecting his health and he feels unhappy. There has been a lot more that's gone on but I'd be here all day writing! I don't know whether I'm relieved he's said that or not?! I don't want to lose my marriage but I feel at the end of my tether and fed up crying myself to sleep most nights. Any help, guidance would be great. I have friends but no one close enough to divulge how I feel and to the outside my marriage is a good one and I'm ashamed to admit any different.

[AnyFucker]

I think I'd let him go, tbh

I bet he isn't really leaving though

[NollaigShona]

Hmm. Difficult.
Is your son really that bad or is your DH just using the situation as a lever to emotionally abuse you?
I am with AF, though.

[YvyB]

"He's messy, inconsiderate, noisy etc." Why is he allowed to be? He's an adult now - surely that means he should be expected to behave in an adult way? Have you and your OH agreed on some ground rules? If your son was renting elsewhere he'd have to accept terms and conditions.

To be honest, I think you should do what YOU want. Who do you want to live with in the future? You've done the parenting bit - if you want to prioritise life with your OH, you have every right to explain to your son that his behaviour is causing friction in your relationship. If, on the other hand, you are starting to see a side to your OH that you really don't like then you owe it to yourself to make a change.

The only person who can make you a martyr in this situation is you.

[Dowser]

If your son goes and there's no reason why he shouldn't , he can leave in a good way.

Help him to find a flat. Maybe he will need a flat mate to share bills. Help him with some stuff to set it up.

My son left after a row but we did it in a nice way. He found a flat. We helped him set it up.

Then he had to come home when the flat mate went back to his home and he couldn't afford the rent, but he came back more thoughtful etc

See it not as an end but a new beginning. Do you think your situation will improve when he goes.

All the mums I know say the atmosphere improves when the two stags are separated ( dad and eldest/ only son) .

It gives them time to reflect and appreciate what they had especially when money is tight. You can't have that experience while under your parents roof.

Young Men were not meant to live with their parents. In tribal communities they get their own place and their own woman when they are about 14 . They hang on too long in the family home in western society.

My son came back and six months later he was off again. Boomerang kids but that's when he grew up.

[Dowser]

It's all in those first sentences. He's not a bad lad but he's messy like a teenager.

It's so wrong. This isn't a criticism of you. It just seems to happen so much with our grown up men children.

Your OH might see all of this and as the older male just sees it as all wrong . My OH would be fit to be tied.

I hope he calms down if your son leaves and his anger and resentment isn't escaping with comments over neighbours, bad drivers etc. I think he's given vent to his feelings.

My cousin has brought up 3 stepsons and they drive him mental. Half the rows in the house are caused because of the friction. One left and the the situation eased and then came back because he and his GF split up. Situation back to square one.

The economic situation means I think it's going to get worse before it gets better. These boy men are going to be arou d their parents into their thirties!!! Maybe forties!!!

[Flimflammer]

I wouldn't be happy to have a noisy messy person who is perfectly able to run their own home, move into my house and behave in an inconsiderate way. I wouldn't even want a considerate person to move in. Do you think the relationship with your husband is beyond repair? If not I would talk go your son about how long he can stay and set a deadline for him to find somewhere else to live. This should be a time limit which is acceptable to everyone, and if your husband can't be a bit flexible I think you might have to think again, because your kids always need you and you will always want to step in.

While he is living with you your son has to respect the way of life you live as a couple., or you should tell him to go, for the sake of your marriage. If you can salvage your relationship and its what you want, put that first.

Honestly, the ease with which some posters advise ending marriages round here is incredible.

[AnyFucker]

flim. ..if a bloke said he is leaving what would your advice be

beg him to stay ?

[Flimflammer]

He told his wife he couldn't live with"us" and the situation is making him unhappy. I quite often make dramatic statements to make my point, and it sounds to me that the husband is doing this. No mother wants her son living with her permanently and no healthy young man wants to live with his parents beyond mid 20s if its possible to be independent. The solution to this problem is for the son to be more considerate, and for the husband to tolerate his presence knowing it is a short term issue. Not every fart has to end a marriage, even really stinky ones can be forgiven.

If OP is happy to end her marriage,that's different. But her son will have moved on within a few years, so if his living in her house is what's causing the problem, it will sort itself out.

[Anacoreta]

If he wants to go, then he goes. But if he is leaving because he is up to his neck of inconsiderate and disrespectful behaviour from a man (that's the son), who can pay to live somewhere else, I think the partner is totally entitled to feel like that.

[Feelinghelpless2]

Hi, thanks for all your messages. I don't think my son is that bad but then I'm his Mum. This mornings he's left the house and said he's going to look for somewhere to rent, I feel heartbroken. Why doesn't he want to save our marriage. He is justified in the way he feels and I know things haven't always been easy but I want him to fight to save our marriage. Should I talk to my son about the impact he's having? I don't want him to feel he's the only factor because he's not. My OH feels I'm moody, argumentative and u admit I can be. But it's because of all that's going on, how do I break this cycle. I feel so lovely, sad and helpless.

[Feelinghelpless2]

Sorry that last bit should say lonely, I'm far from feeling lovely....

[Flimflammer]

How do you feel about it now, last night you weren't sure whether to be glad he had said it was over. Can you have a reasonable discussion with himM, or has he found somewhere else?

[Flimflammer]

Sorry to be so terse, typed a reply 3 times and lost it every time

[Anacoreta]

I'm really surprised that you are asking if you need to tak with your son abut the effect he is having. If course you need to, I'm shocked that you haven't already.

You also need to talk to your partner, because if this is the main reason why he wants to leave, then it can be easily sorted by setting some clear boundaries/house rules. And realise that you are the one who has to enforce them (if your DH were to take that role, things would get much worse between them)