Hello everyone,
First post here. I'm posting because I'm unsure what to do about a friendship I have.
Backstory: my friend (DF) and I have been friends since we are 11 years old, we're 27 now. In those years we've done so much together, went through a lot of difficult moments, etc. Not that it's really relevant, but he's a gay man.
Anyway, since we were 14 or so he's had a lot of mental health troubles. I'm also prone to depression and lots of sudden mood swings (I had a horrific puberty as well) so we always kind of understood each other. He has always been MUCH more extreme. It's always all or nothing. He can get a sudden idea in his head and have to act on it RIGHT. NOW. This has lead to him pUtting himself in danger, impulse buying pets, breaking bridges with others, etc... Not always easy to be around, but I've always loved him no matter what.
However, when he was around 16 he also started drinking very heavily. Again, this also came and went in phases, sometimes he'd quit drinking for months on end but once he starts again he always seems to try to fit all the "missed alcohol" in a couple of days. As the years went on his drinking became more and more worrisome to me, I'm not exactly an angel either but I have calmed down the past 2 years, it was more of a phase to me. I'm convinced he's a serious alcoholic, of course he wouldn't agree, but I suppose that's the nature of the disease.
Things came to a head at the beginning of this year when he was admitted to the psych ward after a suicide attempt. After this he spent 5 months in a "mental health hospital" (sorry, English isn't my first language and can't think of the word I'm looking for right now). During this time he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and everything just clicked into place for me. It certainly explained a lot of his erratic behaviour.
During this time he also had to stop drinking and do a lot of hard work, I was honestly super proud of how well he was doing.
He came home two months ago and since then it's like he never went there at all, he started drinking again and it's probably even worse than before. I think he does a lot of secret drinking as well. Not to mention that he can become super mean and nasty and sometimes says very hurtful things when he's drunk, I've always just glanced over this, but tbh I can't take it any more.
I've been actively avoiding him for the last two months. I feel so horrendously guilty about this. I've always stood by him through thick and thin but I'm so disappointed that we're here again. At the same time I feel that this is also due to him being bipolar AND an alcoholic, and that it's not all his fault... But I can't look at this car crash anymore. He just came by my place and we hadn't seen each other for 3 weeks, which is VERY long for us (we live nearby and I've been out of work for a while, in a different era we would probably have seen each other every day) and it was like making stilted conversation with.a stranger. He also drank a litre of wine by himself in the 2 hours he was here. I was so glad and relieved when he left.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm asking. Just wanted somewhere to vent as well. I honestly always thought we would be friends till the end of time. It really breaks my heart that I feel this way. I don't even know what I want him to do, I never thought he would suddenly become the poster child for having your shit together, but it's like he's not even vaguely trying.
Am I being a bitch? Has the friendship run its course or do we perhaps just need some space for a while? Anyone who can give me any tips?
Thanks for reading and sorry it turned out so long.
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Don't know how to deal with a friendship anymore
19 replies
sittingonthesurface · 23/12/2014 22:49
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