My own mother is prejudiced

[wannaBe1974]

I?ve posted about my mother before. Basically she?s very controlling, resents my independence and imo has never come to terms with the fact that I can?t see. My sister is a younger version of her, although my sister is much more diplomatic.

Since I had ds she has said various things to me .. that I couldn?t possibly have two close together a I wouldn?t be able to cope, despite the fact I coped very well with one, that I shouldn?t let ds ride his bike because I can?t see him, I took no notice, and worst of all was the fact she always said I couldn?t expect others to ever let me look after their children because people wouldn?t feel comfortable letting someone like me look after their children. Now on that point I absolutely appreciate why someone who doesn?t know me would feel perhaps a bit uncomfortable letting someone with no sight look after their children, but although I do understand that it still always hurt to be told it by my own mother. However, today I was taking ds to preschool and on the way we met one of his little friends and her mum. As we reached the shops, the little girl?s mum suddenly said that she had to go into the shop. My ds and little girl were chatting so I asked the little girl if she?d like to walk with me to preschool, and her mum let her come with me without any hesitation what so ever. That has done wonders for me, but has also proved to me what I?ve suspected for a long time, that my own mother is prejudiced.

[lulumama]

do you think that her control and prejudice is misguided way of protecting you from too much stress......and maybe she finds it hard to accept exactly how much you are capable of doing,,,,and projecting her own worries and fears onto you.

[lulumama]

do you think that her control and prejudice is misguided way of protecting you from too much stress......and maybe she finds it hard to accept exactly how much you are capable of doing,,,,and projecting her own worries and fears onto you.

[hester]

wannaBe, I'm so sorry your mum has been undermining, and so pleased that you got proof that she is wrong.

I'd let you walk my dd to preschool too

[bluejelly]

That's sad wannabe... IME controlling people will find a reason to control in whatever way they can, so if it wasn't the sight, there would be some other way of undermining you
Anyway sounds like you are really happy and sorted in yourself anyway, which is the main thing.

[wannaBe1974]

I think in her heart she always said she wanted me to be independent, but i think she thought I never would be iyswim? and the more she tries to control my life, the more I resisted.

[nearlythree]

I suspect your mum spent most of your life convinced of the 'truth' of the things she says to you. Now that you have proven her wrong, she's realised just how much she's missed out on with you, and can't accept that she has been so stupidly mistaken. Hence her need to keep trying to undermine you. Well, you have proved her wrong. Carry on enjoying life, and feel sorry for your mum's narrow-mindedness.

[DracsTroubleAndStrife]

WannaBe, I knew that you couldn't see, but I also know from your post's that you are a strong independent woman, ready to tackle anything that comes along.
I would not hesitate in leaving a child of mine with you, please dont let your Mum drag you down.
{{{{{hugsx]]]]]

[edam]

That's heart-rending wannaBe. Your mother should support you, not be cruel to you.

Do you think when you were tiny, doctors told her you'd never be able to live independently or something? Attitudes to disability have changed a lot over the last few decades. Maybe she got to like the idea you'd always depend on her and resents the fact that you have your own life.

[throckenholt]

your mother sounds like she is doing what a lot of people would do - projecting her own doubts of how she would cope in the same situation on to you.

She really has no idea how it is to be blind - and so has very little appreciation of what it feels like to be you.

She probably doesn't even realise that these comments over the years have upset you and sometimes made you doubt your own judgement.

[Jimjams2]

wannabe- I had some interesting training a couple of weeks ago. We had to think about a negative belief about our child that we had (so mine was that ds1 will never talk). We then had to look at why we had that thought and also examined how it was based on incorrect assumptions.

So anyway I went home after a few days and found that my interactions with ds1 had changed enormously in some ways. Which was kind of weird, and quite thought provoking (especially given how ds1 responded).

If your mother has had years of false beliefs (probably stemming from stuff she was told- I for example was told frequently that if ds1 didn't speak by 5 he would never speak) then it might almost be a safety net for her. Escpeciallly given some of the decisions she made because of your blindness. If she accepts she was wrong then she has hell of a lot to deal with iyswim. Shes probably frightened of seeing how well you cope and how full your life is because its threatens her version of reality and the choices she made. She almost needs you to be dependent.

None of which helps you. Would she look for a counsellor, ro would she go ballistic if you suggested it. I do think that's its hard to change without having some outside help. Have you told her your friend was happy for her girl to come with you? Maybe the more she discovers things like that the more you'll chip away at her attitudes.