Partner won't sleep with me

[TweedAddict]

I'm so upset. This has been going on for a few months, he won't touch me at all. And when he does eventually kiss or cuddle me it just seems so forced. I end up crying myself to sleep most nights. He says I'm his all, he loves me, doesn't want to be without me. I don't know what to do, I feel so worthless, I've told him how I feel, he says he's sorry and he will sort it; but weeks on nothing. Any advice?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sorry you're so upset. Can you flesh out the context a little? How long have you been together? Is this a recent thing?

[Minime85]

Hi tweed. Sounds very sad. Have you tried to talk to him about why? Ways to be intimate again? My stbexh dos this and it wasn't because there was anyone else he just didn't love me anymore. It took almost 6 months to finally get him to admit that. What does your gut instinct tell you?

[TweedAddict]

Been together just over 2 years, due to get married next August. I don't know what my gut is telling me to be honest. I'm so confused

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

Time to get out.

[NancyJones]

Do not get married under these circumstances. There are 3 possibilities it can think of:

1. He has a physical or psychological condition which is either suppressing his sex drive or causing some form of erectile dysfunction. Does he seem depressed or unwell?
   
2. He has met someone else and is totally besotted by them to the extent that he cannot be with anyone else.
   
3. He is gay or struggling with his sexuality.
   
   I think if he was just fooling around and being unfaithful he'd still want sex with you. You need to sit down and talk it out.

[Suckitup]

Number 4) could simply be, he has gone off you, feelings changed, doesn't love you any more and from what you say this could be the most likely.

[AltheaVestrit]

He's not really your partner then, is he?

Don't settle for t/his crap. Hoik up your big girl pants and take steps to sort it (the ball's in his court here) or separate.

No one is better than anyone, especially when such a basic human need is considerably dysfunctional.

[TweedAddict]

He keeps going on about having a life together. He's made plans to view a house to buy tomorrow. He says he still finds me attractive and sexy, and wants to sleep with me. But he just doesn't

[joanofarchitrave]

I want to read Anna Karenina. I've been wanting to read it for 25 years. I have a nice copy next to my bed which DH bought me specially. I never have though, because it's a bit intimidating and because it's not really that important to me whether I read it or not.

It's not a thing he can just 'sort' - that sounds like something he said to shut the conversation down. This is something you need to talk about. Has he had girlfriends before? what happened in those relationships? What does he think of when he thinks you might want to have sex?

[TweedAddict]

I'm his first proper relationship, longest too, the only one he has livid with. Most of his other relationships they have cheated on him, or just walked away without saying anything to him. His last relationship broke up because she livid away and wanted him to move and he didn't want too so thats how that one finished

[overslept]

Wow.... it didn't take long for people to suggest you must leave him, he is seeing somebody else, doesn't love you any more or is gay .

OP you need to ask him, you plan to marry this man you must talk to him about these things. Try not to get too emotional about it when you bring it up, he may already be upset and embarrassed himself. Just talk about it calmly, ask him to explain. It really is all you can do as only he knows why. You can't address the issue until you know what is causing it and wild speculation by people looking for some drama on the internet won't help!

[saltnpepa]

Is there weed involved?

[TweedAddict]

No drugs or alcohol of any kind, we don't drink at all, both don't like the taste.

[mutternutter]

Another woman?

[TweedAddict]

Definitely not another women, works from home.

[getthefeckouttahere]

errrmmm, do not buy a new house with this man until this matter is resolved. Counselling would be my choice, but it cannot just be left to become the norm.

[NancyJones]

I'm not looking for drama of any sort! That doesn't mean that a man who appears to have limited experience of women and who whilst proclaiming love, avoids sex, isn't in fact struggling with his sexuality. That does actually happen in the real world and did to me, albeit we were both 18. I actually put that last because I think my point (1) is far more likely. And I did suggest the OP talk to him. No need to jump on your high horse. I'm hardly a regular on this board let alone one who always cries 'gay' or LTB.

[Granville72]

When you say wont 'sleep with you' do you mean in a sexual manner - doesn't want to have sex with you or share a bed with you to sleep in?

[Granville72]

If it's of the sexual nature is there -
anything that stands out that may have triggered it?
Can you pin point it to a certain time or event?
Is it possible he has a physical problem he's embarrassed about or feels awkward talking to you about (erection problems maybe)
How was your sex life together before this happened?

[TweedAddict]

It would be his name solely on the deeds. My ex ruined my credit rating, all sorted now just got to wait for it clear.

Granville: I mean sex

Sex life before was slow but okay.

[TweedAddict]

Nancy I've asked him before if he was gay, during one of our chats about it, always said no.

[overslept]

I just hate how what could be a simple thing gets blown out of reality NancyJones. From him not having an interest in sex, within a handful of posts it had basically been suggested that OP's DP must be gay and on drugs, whilst having an affair (who knows if with a man or a woman). It turns in to mass hysteria.

If I hadn't been having sex with my DP and he posted on a forum who within 20 posts had said that I was having an affair, possibly a lesbian and smoked weed I'd stare in disbelief and then laugh at how from not being "in the mood", those ere the first suggestions way before anything sensible .

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Was the absence of physical intimacy the reason you asked if he was gay OP or was it something else that made you ask that particular question?

People's sex drives differ and that doesn't necessarily mean they are bad people, sexually conflicted or that one has stopped fancying or loving the other. That said, if you're thinking about a long term relationship with someone it's really important that your approach to intimacy matches reasonably well at the start. Because, if they don't, it doesn't tend to get better... only worse.

So please talk to each other, be honest about how rejection makes you feel and don't allow yourself to be brushed aside. This is important.

[TweedAddict]

I asked because it has been months since any contact, asked all the other questions. "Do you still love me", "want me" "find me sexy". I've compared myself against his other girlfriends, I've torn my heart out to him. Aaking if he was gay was a needle in the hay stack while I try to get my head around this, at least if he was I would have a honest answer

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Was just trying to establish if you had specific suspicions about his sexuality based on other signs or .. which it sounds like... you were casting around clutching at straws.

Ultimately, if any important aspect of your relationship is making you desperately unhappy and you're not getting satisfactory explanations or solutions, you're not really left with many options.