Weird sudden flirting(??) and now the cold shoulder from colleague

[confusedandfedupp]

I’ve worked with someone for about the last year and a few months ago he started to go a bit strange and seemed to get a bit sex obsessed and went from just normal everyday conversations to really bad innuendo, odd comments on my body, questions about my sex life and even sent me an out of the blue link to a ’Sex position of the day’ article with ‘Wanna try? wink wink’ written below it.

I ignored it all for a while and I didn’t take it as him seriously trying it on as he’s married and there’s never been any spark or attraction there even if he wasn't but the later stuff like those emails started to make me feel a bit uncomfortable and that he was going too far.

It came to a head when we got told we had to go to an event that would involve in a nights stay away and he spent the day dropping hints about hotel rooms and him not ending up in his. I eventually got fed up and snapped at him that there was no chance that he’d be ending up in mine and could he stop going on about it and acting like a horny teenager. He just said ‘fine’ and then sulked in silence for the rest of the day and since then its been awful and really awkward between us. He now acts as if he really dislikes me, talks to me as little as he can get away with and he’s taking a day off just to avoid this event.

I did try and bring it up and apologised if i’d offended him but he said i hadn’t and that he’d been joking but has continued to ignore me.

I’m not sure what I’m really asking, just don’t know what to make of it or what to do now, it’s really starting to make me dread going to work but I don’t want to make this a work issue as career wise this is the best team for me to be working in right now. I would like it just to go back to normal but i don’t know how to make that happen.

[Dirtybadger]

Speak to HR? He was sexually harassing you. I understand it's slightly more awkward now as it's "passed" somewhat now but it is seriously not okay for anyone to make their colleagues feel intimated/harassed and then to attempt to make them feel guilty about enforcing some professional boundaries. He shouldn't get away with it. Someone needs to have a word with him (at least). If you have the evidence I would try not to worry too much about the repercussions, he can't deny it. You won't lose any professional integrity. People have probably noticed him being weird. If you work for a decent organisation they should support you and send this guy to the back room to play with the shredder wearing a very long tie

[WildBillfemale]

It's called Harassment - Don't delete the e-mails, they are evidence if he carries on making your life difficult.

Stop trying to repair the work relationship, he should be doing that. You've done nothing wrong - he is an arse.

Could you confide in a trusted colleague? just to make someone aware.
You say the moment has passed and you don't wish to make a complaint. As above poster has said you have the evidence so he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

If the situation is making you uncomfortable going to work the you may need to chat to someone in authority. Be aware that it's a possibility (and I hate to say this) but from what I've seen though most places may 'have a chat' with the offender they rarely take it further. IME harassment procedures are there to protect the company in case of the victim taking legal action not to protect the staff being harassed.

In future learn to nip this stuff in the bud, Make it clear from the off that their behaviour isn't acceptable. Don't put up with it until you explode.

e.g when comments are made about your body or questions about your sex life, get angry, tell him to Fuck off and mind his own business, when sent smutty innuendos with pictures of sex position of the week reply with one word 'Innapropriate'. Have strong boundaries and make it clear behaviour is unacceptable. Don't be embarassed doing this, who cares if an arse doesn't like it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's the harassment that should have set the alarm bells ringing. Don't avoid going to work & certainly don't apologise. Tell him to grow up and, if he carries on behaving so badly that it's affecting your ability to do your job, report him to your line manager.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Why did you apologise to him? Crickey!

Take the evidence, make a formal complaint and if he asks you why tell him it is because he sexually harassed you for nearly a year and then when you snapped he is making your life uncomfortable for it, so mich that you dread going into work and none of this was your fault so you had to.

[ChelsyHandy]

Why so timid OP? Its sexual harassment and he probably thought he was getting away with it because most people would have nipped it in the bud instead of just ignoring it. So sad married man thought he was in with a chance for a bit on the side and is now sulking. I remember being aged 23 in my first graduate job and an older man started making me feel uncomfortable by talking about sex when we were alone together. I put up with it for approx. 3 weeks before having a sharp word with him, pointing out that it was sexual harassment and it wasn't acceptable, and if he didn't want HR to be investigating a disciplinary matter with regards to himself, he better stop. He did and was fine after that.

I'm sure you're capable of taking appropriate action too OP.

[VileStatistyx]

I'd guess that the sexual harassment was him trying to see if you were up for a shag and when it became clear that you weren't he decided to punish you for it.

I agree that a formal complaint about his behaviour would be the most appropriate course of action. He is revolting.

[Quitelikely]

Hold your head high. You have done nothing wrong. He's just pissed because you rejected his advances and now he's acting like a total manchild.

You really should make a statement not too dissimilar to your opening post and give it to HR.

[Granville72]

It's called sexual harassment NOT flirting.

You need to speak to HR or your manager / team leader as already advised.

It wont be long (if not already) that's he's doing it some other poor woman and thinking it's acceptable.

[VSeth]

This happened to me, when I was new to a company, he was shockingly sexual, told me how big his penis was, bragged about having sex with prostitues on his stag night, tried to get me drunk, booked a hotel room at an event etc etc. Eventually after continual rebukes he moved on from me to others, eventually some girls complained (I didnt becuase I was so new), the boss "had a word", which dissapointingly went along the lines of "Keep it in your pants, we are not that kind of company".

Anyhoo eventually he got fired, the complaints of harrassement were not cited, just poor performance, it transpires it had happened to him previously in other roles and when he connected to me on LinkedIn he didnt even reference our workplace in his career history.

You need to flag this up at work, but before going formal I would ask around other females at work and see if you can join ranks with another/s. I would bet that you are not alone in this situation. Can you watch his behaviour with other women and see if there anyothers getting a frosty reception?

Good Luck! I since have moved on from the company and I am happy at work, I am in the minority being a female but haven't encountered this kind of harrassment since.

[confusedandfedupp]

Reading that back does sound very timid, i’m not normally at all but I think because we got on before and it was gradual it took me a lot longer to tell him where to go than it should have.

I didn’t realise it before but thinking about timings it’s around the time I broke up with my ex that he really changed I think. I have still got most of the emails but although I know it’s what I should do I don’t really want to make any official complaint, it’s not a big company and I know it would be seen as me causing trouble.

I haven't seen any frostiness vseth, everyone else seems to like him