Please tell me what this was

[hugefatso]

Can I have your views and diagnosis on what happened here and what was wrong with him?

• Man and woman in a longterm relationship with a 20 year age gap. Woman wants children, man has always said maybe
  
• After 7 years woman says that she definitely wants children and if he doesn't, they will regretfully have to split.
  
• Man says she can't leave him because she has a lot of work to do on herself, is so self-absorbed she cannot love other people, and is not fit to be a mother and that she needs to work on these issues IN the relationship with him and then they can decide together if they go forward.
  
• Woman says no, her biological clock is a real thing. If he feels this way she is sorry, but she has to put herself first.
  
• Man says this is yet another example of her appalling, selfish behaviour. That she will never learn and the choice she is about to make to leave him will ruin her life forever as she will never learn how to love properly and be a terrible mother.
  
• Woman eventually leaves amongst much guilt and shame at seemingly making the choice to be a "bad" person and a "terrible" mother and feels that she is living a lie and only just covering this "terrible" "unloveable" thing about her that only he knows.
  
• She surprises herself, meets someone wonderful, gets married and has a baby
  
• The ex will not leave them alone, accuses them both of being shallow, superficial, selfish and terrible parents. Sends several letters threatening solicitor involvement to to retrieve money/compensation he thinks he's owed for cohabiting with her for so many years, shouts abuse at them in the street, tells all mutual friends terrible and untrue things about them.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

What do you think it was?

[hugefatso]

It may seem obvious to you, but it's not obvious to me.

I know it's bad, I know it's manipulative.

But what was wrong with him? Was he insecure? Was he abusive? Was he controlling?

It is not a straightforward abuse situation. All comments were given in the form of advice from an authority and condescension and "tut tutting' about behaviour.

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

Ex is plainly an abuser, what more does she need to know? (If you're the woman, well done and congratulations! Hope it all carries on so well.)

[hugefatso]

So it was emotional abuse?

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

Absolutely it was/is emotional abuse. And your comment about it being given as advice compounds it. Have you had a look at Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why does he do that?" Can't give a link due to techy blip, but it's easily googled. (Clear your histories, if it's you.)

[TooMuchCantBreath]

The ex used "advice" to belittle the women. He used it to undermine her confidence and self worth specifically to keep her in a relationship she didn't want to be in and, in doing so, deny her the chance of being a parent because he didn't want to be.

Yes it was emotionally abusive, very.

[tallwivglasses]

Until you find a way of totally disengaging with this sadfuck ex, you're still in a relationship with him. Tell him to fuck off. Call the police if he doesn't. Don't waste your time trying to understand mr sadfuck when you could use that time having fun with your lovely new man

[Aussiebean]

Time to go to the police and start the process. A solicitor will not take on the ridiculous case and if they do the judge will laugh it out of court.

This man had a lovely thing going and used emotional abuse to ensure it continued. Now he is furious that you DARED to leave him and be happy without him.

[theonlygothinthevillage]

Man was 'gaslighting' while in the relationship. Emotional abuse. Yes he was controlling.

Man's behaviour is now possibly bordering on illegal. I suggest involving the police. Even if they tell you/your friend that he hasn't broken the law, then can still go and 'ave a word, which should help send a message that you/your friend will not take any crap.

Congrats to you/your friend for seeing through his behaviour and moving on.

[borisgudanov]

An abusive controlling twat who needs to be reported to the police in connection with alleged offences under the Protection from Harassment Act 1999, that's what.

[SweetErmengarde]

How you/the woman stuck out a seven-year relationship with this twat without punching him in the face is amazing.

The tutting alone would have driven me to it...

Definitely time to involve the police. His behaviour in the relationship was emotional abuse and his behaviour out of it is harrassment.

His mental state and motivations are for him to work out in therapy (which he definitely needs but is unlikely ever to be self-aware enough to seek).

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

I don't care what the label should say. The man is damaged, maniplative and damaging to those around him. That's all you need to know.

[dollius]

Abusive twat did his best to keep victim toeing the line within the relationship. Is now outraged that she dared to exercise her own free will and vote with her feet.

Of course she is none of the things he said and of course no adult has the right to force another to remain in a relationship.

He is still an abusive twat and you should do something about the stalking and harassment. Police should be helpful.

[Meerka]

It is not a straightforward abuse situation. All comments were given in the form of advice from an authority and condescension and "tut tutting' about behaviour.

who made him the authority? Him, by any chance?

All those heavily loaded and nasty words he used such as selfish, terrible, bad, living a lie, .... oh yes, in the circumstances you describe he was definitely an emotional bully and abusive.

Shouting at her in the street and harassing her is more the act of a twat. All the emotional stuff is the actual get inside-your-mind emotional abuse.

[getthefeckouttahere]

he was a cock.

Couple need to call police/solicitor.

[HumblePieMonster]

the ex is bonkers.
involve the law.

[Thumbwitch]

Clear emotional abuse; and the continuing harassment is to keep you/the woman "under his control". He's not going to let you/her go easily.

As it is harassment, I agree with involving the police.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Yes, involve the law., It's important to remember that unwanted communication of any kind is a criminal offence. It doesn't have to be insulting or threatening. The fact remains that every adult has the right to cut another adult completely out of his/her life and to refuse any kind of relationship with that adult (it's slightly more complex when you have children with the other adult but still possible).
This abusive man has no rights at all to intrude into your life in any way. He doesn't matter. He has no power.
First, if you have any copies of emails or letters from him or whatever, put them in a box and keep them on one side.
Send him a message/text/email/letter along the following lines:
'Do not contact me/us again. I/we have nothing to say to you and no interest in anything you have to say. Any further approaches from you or any attempts to make contact with me/us through third parties will be reported to the police.'
Just that, no apologies, no explanations. He has no right to any such thing.

Then, if he contacts you again, call 101 (police non-emergency number) and tell them that you have requested that your former partner leaves you alone and he is continuing to harass you - show them the texts/emails/letters. THey will speak to him and order him to stop attempting contact. If he doesn't stop, they may arrest him and he may end up in prison. If he claims that he is giving you 'friendly advice IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.
He has been told to leave you alone and therefore continuing to pester you is a crime.

[LadyLuck10]

Man was abusive, woman was smart enough to see through that and go on to have the life she wanted. Woman needs to contact police about being harassed. Woman must stop dwelling and trying to figure out that man.

[partyskirt]

he was a cock.

Couple need to call police/solicitor.

^this