Hurt/damaged by school teasing/bullying

[CaptainMelody]

Hi all,

I don't have any children, but came on here as a friend who has recommended it as a place to get sound advice. Trying not to make this a "woe is me" story and to keep it short.

As background to school, I was pretty much liked by everyone, but not popular - one of the general population with nothing offensive about me, so no reason to be disliked, but nothing to make me stand out and be one of the in crowd.

I grew breasts fairly early on – measured by M&S as a C cup when I was 13, so probably was more like an E cup. As you can imagine, this didn’t go unnoticed by the boys at school. Mine was a fairly medium sized school, about 60% boys/40% girls.

I spent the last five years of school (up to the end of A levels) being referred to as “Twin Peaks” or “Himalayas” or other alternative names by probably about a third of the boys in my year – and some classes it was all of them. The girls in the older years made me feel that this was a desirable thing to have happen to me. None of the teachers said anything about it or appeared to notice at all, and when I finally snapped at one of the boys to fuck off and leave me alone, the teacher told me off.

I never told my parents about it, mainly because at the time it was so universal that it seemed normal, and no one paid any attention to it at all. It also seemed like such a small thing – they didn’t do anything physical, it was just name calling. It’s only really been as an adult (I’m in my mid twenties) that I started to think that it was appalling behaviour, and that the teachers had no business ignoring it.

The reason I’m posting is that if I assess my view of men now, I really think it is coloured by those years at school. The relationships I grew up with (ie seeing Mum and Dad) and see now are, in my opinion, healthy ones, but I’m always distrustful of any man who asks me on a date, and I think I therefore sabotage any chance of a long term relationship.

Rationally, I know the majority of men are kind and decent, but I can’t seem to really accept that, and I don’t know what the hell to do.

Sorry, a bit of a vent for me here.

[CaptainMelody]

I know this is really minor stuff compared to the other posts, and really want to tell myself to get a grip. Sorry to distract from others.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

How long has it been since you were at school?

[CaptainMelody]

Six years - which really ought to have been enough time to get over it!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sorry... just seen the 'mid twenties' reference. When you say you are 'distrustful', what does that look like exactly? What is it about a man who asks you on a date that you mistrust? Do you question their motives?

[CaptainMelody]

Doubting that they are actually interested in me as a person, as opposed to someone to have sex with.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think you might benefit from a couple of sessions of counselling, to boost your self esteem and help you let go of the past. Your problem is not trivial to you and presumably being told to 'get a grip' hasn't worked so far, so if it's making you miserable, seek help.
Good luck.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Do you think you are an interesting person? Would you describe yourself as confident?

[CaptainMelody]

Interesting - yes, I think so. I have really good friends, have an enjoyable job (holiday today), volunteer for a charity with a really good bunch of people.

Not so much on the confident side of things though. I've been invited as part of a small group to a number of holidays/days out over the years, and it always surprises me that I've been chosen, if you see what I mean. I was very definitely the last person to be picked when it came to sports teams!

I think what SolidGoldBrass said about boosting self esteem is probably very relevant to this.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you've been subjected to treatment at school that made you excessively self-conscious you probably do have some lingering self-esteem problems. Do you actually date men and then ditch them if they appear to be getting too close or do avoid dating completely and turn them down rather than risk getting into an awkward situation? Have you had a boyfriend since leaving school? Do your really good friends include any males? Just wondering if you're able to have a healthy platonic relationship with a man.

[CaptainMelody]

Not what I would call a long term relationship - a couple of months maximum.
A mixture of dating and then running away, and avoiding dating completely.
The group of really good friends I have from university are fairly evenly split between men and women, so I can definitely have a healthy platonic relationship. I also think they all would be shocked if they read this, as I don't think any of then are aware that I feel like this.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think it's good news that you can have a healthy platonic relationship with someone. If you mistrusted males as a species, you wouldn't be able to do that. So it narrows down the problem a little. What would someone have to do to demonstrate adequately to you that they were interested in you as a person rather than just after sex? Also, when you 'run away' from a two month relationship, what might trigger that happening? Is it something specific? Do you get anxious that you're about to be dumped? Are you suspicious or jealous?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

(Sorry for all the questions) The men you have dated, how do you generally meet them? The traditional way of mutual friends, work colleagues, shared hobbies... or OLD?

[CaptainMelody]

No, questions are really good. Thinking about this much more than I usually do.
Men I've dated - generally mutual friends or shared hobbies. Not really got into OLD though I know it works brilliantly for some people. I think that is because at least with the more traditional route, you at least have some confirmed knowledge of them.
I don't think there is anything specific that triggers it. I'm not jealous, and don't think I'm suspicious. I just tend to let things fizzle out, and I don't know if there is a concrete reason for the timing.
As for the adequate demonstration - again, I don't know. I think what I do is an attempt to test that they are interested, which backfires because if I back off, they do the same, which is entirely natural. I think it requires a bit of a leap of faith from me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Testing' people sounds about right. Setting them up to fail or creating distance because you're getting too fond? It's actually counterproductive in more ways than one. A nice, respectful man will not push and will respect your boundaries. So you lose that one. The real rotter, on the other hand, will see your backing off as a challenge, not leave you alone, bombard you with romantic gestures until you give in... and this can easily be misinterpreted as 'interest'.

I'm not a big one for leaps of faith tbh. If you get a bad feeling about someone or it's simply not working, it would be a mistake to make a leap and ignore your better judgement.

For me, 'love' is all about the mistakes. The ones that got away, the ones that break your heart, the ones that you'd like to drop kick into next week. You've had your confidence knocked early on, unfortunately, and you've probably missed out on a formative period when most people are experiencing all this stuff and getting some useful heart scar-tissue along the way. Maybe the next one you meet you make more of an effort to get to know them, consciously avoid game-playing and see if it becomes a good friendship first and foremost.

[CaptainMelody]

Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me about this. Lots of things for me to think about now.

[SolidGoldBrass]

It is also worth bearing in mind, of course, that sexual and romantic relationships are not compulsory. Some people just have no interest in finding partners. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them. A good counsellor would help you discover for yourself if you want sex and romance or if you have other priorities. You have friends, so you can get along with other people. But you are worrying about the whole business at the moment, which is why it might help to talk it over with someone.