I'm totally crap at this whole thing.

[AllOutOfNaiceHam]

I have come to the conclusion that I suck at relationships. No matter how relaxed I come across, I'm tense, highly strung and boring. Not fun. Always too damn literal and serious. Can't keep my mouth shut when I really should and can't open it when I really should.
I hate my parents for making me this way and I hate my bastard abusive cunt of an ex for making me this way.
My husband is amazing. Works hard, does most of the house work, puts up with my chronic fatigue and dislike of being touched.. I want to enjoy sex and all the relationship stuff, but I just don't know how.
I'm in my first trimester with dc4, and all I really want to do is go and hide out somewhere in silence where I don't have to be a wife or a mother, because I suck at all of it and it's making everyone miserable.

Where do I even start to tackle all of this?

(Nb, I do not currently suffer from depression, these are just observations and realisations that have come to me over the last few months, compounded by the summer holidays)

[Hassled]

You're absolutely sure that you don't currently suffer from depression? Because on the face of it - you have an amazing husband who clearly loves you a lot, you have 3 DC and are about to have another - you've achieved a lot. Some people find making friends easy; some people just don't. And both are fine, as long as you're content with what you have.

What happened over the last few months?

[TDada]

You do sound depressed and sensitive/perhaps overly self conscious. Your dh must know that you are a good person which is why he is committed. Does he tell you that he loves you?

[WorkingGirlJem]

I have suffered with depression on and off for all my adult life and I have to say it does sound to me like you are suffering too.

Mine was always worse when I was pregnant and still is when my children are off school.

I bet you feel better in the coming weeks when they return to school

[AllOutOfNaiceHam]

He does, all the time, and that he finds me attractive etc, but he has also let me know that he finds it hard that I struggle with intimacy and sometimes he jokes about how I always take things so seriously and literally when he makes a joke that I kill rather than join in.
I really don't feel very connected to him at the moment, I pull away when he wants to put his arms around me or hug me, we dont spend much time together even though we work in the same building and technically spend 24 hours a day most days in each other's company. When we are intimate I can never let myself get into the moment.
Dcs 1&2 are totally out of control, not listening, breaking stuff, not going to sleep until past 9pm even though we try to do bedtime at 7:30. All I hear from them is moaning and otherwise they ignore us.
We haven't spent any time alone since December last year when we had a couple of hours to ourselves for a meal while MIL had the children. We even spent our wedding anniversary this month apart because I was on a business trip, and we haven't even started planning how we can make that up somehow.

[overslept]

I'm not saying this to be a twat so please don't take it the wrong way... Perhaps being pregnant again was not the best idea for you if you think of yourself as a sucky mother/wife. I'm sure you are not and I'm sure your family love and appreciate you but you sound to me like you need to be your own person again for a little while and not just what everybody else see's you as or relies on you to be. You sound like you need some time to yourself, does your DH help with childcare a lot? Could you perhaps arrange at least some personal time every week where you can do something you would like to do? Even if that is just laying around in a quiet room eating bonbons and faffing about online. A lot of people seem to think you have to go out with friends or arrange time away from the house as a reason to be away from the chaos of family life but I think taking a bit of time just for you and then deciding what you want to do with it can work wonders. This isn't a criticism in any way I just think honestly sometimes you at least a few hours when you can put yourself first and clear your head. X

[AllOutOfNaiceHam]

He gets up with the older 2 every morning, and is quite happy to stay at home in the evenings so I can go and do something. None of the things I like to do were on during July & August though so I've not had any time to myself since mid June ish other than spending the odd morning in bed while the kids were downstairs.
The pregnancy wasn't planned, but I couldn't bring myself to seriously consider terminating it (insert a whole load of issues here that are a completely different thread).

Checking into a hotel for a weekend to just sleep sounds like an amazing idea right now. I think my husband needs it too, But he's of the opinion that sleep is for the weak, so he forces himself to stay up and work or watch films, play on the ps4 and do other stuff he can't do while the smalls are around.
I think we might actually be heading for a burnout.

(Thanks for the space to think out loud by the way.. It really helps to just go where the thoughts are flowing with a bit of input from you guys. I still really don't think I'm depressed, but I'm definitely fucking tired)

[superstarheartbreaker]

His attitude towards sleep sucks for a start. You need a rest.

[TDada]

You both need rest and pampering. Can your mil keep children for a wkend? If so we MNeters can recommend the ideal pampered weekend if you tell us roughly where you are. Can your mil do a fixed once a month Friday night babysit?

I also rcmmnd intense exercise for you both. Will help you deep sleep.

You also need lots of favourite music playing in the house with dancing. All good for endorphins and the children will pick up on the happy vibe. On the positive side you and your DH have so much going for you. You genuinely care for each other. Have daily no sex hugs of a bit and keep your concern for each other. It is really healthy and encouraging.

I am curious about what triggered your depression from you childhood. Whatever did so you have don so well and hav so many things going for you as a family. As the children become adolescent you can have so much fun if you get the right family vibe going.

Hugs for you both

[combust22]

Why are you having a 4th child in all this mess?

[Vivacia]

What is the purpose of asking that question of this couple?

[combust22]

Perhaps because the OP is asking us about her car crash os a life "Where do I even start to tackle all of this?"

She seems to suggest that her parents and ex have made all this happen- "
I hate my parents for making me this way and I hate my bastard abusive cunt of an ex for making me this way.

She has chronic fatigue, 3 kids that are "out of control" - and a 4th child is going to help?

[Vivacia]

I understand your motivation for saying it, but what is it's purpose?

Is to provide support? Is it practical advice? Is to gain a better understanding of the situation? Is it to prompt the OP to see a solution from a different angle?

Or is to get one of the parents to take responsibility for the decisions of both and say, "You're right, I shouldn't be having this baby, she's a complete mistake and is just compounding the misery of my life". Once she says that, then what is your advice?

[AllOutOfNaiceHam]

A pampered weekend sounds amazing. I hear in our area cedar falls are great and child free. my husband likes spas, but he really struggles to relax, staying up etc is what he does to wind down according to him.
We have asked my MIL this exact thing in the past, she makes grand promises then lets us down about 80% of the time so we very rarely ask her. We have had offers from a couple of people in the last few weeks though, so I may be brave and ask one of those.

As for my childhood.. Tigermom has nothing on my parents, and an older man coerced me emotionally and physically into having sex with him for almost 2 years before I turned 18. I've plenty of therapy of all sorts for more than 10 years, and I'm good on the depression/control/self harm front but still struggle with intimacy.
My husband knew all of that before we embarked on a relationship, but I do understand that it can be hard when the woman you love doesn't like to be touched at all some days.

[AllOutOfNaiceHam]

For the record, only 2 of them are hard work . And probably more so because of the summer holidays and because I'm tired. And when I say "out of control" I mean in a not listening, running around like tornados, laughing their heads off, not breaking into places, beating up people and stealing stuff.

[TDada]

Dear AllOut,

You are obviously a caring and lovely person completely worn out. The older abusive man can be confronted later but first we need to get you back to full strength so that he doesn't have the pleasure of seeing you as a victim. Please go for the spa and dinner day/weekend. And take up offers for baby sitting so that you can regularise your help. Your husband loves you and feels lucky to have you. You appreciate him ...... Telling him this from time to time will really help him. Also tell him that if you can get some sleep together you will both be stronger.

I can relate to do early mornings etc to protect DW's sleep but you both need to make sleep a priority for mental health long term.

If you look ahead through it all you can look forward to a house of fun adolescents and teenagers with lots of character.

You and your DH are lucky t have each other and be blessed with being able to have children so easily! [Smile]

[TDada]

Also what about playing your favourite music and dancing and singing . Will change the mood of the entire household. Good way of indoctrinating the I children with proper musical taste......can I make a case for Prince? What music do you like?

[AllOutOfNaiceHam]

Tdada not usually that easily, though easier than some. Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it.

We like all sorts of metal and rock music. Our children have been known to bounce around shouting singing 'nah nah nah nahhhhh THUNDER! Nah nah nah naaaah THUNDER!' they are all awesome little creatures with a wicked sense of humour. DC2 never sleeps and never has done.. I look forward to the teenage years when you can't get them out of bed!

[TDada]

So you would find skunk annansie tame then.

Today looks a nice day. What are you planning do.? I will play some tennis, hopefully persuade my daughter to come along. Will put he slow cooker on before I play so that there is a nice lunch when we get back. Slow cookers are great if you don't have one already.

[AllOutOfNaiceHam]

I have a large Gammon with elderflower in the slow cooker. We are just cleaning the house ready for a visit tonight, then we will go to the beach for the afternoon.
All the doors and Windows are wide open and we have music on and the children initiated some dancing piling on top of me which was lovely. I'm worn out already but it actually feels nice for once. :)

[TDada]

Sounds fab. Can you get a weekly cleaner?

[getthefeckouttahere]

Hey allout,

I am not suggesting that you are depressed, but i do think that you have some issues that you need to work through as they are obviously making you sad. I would print out your OP, make an appointment with a counsellor, walk in and give them a copy of it. With luck and an awesome counsellor you will, like me, begin a journey of discovery and reflectiveness that can transform your life.

[AllOutOfNaiceHam]

We've advertised for a cleaner in the past when I had HG with my last pregnancy but the only person who got in touch wanted £15 an hour because she was qualified as a night carer, and that was just too much. We did talk about it yesterday, but living at the back of beyond seems to put people off.

Getthe private counselling is between £35 & £40 an hour around here, which would be possible but not easy at the moment. I'm planning on having some more but probably not for a while unless I win the lottery. Last time I was seeing someone 2x a week for an hour each time for 10 months and it really hurt our bank accounts.

[TDada]

How are you?

[AllOutOfNaiceHam]

Not too bad actually, thanks for asking. Husband has been very lovely the last few days and I'm having a home day with the children today before they go back to school at the end of the week. All is rather peaceful.
He did say this morning "after 10 years I still can't keep my hands off you, and you still can't put your hands on me", not in a mean way, but it cut a little.
Looking forward to a child free Sunday as long as MIL keeps her word for once.

[TDada]

You have got a good un. Do you tell him that? Would be nice to just hear that.