Don't really know what I'm doing.

[NacMacFeeglie]

I think I am pretty crap at relationships to be honest.

I've been in a relationship for fourteen months. Engaged for three months. I have four children and am about to start work full time. I am about to turn 30, my partner is 40.

In the early days things were very intense. We got together and he began staying over at mine a month or so later. He was staying pretty much every night except if we had a row where he would
stay with his mum.

We did row about once a month for the first six months mostly when drunk together. However things have settled down and the remainder of the relationship so far has been great.

Recently my dp has become depressed. He says this is due to pressure and stress at work and some long term issues he has had within his family. He now stays up at his more and more as he wants to try to get himself back in the gym etc. I've been fine with this but recently I've been evaluating our relationship and some things are troubling me.

My children adore him. Yet we have never done anything together, all of us. When I get a new place my dp says he wants to move in. I don't see that happening as he seems to be spending more and more time away from me and I'm not sure I'm happy to have him move in with no real idea about how he would be with my children on a regular close contact basis.

Recently I've been feeling the relationship is a bit hopeless. I know what I want. I want a quiet drama free life as mine has been pretty horrendous so far. I want to go to work each day, pick up my children, come home, cook a nice dinner, help them with homework, then when they are in bed, cuddle up with someone and watch TV or chat with. I want someone who comes home to me each night. That's not to say I don't want any alone time or think he shouldn't have any, I know that's really unhealthy. I just want a but of stability, security and contentness. Is that bad or wrong?

With my dp being depressed, sex is non existent which is not the be all and end all but coupled with the fact I am not seeing him very much and so there is little affection too, I'm feeling a bit lonely I guess.

I am supportive with his depression and don't add to his stress by saying any of this. I love him very much and almost feel useless because he is proffering to deal with it away from me and I can't seem to do anything to help him.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. I guess I'm just confused.

[mrsbrownsgirls]

You are not bad or wrong .

Depression is a killer. Is he getting treatment?

Are you concerned he might be trying to exit the relationship ?

I am curious about what you rowed about in the early days

[FolkGirl]

I think you are very focused on him being depressed and you wanting to care for him. You rowed a lot in the early days, he strops off to his mum's when you fall out, you're not having sex, you don't see him very much, there's little affection, you're about to start work full time, you have 4 children...

There's nothing in your post about what he adds to your life.

You're quite clear about what you want from a relationship. Are you getting any of it from this man?

Don't settle.

[NacMacFeeglie]

Mrsbrowngirls - it doesn't make for great reading. I'd say both of us have been damaged from our pasts. My other threads will explain mine. We were both afraid of getting hurt and he was initially quite insecure about my age and felt I was out of his league. We had rows about other men when we were out, trying to dance with me or the way I was talking to them. This has stopped now.

I had a breakdown in the new year and am still currently on ad's. He has had depression before and deals with it by going to the gym and eating healthy etc. he has seen his doctor and will see him again in two weeks time.

He gave me support when I was unwell. Took me to my counselling sessions. Supported me through going nc with my family. He helped me move house and has helped with money. He does make me laugh and when he is here he is affectionate. I go out and do my thing, he does the same.

I guess I'm just confused. Worried that being with me has played a part in his depression. Worried that maybe he will decide he's better off alone. Worried that I don't feel as infatuated with him as I used to and in some circumstances actively encourage him to stay away.

I think he might be worried about me starting work. Whilst I was ill I was home every day, gave up working and focused in getting better. Now I am getting there I think he may be worried I will decide I don't want him or meet someone through my new job. He hasn't directly said do but a few comments make me wonder this.

[FolkGirl]

Being with you will not have played a part in his depression unless he sought you out and stayed with you precisely because you had depression, were vulnerable and needed him and he needed you to need him as part of his own condition.

I've been treated for depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. I'm currently not, but, looking back, I can see that I made choices and took actions that I only took because of my illness.

I would caution against this man under any circumstances, but when you have 4 children in the mix, I'd tread very carefully.

Do you really want the rows to recommence once you start your new job?

[NacMacFeeglie]

I was vulnerable when I got together with him. I was going through a cancer scare which turned out to be scarring from pneumonia that went untreated for months. I was extremely unwell and dropped to six stone. I won't lie, I wanted someone to be there for me. I was scared and lonely.

I chose him because I was attracted to him. He was older, smart, didn't take nonsense from anyone. He wasn't like the previous few I had dated. He is very charismatic and tends to end up the centre of attention with his friends etc.

When I met him he was going to the gym twice a day every day in preparation for a fortieth birthday trip to Las Vegas. He is a poker player. After the trip didn't go as he had planned when he got back he stopped the gym and just seemed to do less and less of the things he used to like doing.

I, however, have come on in leaps and bounds. I am at a healthy weight of nine stone for my height now and coping well with life, well enough to go back to work full time. It's almost like we have swapped roles.

[kaykayblue]

I would say that you are totally normal to be feeling like this. The whole relationship seems to be moving WAY too fast. You got engaged after less than a year together????? That's insanely fast, especially considering that you are only in your thirties. How can you possibly know someone well enough after such a short period of time?

Plus all his underlying issues - look, if you are happy to take them on and be prepared for a life that might not be so easy, then that's one thing. But if you want a relaxed, stress free life with you and the children the you might want to take a step back.

It sounds like you went for him because at the time you were in a very vulnerable place and needed someone to lean on - there's nothing wrong with that. But now that you are in a better place you are seeing him as a real person and not as a "saviour" type figure. It's not ideal, but you can't help that.

If you are having doubts like this so early in the relationship, then I think you need to slow things right down.

[tipsytrifle]

NacMac - i really think you need to hold off any moving in stuff. Your idea about how you've kind of role-swapped is very astute. I relate to your situation very much.

I let someone move in with me and regretted it immediately. I know I chose him to lean on. I was very ill at the time. Thought i was dying actually and he was a very practical type; he'd be able to sort stuff out when i did. But it was a nightmare (for me) from day 1.

Due to his practicality i was finally assessed properly by docs, cured and, once the agonising pain was gone, I had to deal with what had become a toxic relationship. Sadly ironic, eh?

I don't know if sharing that helps at all, but I'm trying to suggest that you think about what you might lose if he moved in. The things you value in the quiet life are actually priceless. I would never again risk losing that feel of home being my sanctuary.

Sorry for the ramble!

[mrsbrownsgirls]

I think you are describing quite a normal course of events in a relationship between two people who have had their fair share of their individual problems.

If you still love each other you will probably come out the other end stronger, if not in the madly infatuated first few months way.

Hang in there .

It is good that he is seeing his doctor.

Are you seeing yours? It sounds like your depression may have acquired an anxiety component and you might benefit from a change in meds.

I speak from experience!
I wish you love and luck x

[NacMacFeeglie]

Thanks for the replies. Msbrown I suffered horrendous anxiety with my breakdown. I couldn't be treated until I was stabilised on meds but my anxiety was so bad I couldn't take the meds either. When I did take them eventually the first four days my extremely high anxiety got even higher. It was the most horrible time of my life.

Where I am now, I have fleeting moments of anxiety but compared to how I was, I'm a thousand times better so I don't want to mess with the meds.

I know that I love this man. Very much so. Maybe I am just missing the honeymoon period which ended faster for us because of the issues with my mental health at the time. And the shift that's occurred has made me insecure.

I believe he is a good man that has been dealt some really rubbish hands in life like me. I'd love for us both to have the contentment we both deserve.

I guess I'm not ready to give up on anything yet. Maybe I'm just in too much of a rush to settle down with him when really we both need to slow down which should ultimately mean when the time does come to live together etc, we will both be ready.

[mrsbrownsgirls]

I am very glad to hear that your anxiety is on the way down, not up.

your last sentence seems to sum up the situation. I hope you post back in a few months with good news . I think you probably will

[NacMacFeeglie]

It would appear I no longer have to be confused. I woke up this morning to a couple of texts from dp. He said that me and him make him unhappy. He also mentioned two other people I've slept with in the past before I was with him. Its like he thinks I'm some sort of slut. I haven't replied and I'm not going to. Keeping my dignity this time.

[Meerka]

oh dear macnac it sounds like this white knight has a helluva lot of rust inside him. Nasty thing to do of him.

Hope you can move onwards and upwards and find someone nicer

[FolkGirl]

Is he ending the relationship?

If so, I'm not sure it makes him a bad person. His depression and the way he feels about himself make it difficult for him to accept your past and the relationship is/was making him unhappy. He's entitled to end it because he's unhappy. It's far better than hanging around and punishing you for it.

You weren't happy yourself.

[NacMacFeeglie]

Folk girl. Only three days ago my dp was telling me how happy he was and he couldn't wait to see the new house. That he would do the garden and decorate.

He does this when he is away and drinking. It's a pattern. He has done it about eight times over the last 14 months. Always by lovely text messages. He even finished with me when in Vegas. He proposed to me. Tells me he's never loved anyone like me etc.

I have ended the relationship. Because frankly I deserve better. He splits with me and a few days later wants back together. I'm fed up of it.

[FolkGirl]

Good. You do deserve so much better than this. How on earth are you supposed to live your life with that level of uncertainty?

Doesn't stop it hurting though

[gincamparidryvermouth]

You do deserve better, OP. That pattern sounds exhausting and I'd have thought that it could potentially be quite destabilising WRT your history of anxiety. Well done for taking control and ending it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm glad you've taken the initiative and stopped 'hanging on in there'. Never hang on in there with someone who treats you inconsistently, stomps off back to mothers or uses something like depression as an excuse. Someone like that doesn't really love you. I think dumping him will turn out to be a confidence boost for you and you'll act a lot quicker in the future if you get messed around again.

Enjoy your independence.

[Charley50]

I think you are well rid. A man that is constantly leaving, dumping, and getting back together will set anxiety levels through the roof. (I know - been there). Grown-ups discuss problems, not storm out for days on end. You don't need his shit and neither do your children.
You sound lovely and have a very busy life. If someone proper comes along it will be a bonus but hid behaviour shows he isn't the one for you.

[NacMacFeeglie]

I just feel like a mug. I've bent over backwards for this man. Supported him, cooked for him, forgiven him, loved him. Held us together because I was sure we were going to be okay.

My mother works for women's aid and believes he is a narc. When I was going through my breakdown I nearly went into refuge as he was being emotionally abusive.

I'm just sad that it's another relationship with another mr wrong.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

When the next Mister comes along, you'll know to take things a great deal slower than you have with this one. And you'll probably have learned to take a whole lot less drama-crap.

Every relationship, no matter how shitty it was or how badly it ended, teaches us something, mostly about ourselves. It all depends on whether we're paying proper attention if we truly do learn or not.

You've had a lucky escape and that's a great deal to be thankful for.

Onwards and upwards! You've got a new job and a new start to look forward to.