Still EA Ten moths after leaving

[20yearsstolen]

I'm struggling to cope after leaving my ex after an 20 year abusive relationship . I left 10 months ago and he's still controlling my life and I just need to know it's not me

I've walked away from the house I own , I'm struggling to make ends meet , I can't claim housing benefit because I'm still named on the mortgage . My only option (he gave me ) are to sign the house over or face a life of hell if I seek legal advice ( I believe him )

I've met someone new who is completely adorable he is such a wonderful kind gentle man who is extremely understanding of my situation but I feel I still need to keep our new relationship secret because Of what my ex will do to either him , me or my son .

Things have been made worse recently with the fact that ex is seeing a mutual friend . I still get texts from ex asking for sex in return for maintenance , obviously declined but means I receive no maintenance . I have discovered from our four year old that he has been introduced to daddy's new girlfriend after a few weeks of them seeing each other . I know now that I was completely in the wrong but as she is a friend I felt I could approach her and ask her to take a step back from being around my ex whilst he has contact .

Actually this was a very civil telephone conversation in which she agreed it was a reasonable request until she got to know ex better as a "partner" so over an hour later and her asking me LOTS of questions she asked me to forward the text messages to her that ex had sent to me asking for sex etc because he had given a different version saying that he only sent them to me to p me off (don't see how that makes it anymore acceptable)

Now she has called it off with him and now I'm having to deal with visits from ex late at night accusing me of being all sorts , he's told me that I will get what's due and that he will no longer see our son and that I will regret the day ! No comprehension that if he wasn't still sending texts like that to me he would be in this situation . It happened to me with him more that 10 times over whole relationship and I never left and put up with much much worse but she's obviously a different woman and has left him straight away !

Why did I do it why did I enter into a conversation with her and send the texts I should have left well alone because now I'm sat here a bag of nerves waiting to see what will happen next ,if he will come for me , if he will see our son again , or if he does whether he will return him to me . Why didn't I just let her find out for herself ?!

I know I'm in the wrong but how do you move on ?? I was with this man from 15-35 and really struggling to stand up for the life I want now

[scarletforya]

That's awful OP. Have you seen a solicitor?

Were you married? Did you sign the house over?

[20yearsstolen]

No I haven't signed the house over I don't have the money to pay for the mortgage fees . Some days I feel like just giving it to him and other days I feel I should fight . I just know it would make my life even harder , I've been told if he receives so much as a solicitors letter about the house I'll be put under the patio !

I don't believe he would do that but he would make life very very hard

[thestamp]

threatening to put you under the patio? that is a threat OP. you need to talk to a solicitor and involve the police.

[AnotherStitchInTime]

0808 2000 247 please call Women's Aid. They can help you get legal support and with contacting the Police/Solicitor to get a non-molestation order. Keep all texts and emails as evidence.

[scarletforya]

Your life is hard now OP though OP. I agree with calling womens aid. They'll advise you on how to proceed safely to get what's yours. You'll never be truly clear of him unless you go through the proper channels. I do understand you're scared. Of course you would be.

Yy to involving the Police. He's used a death threat against you. They will take that seriously.

[myfriendflickadee]

Yes - please do call the police and WA and do not under any circumstances sign the house over to him. Don't do anything without legal advice.

He is trying to scare you into signing away your rights.

[HansieLove]

He needs FORCE to tame him down. Do what the others say. Police. Lawyer.

[ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb]

bloody hell you should not be blaming yourself for this situation at all OP, you contacted your friend with the intention of helping to support your son, it is his fault that she has walked out on his sorry ass. i understand why you regret the situation but please don't take the blame.

re the harrassment and threats i think you need proffessional support in the form of women's aid and a lawyer. i don't know what the legal implications are of all this but i think if you are well advised and informed you will feel stronger in dealing with him. he is using a lot of emotional blackmail and threats which will understandibly upset and shake you but if you know what your rights are and you have support you will be able to stand up to him, then he won't be able to control you anymore.

seriously contact women's aid and reach out for support where you can. you can get through this

[20yearsstolen]

Just feels like I would be holding a red rag to a bull and setting myself up for many more months of animosity and hassle .

It's been ten months and this is still causing me problems daily . Does it ever get any better ?! Or is this the life I'm destined to because I have my beautiful son with this man .

[CaptainRex]

Having had counselling sessions, the general theme from them, is if what you are currently doing is not making any difference, then you have to change what you are doing

i.e. you doing what he wants is not stopping his horrendous behaviour, its only giving him free rein to continue

These bullies need to be dealt with by official means like WA, police and solictors, to get the law on your side, and keep him away from it

[ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb]

OP you're in such a difficult place but i believe you can move through it however your ex is unlikely to change his behaviour; at the moment he probably feels in control and in a position of power, why would he give that up spontaneously? i believe the way to change the situation is for you to change your approach but ths will not happen overnight, i think you need to be in a stronger place and that means accessing support, women's aid and therapy will help you i'm sure of it and knowing your rights will help you feel secure in your position.

He will not change, he will not suddenly become nice or reasonable but that doesn't mean you have to stay in this situation or that you can't move on. i understand why you feel so helpless and that you don't want to aggravate the situation but what you're doing isn't working for you. but you were strong enough to leave and that is an amazing acheivement you just need to keep moving forward.

[Betrayedbutsurvived]

Oh men like this make my blood boil, what a cunt. Go to a solicitor, tomorrow, and call the police if he so much as looks at you wrongly. Utter bastard, who the hell does he think he is.

[Fontella]

Go to the police and tell them about these threats immediately.

Don't think about it - just do it.

[SolidGoldBrass]

This man does not have superpowers and he is not above the law. Please talk to WA, a solicitor and the police, who will point out to this inadequate shitbag that if he doesn't behave himself he will go to prison and stay there. It's not up to him how much maintenance he pays, either: courts can decide and enforce it, it can be docked from his wages etc. You don't need his permission or his co-operation for any of this.

I appreciate that it's difficult, after having your whole adult life controlled by a failure of a human being like him, to believe that you are a worthwhile human being with a right to be free, but you are.

[Charley50]

Hi OP, so sorry you are going through this. My ex used to threaten to 'put me 6 feet under' etc and it terrified me to the extent that although I kicked him out I never got him to pay maintenance which I should have done really. I agree with all the other posters that you need to log his threats with the police, get legal help, women's aid etc.
Wankers like your ex rely on you fearing them and being alone and unsupported. Get support ESP police and get boundaries in pace asap. He's a cunt and I think you have actually done your friend a favour by showing her his true colours. Sending you love to get through the next hurdles, you've got through the biggest one already, leaving him; now get the police on your side.

[Kittydragon]

Call the police on 101, tell them it's to ask for advice, get it logged, request that they don't contact him. Call women's aid - it can take a few time to get through. They can and will help you, in so many ways.

Please let them help. Keep posting here for support and advice.

[kittybelle]

He has now crossed many lines - CRIMINAL threats & intimidation etc. He will never listen to you or cooperate with you - so you must involve the authorities - this is their job now as he has crossed many lines into their responsibility.

They will coordinate support for you but you need to do this now and asap. You are at significant risk. If you are avoiding taking action - do it for your son - he does not need to be left destitute and motherless.

Are you talking to anyone in RL? How much of this are your new partner or F&F aware. It would be good to communicate with them so that they know you are at risk - but the advice and approach to deal with this situation needs to come from the authorities/agencies.

Wishing you the strength to make the call.

And the A to your original Q is - "No" you will never be able to shake him off alone. But he is not above the law. Good Luck - keep posting.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Please get legal back-up. Womens Aid, solicitors, police. The law is there precisely to deal with nasty little shits that threaten to put people under the patio just for standing up for themselves. What he's doing is criminal. He is intimidating you, you are suffering and that is unjust. There are people who can help you and they will not be intimidated by him.

Please make those calls and your life will get better. Do nothing and he will think he cannot be touched.

[Theoldhag]

Another one urging you to make those phone calls, he needs to be stopped and you need time to heal.

I feel for you, have been there with continuation of abuse by ex once I left.

If your son has contact still, keep a close eye on his behaviour (children tend to act out there feelings as they can't articulate verbally very well) as ex may try to use him to hurt you.

Sending strength to you op

[F0ssil]

Have you heard of "drop the rope" technique? let me link. hang on.

[F0ssil]

Screen shot those text messages.
Contact women's aid.

My x continued to abuse me for 18 months after I left him, and then I stopped communicating with him at all. New phone number. new email.

[MrsPnut]

I agree with pp, call WA and the police. He is threatening your life and that is against the law.

Your son will probably also benefit from specialist support from WA to help him process his feelings.