Discussing money with wife

[MoonlightPicnic]

Hello all,

Ive been seeing my wife of two years for seven years now. When we met I knew she had a lot of debt incurred on Credit Cards (about 25000). She seemed to fully realise that she had a problem and needed to do something constructive about it. We moved in together and I found myself going deeper and deeper into debt, she had little left over from paying off the minimum balance on her credit cards so had very little to contribute to the household expenses so I made up the difference. Around this time I asked her repeatedly to register with Step change or some other Debt charity so that she could reduce her payments and wed at least start to make ends meet. After the pure frustration of her not tacking the problem I took out a 10000 loan at a low APR to pay against some of the bills. She made the monthly payments, was more than happy to do so, and with the lower APR there was some residual. We got married, not an expensive do, but things got worse herein. She suddenly realised that step change was what she needed after all and all her debts were renegotiated except the 10000 loan that she was paying me for. Then one day I noticed she was still using the Credit Cards, but like a fool I kept quiet hoping that it was only a one off. Almost 4000 was added to her debt that way. She fell pregnant and of course her salary dropped considerably, by now I was facing my own financial problems and things like a work pension seemed completely out of reach. It seemed an excellent opportunity for her to renegotiate with her creditors via Step Change, but she put up the barriers and said that it wouldnt make a difference. This seemed a little unfair as I was now paying off her 10000 loan myself on top of virtually all the house hold expenses. Within the last four years my debts have risen from 3000 to nearly 23000. We have to move house soon as our one bedroom apartment just wont stretch for our beautiful arrival. DW is now back at work part time (with pension)and the loan seems to have been forgotten about. I'd love to negotiate my own debt plan but this is impossible as the local estate agents seem hell bent on squeezing every pound out of you via credit checks and the like and one day I'd like a home to pass on to my little boy.

Im not sure why Im writing this really; perhaps someone could give me advice as to what to say to her. Ive tried so often. I wanted more from life than this and feel extremely low. I dont think this is something that a hardworking, kind husband and good Dad should have to experience (sorry for the trumpet blowing!)

I just feel like starting anew (although I'd always want to be a major part in my sons life), and feel that this is my fault for being such a walkover.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The sad truth is that you are not going to change the behaviour of someone else. Nothing will happen until they a) accept there is a problem and b) accept they need to change... and it has to come from them. Irresponsible/excessive spending is up there IMHO with other obsessive/addictive/stupid behaviours & habits in the sense that the pleasure rush people get from it is hard to quit.

I think you're going to have to take a harder line. You both have to go to a debt charity and put all the various loans, debts and other commitments on the table. Forget moving house because nobody is going to lend you more money. Sell up and rent. Use the cash to pay off the loans. It's very judgemental of me but I've got to question what on earth possessed you to bring more children into this mess....

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW..... re 'starting anew'. That's obviously a valid option but I would suggest you get legal advice on top of the financial advice because, in a divorce situation, personal debts (like the £10,000 loan) tend to go with the individual whereas joint debts are shared. So if your name is on most of the debt because of her poor credit rating starting anew will mean you get rid of the person but not necessarily the financial problem. Plus you'd have to factor in ongoing maintenance for your DC(s). That might be a price worth paying, but please do the research if you're seriously thinking in that direction.

[MoonlightPicnic]

Thank you Cognito, fine advice.

I really don't want to start anew, but feel completly saturated by it all. When she had success with a PPI claim of nearly 3000 not one penny went into the household expenses for example..anyway enough of my angst.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Does she appreciate how you feel? Does she take your feelings seriously? Have you said in so many words that, if you can't get a grip on your finances and start working as a responsible team who treat each other with respect, you don't think there's much of a future in the relationship?..... really put it on the line what the risks are of doing nothing?

Are you certain that the £4000 credit card bill is the total of her debts now or are you not sure that's the full story?

[kentishgirl]

You know you've been a mug, don't you.

It sounds like cards on the table time.

Option 1.
She needs to sit down and go through everything honestly with you. You need to go to a debt charity together. You both need to commit to a plan. It This is if you have the energy for it now, and if you believe she can willingly and completely cooperate with it all.

Option 2. You carry on as you are and probably end up having a nervous breakdown and going bankrupt in a few years. It sounds like to her, everyone elses money (bank, yours) is for her to spend. Hers is for her to spend. Where is the partnership in that?

Option 3. Cut your losses and get out. You could get 50/50 residency of your child. You won't be responsible for any of her debts - only any that you took on in your name. If you didn't sign the agreement, it's no longer your problem.

Option 4. You take over all family finances 100% - all income and outgoings, and manage it all. She gets an allowance but no other access, and an agreement not to take out more credit. Cut up her credit cards. No joint bank accounts. Her salary paid into your account. this is a horrible option for both of you.

Having been married to someone awful with money, although nowhere near this degree, I recommend Option 3 (after being forced into Option 4 to keep a roof over our heads). They never change and just drag you down with them.

[scarletforya]

OP, I think people like your wife are something like gamblers. Squandering money on credit is just as bad. She seems to be in denial.

I dont know what the answer is but you need to protect your own credit rating and your child from her financially toxic behaviour.

Definitely don't enable her any more. Confront her too. What is she spending all this money on? Why didn't she put the PPI refund back into the family. Don't let her go on unchallenged.

I lived with a person like this before and we had to part. It's parasitic behaviour and extremely selfish.