Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
New Relationship advice(67 Posts)
It's been years since I have been active on this site. I found it invaluable when my children were small, and again when I was going through my divorce.
So, forward about 5 years and you guys were the first place I thought of when I needed some new relationship advice.
Ok, some background - I am a divorced single parent of 5 children, aged 19, 16, 13, 12 and 11. I have been happily single, occasionally dating for the past 6 years.
I work as an escort. If this is an issue for people, or if you don't want to talk to me, please just say so kindly as I don't wish to offend or upset. I am a nice person, a good mum and friend
Six months ago a client came to see me, a professional gentleman in his late 40's (a few years older than me) and we hit it off straight away.
A few appointments with me later and I found myself really attracted to this guy both emotionally and physically.
One evening a week later he texted me out of the blue to say he had missed seeing me but didn't want to book me, and would I consider allowing him to take me out instead. The answer to that would be an absolute no on every other occasion, but I really liked him.
3 months later and lots more dates, dog walks and nights in with a takeaway, we tentively discussed a relationship. We have now been together properly (but taking things very slowly) for nearly 3 months.
I told him at the beginning that I enjoy my job and it provides a very good income for my children and I, and that there would be no chance of me retiring at this point in time. We have drawn up some boundaries regarding my clients, and have changed the services I offer to draw a between work and our relationship. I don't discuss my work unless he asks me, and he decides how much he wants to know. He has, so far coped really well.
Here is where I need advice . . .
He has admitted to me that he has used escorts almost all his adult life, even while he was married, then when in a long term relationship since. He says he finds the urge to visit them overwhelming. He has never formed any relationships with any of them, usually seeing each one only once or twice.
I don't actually have a problem with him visiting them as long as he tells me, (I was previously in an open relationship for a while and it suited us both) but Im not sure he would.
In your opinion ladies (and gentlemen if you wish) is this relationship a non starter?
wouldn't you have the same agreement for both parties- ie he asks when he wants about your job and you ask when you want about his er screwing around? perhaps more of an issue is you already suspect he will lie?
But he's essentially admitted that he's been unfaithful throughout his marriage and a subsequent serious relationship? The fact that he visited escorts to be unfaithful, and that you work as an escort, doesn't change the facts - he's unfaithful in relationships!! Do you want someone like that? Does he have kids?
Yes, the issue is that I think he will lie, deceit is a huge issue for me.
And no, Pinkbaloon I don't want someone unfaithful however maybe Im being naive in thinking that maybe because im giving him the freedom to do it, he will be open and honest.
He doesn't have children
i think you need a frank discussion then, where you air your concerns. no other way to do it
Well he's obviously been deceitful in keeping his secret life from his wife and long term partner, so why not you now? Perhaps he gets a kick from doing that? So you giving him the freedom to visit other women (and expecting him to be honest about this) probably won't appeal, as the kick comes from the deceit and not necessarily the company and sex! Sounds like deceit is hardwired in him. Feel very sorry for the ex wife and ex partner not knowing how their husband/ partner was behaving throughout their times with him, and him sitting telling someone else about how he cheated on them. Unfortunately, you could turn into the next one that he tells someone else about. I'd steer clear TBH.
Thank you for your frankness Pinkballoon
It sounds like a slow motion car crash. Sorry.
I fully respect your choice of career and tip my hat at your honesty.
So here's the thing, as soon as I read you saying he's used escorts all his adult life one thought occurred to me. Is his dating you now mean he's essentially getting your services for free? Is he still using escorts? Would he tell you if he was, but I really hope he is now not getting freebies and is quietly congratulating himself for bagging himself his favourite girl so to speak.
You sound a really lovely together lady and I'll emphasise the lady bit, but something's not sitting right about him and this scenario and your posting about this may mean your spidey senses are tingling too.
You've managed to compartmentalise a lot of things in your life to get where you are now, please don't let him loosen the wheels on your wagon.
What a lovely post Guitypleasures thank you
The thought had occured to me that the free sex was a big incentive to him starting a relationship with me. However, if it is, he has hidden it extremely well. We enjoy daily dog walks, lunches together, nights in and out. He buys gifts for me and makes a huge effort with my children, and its as much me as him who intiates sex. He has a very good job so I doubt it would be worth doing all that just for free sex
He won't 'loosen the wheels on my wagon', Im in a really good place, love my life and my job, but thank you x
How are you getting on with resolving this WorkingGirlJem? x
Well, I showed him the thread and he admitted everything that was said was true, except that he liked the deceit.
He said he still feels pain , sadness and deep regret over cheating on his wife even years later.
His excuse for using escorts when he was in his ltr was because she rarely, if ever wanted sex.
I asked him why things would be different with us, and he admitted he didn't know.
He is adament that if he is tempted to use an escort he will tell me. He said this is because he has the option of honesty in this relationship that he has never had before.
So, im no closer to knowing if im doing the right thing, but it has given me food for thought.
Disclaimer: my husband used prostitutes the entire time we were together (I retrospectively discovered) so I am not unbiased!
I have no issue with what you do. In the worst of times for me, I refused to let my supportive friends use bad words for prostitutes.
But your boyfriend...
No fucking way. I don't buy the bullshit that his wife didn't put out enough. Yawn. (at you, not him!) Not least because he went on to cheat in his next LTR too.
This is not a nice man. He is a liar and a cheat. Even if he is honest with you over seeing prostitutes now - he is still a liar and a cheat.
You've changed your services to create a different relationship with him. How would you feel if he did something you now only do with him, with a prostitute? Because I bet he would.
I just think that even if he was faithful only unto you for the rest of his life, he's already proved that he is a lying sack of shit.
My sympathies Cabrinha that must have been a truly horrible discovery to make. [Sad]
2 things though. In fairness, he didn't say his wife didn't give him sex. He admitted he just got bored. It was his ltr that was sexless.
What keeps going through my mind is, if I hadn't met him under the circumstances I did, I might never have known about his past. Would I have felt differently about him then? Would I still get involved?
Incidentally, 9 out of 10 of my clients right through from early 20's to early 70's are married or attached.
Your 9/10 doesn't surprise me.
Tbh, isn't it irrelevant that I misremembered your OP detail as being the wife or LTR that was lacking in sex? If you don't have enough sex, address it and then change it, accept it, or end it. Cheating isn't a decent option.
That's my point - you have t found yourself a decent man. You've found yourself a selfish cheat.
I think he will continue to see other escorts and will justify that to himself and you with the fact that you still work as one.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Preciousbane Oh dear, my bad punctuation there- I meant that he denied liking the deceit as an earlier poster suggested.
Thank you everyone for your input, I didn't expect the kindness and empathy I have received.
I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.
If I were you, it would worry me that being an escort was part of the attraction for him. Perhaps he thinks that if he feels the need to visit an escort you will play the part instead.
Tbh, I have no respect for men who use the services of an escort, but you are not posting here in the capacity of an escort, you are posting in the capacity of a woman who is dating a man who openly uses escorts and you, like all women, deserve better than that.
Hi op, what an interesting life you lead! You sound super on the ball and with a good, strong head on your shoulders- which makes me think that you decided to post because you know something is a bit off here, rather than because you want reassurance that he won't lie to you.
Something about my gut thinks "no". For you, being an escort is a professional choice with clear financial implications for your family. It is your job- and the fact that you have also had open relationships in the past is neither here nor there really, because they were fundamentally open.
His connection to escorting and relationships is different. He used escorts for wholly selfish reasons, not as a single man or as a man in an open relationship, but as a man who felt that he deserved to have wild, varied sex with a number of women despite the commitments he made to other people.
You sound open, honest, and free spirited...these are lovely traits!
He doesn't- he sounds like he will always prioritize his needs over yours, as he has in the past. This smacks of a bad egg; he may be honest for a time but you know that a huge part of him isn't, at heart, and that is an issue.
Find someone who shares your values, not just around sex but around honesty, loyalty, and integrity too!
I really don't know what I think any more. I loved my single life before I met him, but I'm so happy being with him too, and he makes a huge effort to make things good between us.
Half of me wants to end it now to save heartache in the future, but the other half wants to take the chance.
Sometimes guys change, surely?
grumpasaur Good points, well made. Thank you x
I do think people can change, and I am also a firm believer in second chances. I really am.
I think my hesitation here is that he doesn't seem to have changed at all; he has said he is "not sure" how he will be honest with you, and that he can't see himself giving up escorts because he is addicted to them.
If he was saying that he has done some work to figure out why he lied and why he felt the need to use escorts in the first place, and you had seen evidence of the outcomes of that work, I would say yes, do, support him.
I just don't think he has.
I used to work as an escort myself, so I feel I am not without a tiny bit of experience on this subject.
I never dated, nor ever considered dating my clients whilst working. I believe that men who use escorts/pay for sex have something fundamentally flawed in their thinking process; which means that they should be avoided at all costs!
This man has admitted to not being faithful, he has admitted that he cannot be trusted. I have NEVER heard of a relationship between a client and an escort that ended well (and I know of a few) I honestly don't believe that in these cases the men are capable of respecting the woman, because deep down they just believe she is a whore who is not worthy of real consideration.
Even if you put the unusual dynamic of this relationship aside, this man is still not a good bet. He fully owns up to being a liar, and a cheat. I am sorry OP, but I fear for your future happiness and well being if you keep seeing this man.
I can only speak for myself OP, but working as an escort skewed my view of men and relationships far more than I ever realised. It is only now that I am retired that I am able to gain more clarity on who and what I want. It is a difficult career choice at the best of times, and the last thing you need is some punter messing things up for you. You really do deserve better than him!
Precisely Grump. This man hasn't changed; nor does it sound like he is offering to do so. In fact he almost seems to be giving himself a get out of jail free card for when he inevitably fucks up.
I don't mean to sound so harsh OP. It's just I have seen some lovely friends left heartbroken by punters who wanted more. There is no Pretty Woman style ending in these scenarios; just heartbreak.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.