Family nightmares

[freebird30]

Help me please, I am in such a pickle I don't even know where to begin.

Me and my Nan have fallen out big time. My Nan is like my mum we have always been close but over the last few weeks tensions have been running high. My partner and I are engaged and planning our wedding for next August. Originally we had thought to get married in a pretty little church which is a C of E however upon some discussion my partner who is Roman Catholic (although not practicing) said that actually he wouldn't feel comfortable marrying in a C of E Church (he has this whole thing in his head about C of E only being created so that Henry 8th could get divorced). I'm not Christened and am new to religion as I grew up with atheist parents, it was only after having my daughter last year and getting an urge that I had to get her christened (which was done in the RC Church) that I started to have a different outlook on religion. Anyway as I am new I don't feel I really belong to any particular religion therefore I'm not precious about which Church I marry in, as long as it is in a Church, under the eyes of God, in front of my family and friends where my partner and I declare our love and future together.

So after making the decision to marry in the RC Church I told my Nan (who feels quite strongly about her religion C of E although she doesn't go to Church) and she made it very clear how displeased she was about the decision, she became very abrupt and said "well its not what I would have chosen for you but its your wedding your life you have to live with it...." and every time I spoke to her since things have got worse and worse. Now considering she is like my mum I wanted to go dress shopping and do all the fun planning stuff, on the day have her close by to keep me calm and get ready, she turned to me and said "well I'll just rock up on the day, with the rest of them, it sounds like its all sorted now anyway" - I am quite a sensitive soul but this really hurt as I feel like she has completely pushed me away because of the Religious aspect. But then I hear from a source that she feels totally eliminated from the wedding plans?? she seems to think that I have planned the whole day already (bearing in mind it is still a year away!) and that I've booked everything behind her back with get this....my mother in law!!! Don't get me wrong I am very lucky in that I do have a lovely mother in law and we get on well but I never ever highlight that fact to my Nan as I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings or give her the chance to say "oh you are all his family" (my family are a bit like that - it's such hard work trying to keep people happy) but also I just can't understand how my Nan thinks I would leave her out of something this huge, I even sat down with her and went through my basic ideas and talked about what WE would need to do soon, but regardless of what I have said she doesn't believe me, she accused me of ignoring her at my partners bday meal, which I didn't as I sat and spoke to her a number of times whilst mingling. We have ended up having a huge argument as I got so frustrated at being accused of things I haven't done, it's just all in her head. I feel totally bewildered and confused at a time where I should be excited!!!! I went dress shopping for the first time the other day but it didn't feel the same with her not with me!! Other things have built on top of this too but I know this was the starting point. My partners mum offered to pay some money towards my dress when I buy it (as she knows my mum probably wouldn't be able to do it) but my Nan didn't like that either not that she had said it was something she wanted to do for me. She had said "you know I can't put money towards the wedding I would rather help you in other ways" and that's fine I would never expect money from anyone but surely I should be over the moon to anyone who wants to be so kind and help in any way??

I'm really sorry for blabbing on but I have so much whizzing around in my head and I feel so stressed out now as I hate fallouts, its really taking the shine of what is meant to be our special day.

Is anyone else experiencing any family issues or can you offer any advice so I don't feel so alone

My partner is so cross and says I should wash my hands with the lot of my family as they always seem to want to ruin any happy occasion I have....its not that easy though is it

My nan also seems to run everyone fins like my friends, or 'country people' as I live in the countryside and she in a city.i just feel it's hurtful and rude but I never say anything because I never wanted the hassle that comes with falling out with her.

Really sorry for the long post!!

[Imbroglio]

She doesn't sound very supportive of you.

Is there any way you could get her alone at some time and tell her you are sorry she's unhappy,that its not what you want, and that you do want her involved. Then if she continues to sulk you have to say you are sad about her decision. Make sure she knows that you consider it as HER decision.

Would your mum be able to help mediate?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I tend to think that Nans who have been 'like mums' are quite likely to have your best interests at heart and shouldn't be dismissed as trouble-makers. If she feels excluded because of her objection to this RC ceremony then please talk to her about why that is. Maybe she thinks you're having your arm twisted by DP and his family? (That sudden 'urge' to get a baby christened when you've been raised atheist for example - where did that come from?) Personally speaking, after various extremely damaging events in my family's history, I have a very dim view of the whole RC set-up. Maybe your Nan is of a similar mind?

I'd also be very, very cautious of a non-religious partner that makes such a big deal out of the type of church you use, causes a rift and then suggests you 'wash your hands' of your family just because they object. Sounds wrong to me.

[MaryWestmacott]

How old is your Nan? It's easy for us to forget the big deal being Protestant or catholic was really still in the early 80s, I remember my granny commenting that Manchester United was a catholic club while Manchester City was a Protestant one. To a more modern mindset, this is bizarre, but Protestant or catholic wasn't just about faith, but about ethnicity. It's who you are, in a society where large percentages are happy to declare themselves atheist and faith is a choice for white British, it might be hard to understand.

I'd tell her the wedding isn't planned yet so if she'd like to be involved, she's welcome to be, but it does sound to me like she's sulking and hopes you'll beg her to get involved, particularly going round telling others she's not involved.

[winkywinkola]

Why not go for a civil ceremony?

You're not Catholic so why get married in a Catholic church? Your partner isn't C of E so I can see why he doesn't want to get married there.

But I would keep everything as neutral and as an equal compromise as possible.

And I certainly wouldn't be shedding my family over it. That is a weird and worrying thing for your future dh to say.

[freebird30]

Thanks for your responses so far.

I do always try and be fair with both sides of family in whatever I do so that no one feels left out or that I'm one side more than another, it is quite tiring tho as I always feel on guard or on egg shells.

My nan amazing as she is, is a very stubborn lady, I'm sure in her mind she only wants what's best for me but I feel that her opinions are so strong and I've always listened to her, that it's actually affecting my own judgement to decide what's best for me.

I don't know where the sudden urge really came from, I have been looking for god, but like I said because I'm new to religion I don't really know which religion I to, I just try to live honestly, each day with heart, treat others how I want to be treated, try and help others when and how I can and love and be happy with everyone.

I know it sounds like my dh is being very dismissive but he just trying to protect me as he's seen me upset so many times, we have been together 11 years and witnessed the chaos in my family, there is always something nasty going on, no one can just get on and be happy.

My mum wouldn't mediate because she is the biggest trouble maker, she stirs a lot of things and has caused so much hurt in the past with all kinds of things.

Me and dh went to a civil ceremony place and spoke to the lady, and it just didn't feel right ...I don't know just not spiritual enough I guess ?? We also went to the c of e and RC church so we could see and get a feel, they were both beautiful churches and i would be happy to get married in either, my partner liked both but said he'd still prefer RC church just because he's baptised as that.

I think you are right cogito nan thinks I'm having my arm twisted and dh I'd just getting his own way, but I've told her it's not really like that so I wish she'd just trust me.

My plan is to let the dust settle and write to my nan as that is the best way I communicate, I will apologise that she feels left out but explain there really is no reason for her to be as I'm just getting started on the wedding plans, I really want her and my family to be involved but I just worry that this will all be sorted then something else will blow up in a few months......I just want one day :( x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I think you are right cogito nan thinks I'm having my arm twisted and dh I'd just getting his own way, but I've told her it's not really like that so I wish she'd just trust me."

I think you need to work a little harder to convince her that you're acting of your own free will. You sound like a nice person but your philosophy of helping love, happiness and helping others is - to be blunt - rather vague and woolly. If you're going the RC route and plan to adopt it as your religion, do a bit of background, take a few classes perhaps and see what it's really all about. A lot of churches are pretty but what they stand for can be bloody ugly.

If nan is 'stubborn' with very strong opinions you're going to have to show her that yours are equally strong if you are to be trusted and respected

[MaryWestmacott]

I do agree with congito - picking a church because it feels spiritual or pretty is not the right reasons, have you been going to the sunday services at that church? Got a feel for how that priest stands on various contentious issues? Have you got involved in the church at all or will it just be a beautiful venue?

If you are broadly Christian but don't go to any church but your DP was very strongly involved in the church, then I'd support going with his choice of venue, but it doesn't sound like he's a regular attender either.

For the older generation, a 'pick and chose' approach to faith won't sit right, show a commitment if you want to be taken seriously.

[MummyBeerest]

Your Nan sounds a lot like my grandmother. Our wedding had our share of trouble too.

It sounds you really are hoping to create a happy, peaceful family life. IME, that can be difficult to accomplish that when you deal with a family who is set in their ways.

The wedding is a year away-might be worth it to spend some time with the family, talking about other things, and then just reworking your relationship before you let them have
"say" in the wedding.

[FrootLoopy]

I feel that her opinions are so strong and I've always listened to her, that it's actually affecting my own judgement to decide what's best for me.

And there you have it. You have been so very close to your nan, because you've always done what she thought was best.

All of a sudden you're not, and now all hell has broken loose.

She's trying to emotionally blackmail you.

Will she get over it before the wedding? Who knows.

Is peace and harmony at your wedding important enough for you that you could alter your plans? Only you know.

For what it's worth, I would ask what sort of commitments you would be expected to make in either church that you looked at - some RC priests will insist that you commit to raising your children in the RC faith no matter what. If you're ambivalent about which church you are part of, and your DH doesn't attend, then that is rather a steep commitment to make.

You could also, if the priests were willing, do a joint ceremony.

[RegTheMonkey1]

Also I think that in order to get married in the Catholic Church, you must have been baptised. Is that something you would be prepared to do?

A Catholic can marry an unbaptised person, but such marriages are natural marriages only; they are not sacramental marriages. The Church, therefore, discourages them and requires a Catholic who wishes to marry an unbaptised person to receive a special dispensation from his or her bishop. Still, if the dispensation is granted, a non-sacramental marriage is valid and can take place inside of a Catholic church.

Information taken from this website: catholicism.about.com/od/catholicliving/f/FAQ_Marriage.htm

[zippey]

I just try to live honestly, each day with heart, treat others how I want to be treated, try and help others when and how I can and love and be happy with everyone

You know you can do this without a believing in a fictitous person who practices ethnic cleansing killing innocent adults and children when annoyed? eg Noahs Ark

As for your gran, a letter may be a good way to go. I would try to keep her involved at all stages and let her decide what she wants to do and what she doesnt. Ultimately she sees things differently and if she is stubborn and unforgiving then you might have acknowledge that at times you will have to agree to disagree and that you might be hurt by her reactions when this happens.

[sewingandcakes]

Why not have a humanist ceremony in a beautiful building of your choice?

[MummyBeerest]

^agree with sewingandcakes.

But we did that, so I'm biased.

[Cabrinha]

Sounds like some over sharing going on here too. Why does your Nan know your MIL is paying towards your dress? Given you already know there's tension, and your Nan won't be contributing financially, that wasn't the wisest thing to share.