I think my sister may be being abused by her DH. What can I do?

[Worriedwitless2]

Have namechanged for for this. Apologies, but it's possibly identifiable.

I am fairly close to my older sister, but we live a couple of hours apart. We both work in a major city so tend to meet up for lunch or I might drive to see her for the afternoon with the DC. She is always amazingly there for me and the kids. She is married t(three years) to someone she has been with for about 13 years. He is a SAHH (no DC) and has a disability.

I had an email conversation with her on Monday (we were both at work) which has worried me witless. She asked me something about our DFather who has always been a selfish man, but has become very very difficult since an illness and it led to her telling me a whole load of things that are just coming out for her after his abandonment of her nearly 40 years ago. She seems to be just facing some of the things he did that I have always known were appalling (not sexual), but she has always defended him. Horrid for her and she is feeling he ruined her life (which may be true).

That of course is a huge thing in itself, but what has me worried is that she told me that because of her low self esteem she has been bullied horribly and abused in every relationship she has had. I tried to ask gently "in your marriage", and she said yes, she feels that she can never say anything she wants to do or do anything without him as it starts a fight and she can't face it so she just does what he wants, which is mostly nothing. I knew he wouldn't go on an aeroplane,or travel in the car (eg to our house), but I didn't realise he wouldn't even go out to the pub or for a meal. She said she feels so ground down and overwhelmed by it all but is so unhappy. She is so isolated and I think there may be, at least threat of, physical abuse.

Of course, she immediately backtracked and said they had talked and he has told her it is just her perception and interpretation. She also talked many schemes about getting him to lose weight, get more confident, doing lots of nice things for him as then he would be nicer to her. There is also some spurious excuse about why I can't visit with the kids at the moment and she has asked not to phone her at home.

I am hoping to god she is not on mumsnet as if she is, I am sure she won't speak to me again, but had to post as I am so worried about this and don't know what to do I tried to gently push her towards counselling, particularly for the DF stuff, but she was resistant. It all seems so frighteningly textbook. What can I do?

[4boysxhappy]

All you can do is be there for her until she wants to talk.

Let her know you are there for her but try not to push the subject. Let her talk and don't ask to many questions. You don't want her stop communicating anything to you.

The truth will come out when she is ready. What ever that truth may be.

[Tiptops]

Make sure she knows you are there for her. Tell her you are there for her any time, day or night.

Horrible situation and worry for you, but I think if you jump in at the deep end she will withdraw totally. At least at the moment you have some inkling about what is going on. From an outsiders point of view it's easy to see some of her husband's behaviour is wrong, but she may take time to come to terms with that. Sounds like she is slowly beginning that journey now.

[Worriedwitless2]

Thank you. I know you are right, but it's so frustrating.She does tend to back off if you get too close to something that she wants to avoid, but I can't bear that she feels so powerless and clearly frightened in her own home.

When she came up with the list of nice things she will do for him to make him be nice to her I could have screamed, but I limited myself to "but what are you going to do for you?" Which she ignored.

[trackrBird]

I think saying 'what are you going to do for you?' is actually a very good place to start.

You may be in for a long job, Worried, and it will be frustrating and draining at times. But you've opened a little crack in the situation which will start to let some light in for her.

She may open up more as time goes on. If you want to help, be there for her, and gently steer her towards looking at what's going on with a more objective eye.....but without criticising her H, or venting your feelings about him, at any point. That is very hard. But as soon as you give in to that frustration she may rush to defend him and shut you out.

You might have to vent your own feelings elsewhere while you do this.

Here's WA's advice for helpers:

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?itemid=1296&itemTitle=Support+for+family+and+friends+of+women+experiencing+abuse&section=00010001002200410001&sectionTitle=Articles%3A+domestic+violence

If you think she's at immediate risk, at any time, talk to police of course.

You sound like a wonderful sister.

[Mabelface]

Tell her that you love her and if she needs you, you're there for her, physically and emotionally x

[Worriedwitless2]

Thank you for the link, very helpful. I definitely won't criticise her DH to her, I never do that. She has gone radio silence now, so I will just try her in a couple of days.