Advice please on how to deal with XP's difficult behaviour?

[flippinada]

Aargh. I had a great long post typed out and it's just disappeared.

Anyway, some brief background to set the scene - we've been split for 9 years, when DS was a baby. He was an emotionally abusive, controlling bully who nearly destroyed my life, although despite best efforts he didn't succeed. He has since remarried and had two more children with DS stepmum. I have no issue with her, she is very kind to DS and polite and pleasant to me.

When DS was 4 I took him to court for residence (don't want to give detail as it could be identifying) and DS now stays with me full time but still sees his Dad regularly.

I have worked very hard over the years to keep things civil and reasonable which has been very tough but given time and distance things seemed to be ok.

However, since his youngest was born his behaviour has reverted and he is being very difficult. Changing long standing arrangements at the last minute, ignoring messages, just generally behaving with contempt. To give an example, repeated requests to discuss contact dates during the summer holidays were ignored until the absolute last minute causing issues for me at work and with childcare. If he doesn't want to deal with anything he just ignores it. And just this week, after summer holiday contact, he deliberately dropped off DS much later than arranged which again caused me problems.

If you're wondering what his work make of it all, he's self employed (he did this to avoid paying maintenance) and can please himself. I'm very lucky to have an understanding boss but I don't want to abuse my colleagues goodwill.

I'm finding it all very difficult to deal with. The issue is he isn't outwardly unpleasant (he will 'agree' to something but then just ignore it and do what he wants anyway) but very underhanded and passive aggressive - I'm just not and can't play him at his own game.

I'm just at a loss as for what to do. It's so very draining. Any advice gratefully received - and thanks!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's obviously got some real psychological problems to hold a grudge for this long. I think all you can reasonably do is assume he's going to let your DS down by being difficult etc and plan your schedule accordingly. ie as if he doesn't exist

I suspect your Achilles Heel is that you believe your DS deserves to spend time with his Dad. You'd never go to the wire

[hamptoncourt]

Can you make arrangements where you are less reliant on ex, so for example, if you make plans to go somewhere for the weekend, arrange other care rather than ex? Get back up just in case?

I agree with Cog you need to emotionally detach and if he sees less of DS then that is his loss. It doesn't sound like he is much of a role model.

Try not to let him know it bothers you and he may do it less. Don't chase around after him. If he won't commit, say sorry, I have made other arrangements for DS now, and stick to your plans.

[flippinada]

Thank you both.

You are spot on Cogito when you say DS is my Achilles Heel. At the moment he wants to see his Dad and enjoys spending time with him. I don't want to stand in the way of that.

Hampton I agree about detaching and not relying on him. I did end up saying "If you don't let me know about summer hols by x date I will make alternative arrangements for DS". It annoys me that I have to do that - why can't he just be reasonable? But I guess I just have to start from the point that he won't be reasonable and act accordingly. It's very frustrating though.

I've got no doubt whatsoever that he enjoys making things difficult for me and creating drama, although hed deny it of course. I used to be terrified of him, now he just annoys me.

[Castlemilk]

Stuff like this is really, really bad for kids.

Remember that, and don't be held over a barrel because you think it's more important for your DS to see his dad.

It ISN'T more important than seeing a respectful relationship between both parents, and it certainly isn't more important than seeing the main parent he lives with not treated badly.

So - from now on, you send dates which are convenient for you. You give him alternatives and state CLEARLY that beyond X date, you will decide which of the dates will become a contact date, and if he can't do that, he misses out - as you have to arrange childcare and your committments too.

'I'm very sorry, I gave you plenty of notice and plenty of opportunity to co-parent with me to arrange a mutually convenient schedule. I'm afraid that I don't have the option to leave work and childcare arrangements until the last minute simply to satisfy your rather insecure need to feel as if you can control things. Maybe get a pet? That might help.'

[AthenaVHowerton]

I have to agree with most people here – keeping a grudge for that long really does sound incredibly unhealthy. Is this the type of person that you would want around your child? I do not think that anyone who can hold a grudge that long is necessarily dangerous, but it does not sound like a particularly good influence either.

[flippinada]

No, I don't think he's a great influence Athena- in fact I'd be delighted (for my sake, but not DS's) if he buggered off. But contact is court ordered. I don't have any worries about DS being in any danger with him.

Castlemilk am laughing at your post. That's exactly the sort of thing I think but don't say. There's no point me saying "don't do 'x' as it causes me inconvenience" because he'd just do it even more.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I don't want to stand in the way of that."

You have to flip this around. You are (reasonably) offering contact dates and he is (unreasonably) changing things last minute - we have to assume - simply as a way of exerting a mealy-mouthed kind of 'fuck you if you think I'm making your life any easier' manner. So he is the one standing in the way of the access.

Your DS is only 9yo but I would be astonished if he doesn't pick up on your exasperation at these antics. That your ex ducks paying his fair share of maintenance is another little nasty that, one day, your DS will realise marks the man out as a shit.

[Castlemilk]

No, I agree with Cogito. You AREN'T standing in the way of that. You ARE standing in the way of letting your DS grow up learning that bullies get their way, that Dads sneer at Mums, and that women are the caretakers, the put upon and the cowed.

Also, remember one very important thing. Again, as Cogito says, a father who avoids maintenance can never, never be called a truly good father. Never forget that. No matter what love your Ex professes for his DS, the truth is that he either likes hurting and inconveniencing you OR he likes the thought of having more money for himself more than he wants to make sure his son is provided for. That is inexcusable, and it should be the red flag that you should never forget. Be wary of this man: he hates more than he loves, and one day he is likely to hurt your son - because he does not put him first. He does not feel that unconditional love that you do, the love that would make you shift heaven and earth to make sure you provided for him. Never, never put this man's relationship with your son above your own ability to care for him well and have your own life organised so that you can be the best parent you can be.

[flippinada]

Castlemilk - you are absolutely right about him, scarily so in fact. I'm very much aware of what he's like. It makes me very sad for DS. I know DS will be ok though no matter what crap XP throws at him because he has me in his corner.

Cogito - I think you are right about DS picking up on things. He's at the stage now where he's starting to question things, to answer back and is very strong willed.

I think XP looks on DS as an extension of himself, not as a person in his own right.

[flippinada]

And you are both right about the access thing. Such a an obvious thing but it hadn't occurred to me to look at it that way.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You described the man originally as an abusive and controlling bully. That he isn't outwardly unpleasant just screams 'manipulative'. The only contact points he has with you today, nine years on, are the maintenance payments and DS. So he uses both of those to get back at you because it's all he's got.

One day, sorry to say, DS will answer Dad back and will see the abusive, controlling bully in all his glory. Not aggression but I can see the man doing something like withdrawing contact... just because he knows it will screw a little boy up and, in turn, screw you up.

So set those boundaries and, if as I get the impression you haven't done already, start letting DS know a little of the truth about Dear Old Dad. It's going to come as a nasty shock otherwise.

[flippinada]

Yes he's extremey manipulative and is entirely capable of doing that Cogito. It's something I have thought about a lot and have put strategies in place to deal with because I think it's more likely to happen than not.

I've been careful never to say anything negative about his Dad, except that he did not treat me very nicely and that's why we split up.

DS is very observant. He commented once out of the blue "you and Dad are very different people, aren't you".

[flippinada]

Bumping as behaviour has not changed (in fact has got worse) over the summer holidays. Now not answering questions about weekend arrangements (despite talking to DS at weekend and saying how much he was looking forward to seeing him).

Would it be reasonable to send an email saying something like "If I do not hear from you by 'x' date I will make other arrangements for DS's care" - would keep it business like, to the point and unemotional.

I have the awful feeling this is the beginning of DS being 'dropped' by his Dad as he becomes older and less biddable :(.

[magoria]

I wouldn't text him to be honest. You have already asked him and he hasn't responded. he has you running around like an idiot while he sits back and laughs at you.

Don't contact him at all just make your alternative arrangements.

If he responds later say 'sorry you didn't get back to me I have made other arrangements you need to let me know when I ask next time'.

I know it hurts like hell for DS though.

[flippinada]

Yes, he probably is.

Pretty sure he's twigged that I want to have written evidence of arrangements (texts, emails etc) and therefore is not responding so I can't say 'well you agreed to the following dates and here's the proof'. Plus, bonus, it inconveniences me (or at least he thinks it does).

The issue is that contact is court ordered so if I'm seen to be 'blocking' it that could potentially cause problems and also DS will be upset if he can't see his Dad.

[magoria]

You aren't blocking it. Do you text/email when you ask? Always do it this way from now on. Keep them. Make a diary of when you ask, when you book an alternative and when/if he bothers to reply.

If he doesn't answer you are not blocking and can show that you have attempted to arrange things.

[flippinada]

Experience has taught me to keep a record of things so I'm already doing that - and I won't make verbal agreements without written back up (as I say he has worked out I do this so is using it as a method of control).

And thank you - of course you're right. Awful for DS though.